In Merrier Mood

Auckland Star, Volume LXV, Issue 11, 13 January 1934, Page 2 (Supplement)

In Merrier Mood

cAnecdotes and Stories

1... PRIZE FOR BEST STORY.

Ifop the best anecdote sent in each week ; la prize of Five Shillings is awarded. ; ■'The prize this week goes to Wire. D. ) ;G. Hutchison, View Road, Hikurangi, ] jfor« "New Sort of Jam." j NEW SORT OF JAM. Most farmers hate plum jam, but the country storekeepers seem to have nothing else. One farmer, sending an order to the nearest store, included in the order, "Three cases of jam (bar plum)." Stores duly arrived with an apologetic note: "Regret no bar plum in stock, but have made up your order with all other varieties of plum available." ,* - "* Wife: Talk is cheap. Husband: Yours isn't. You are always asking me for money. Jinks: Hullo! Been fishing, old man? What did you catch? Binks: The first train home. Gebrgina: George, you looked awfully foolish when you , proposed, to me. George: Very likely I was. She (meaningly): Do you consider kissing really dangerous? Hβ (meaningly): Yes; it often bringe on marriage. "You say your wife is a great linguist?" "She is." "How many languages does she speak?" "Oh, it's all one language." Small sister: Let's play that we're married. Small brother: No—let's play football, and then we won't get bunged up so much. "Talking about inventions," said the business man, "I have in my place a little machine that would make me a millionaire if I rould only keep it going all the time." "You don't say eo! What is it ?" "A -cash register." "My daughter," remarked the proud mother, "has develoned a perfect pas-, sion for music." "Well." returned her neighbour, "I'll warrant it isn't as strong ae the passion your daughter's music develops in my husband."'

Beggs: My wife says that if I were to die sho would remain a widow. Meggs: Evidently she thinks there is not another man in the world like you. "On the contrary, she's afraid there may be, and that ehe"d get him."

"Remember, my boy," said the practical man, "that in order to succeed you must teach people to trust you." "I have done that," answered the gloomy youngster, "and I have succeeded in getting into debt beyond my wildest expectations." )

A towny fellow, thinking to be a bit cheery with a much disgruntled farmer who had left a pretty milkmaid to her work, hailed the old man with, "Hello, Jarge! And how's the milkmaid?" The farmer replied: "It ain't made, you idiot! It comes straight out o' th' c 00 . ,'

A little boy, the youngest member of a largo family, was taken to see his married sister's new baby. He seemed more interested in the contents of tlis baby's basket than in the baby, and, after examining the trifles, picked up a powder puff. Looking rather shocked, he said: "Ten't she rather young for this sort of thing?"

"My son," said the father, "take that jug and fetch me eome beer." "Give me the money, then, father." "My son, to get beer with money, anybody can do that, but to pet lieer without money, that's clever." So the boy takes the jug, and out he goes. Shortly he returns, and places the jug before his father. "Drink," said the son.."How can T drink." eays the father, "wtfhen there is no beer in the jus?" "To drink beer out of a jug.' , says the hoy, "where there is beer anybody can do that; but to drink beer out of a ju" where there, is no beer, that's clever."

MAKE A BID. "I came in here to get something for xny wife." "What are you asking for her!" BEATS RHEUMATISM. "My wooden leg pained me terribly last night." "How's that?" "My wife hit me over the head with it." NEW AGRICULTURAL PROBLEM. The farmer's life is full of grief And viewed with grave alarm— He is so keen to get relief, He has no time to farm. GETTING TO THE BOTTOM OF IT. Little Betty, watching the farm hands spreading out a stack of hay to dry, could contain her curiosity no longer, so she politely asked: "la it a needle you're looking for?" TIME TO DUCK. "I see you advertised your saxophone for sale," said the friend. "Yes," he sighed. "I saw my neighbour in the hardware store yesterday buying a gun." SILVER LINING. "My daughter's music leeeons are a fortune to me." "How is that?" "They enable me to buy the neighbours' houses at half price." SHARP PRACTICE. Mary Roberte Rinehart, writing in "My Story" about her resourceful', grandmother, says: "Completely untrained and with no openings outeide of school teaching for women in those days, she fell back on her needle." "Reminding one," comments A.W., "of the man who sat down on the epur of the moment." WELL HELD. The lights of the underground train had failed, and the passengers were thrown into confusion. "Can I find you a strap?" the tall young man asked the young lady at his side. She smiled sweetly. "Thank you," she replied, "but I have just found one." "Then perhaps you wouldn't mind letting go of my tie," he rejoined.

PROFESSIONAL SERVICES GIVEN. v A well-known attorney was always lecturing his office boy, whether he needed it or not. One day he chanced to hear the following convereatii*e between the boy and the one employed next door: "How much doee your chief pay you?" asked the latter. "I get 1500 dollars a year. Fit* dollars a w.eek in. cash and the vf*t in legal advice." DIDN'T COUNT. Pat saw Mike coming along the pier. "Hallo, son of Old Ireland," he said. "What ye been doing?" "Testing my weight," eaid Mike. "How much do ye weigh?" asked Pat. "One 'hundred and seventy-five pounds," said the other. "What! exclaimed Pat.- "But yo must 'a weighed' yerself with yer coat on." ■ . "That I did not," replied Mike, "I 1 held it over my arm." GETTING HIS OWN BACK. The injured footballer had been carried into a nearby doctor's surgery. "You're not putting that bandage on properly," said the man with the broken leg to the doctor. "Whatever do you mean?" said the astonished medical man. "Put it round a little more, and lift that splint up a bit higher," said the injured one. ''What do you mean by telling mo how to run my business?" snapped the doctor. "Are you a doctor yourself?" "No; but I'm the captain of the local football team, and I often hear you in the crowd giving unsolicited advice," the footballer retorted. THREAD OF THOUGHT. During a history lesson the teacher pointed out to her young ptipils that a surname often indicated the trade or profession of the ancestors of those who bore the name. "For instance," she eaid, by way of illustration, "supposing your name was Baker, that meant your ancestors were makers of bread. Or, as another example, supposing . your name Was Smith, that meant that your ancestors were workers in iron—blacksmiths, and eo on." She pointed to one of the Boys. "What were your ancestors, Webb?" she ' asked him. The boy looked thoughtful. "Spiders, t teacher," he said, after a while.