MERRIER MOEMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume LIV, Issue 185, 4 August 1923, Page 18

MERRIER MOEMENTS.

Said the bankrupt on being introduced to the company promoter: "I'm fleeced to meet you, sir." "X think you must be a little deal waiter?" "No, sir; why? "Well 1 asked you for liver, and you've~lrougiit mc leather!" During a mirage which was ccci on the Firth of Forth recently, tha Bass Rock was thought to ha.ye the shape of a brewery. "I am deaf and dumb," eaid * charged at Ramsgate with house-break-ing, but the magistrate, although not blind, failed to see how this could b». t A little b eat on a tree ; and then he sat on mc og-Czecho-Slovakia's exports duringAf*Q were reported to be much higher tkaa in March, so that if your egg v nifty it is probably a native of the new Vf 1 public. A farmer, arrested on a charge of being drunk, read to the police staff » i newspaper article and explained H v jhe went along. He was acquitted, thia providing another striking instance of the power of the Press. "Your trouble is," said the doctor, "that you take too much whisky, aal you'll have to stop it. Not, perhipj, all at once, for that would kill you }oo." The Scotsman asked how much hi might take, and was told, "Not mort than two ounces of alcohol a day." Net j being used to measure his whisky by ' the ounce he looked up a table-book, and said to himself, "Sixteen drams oaii ounce, two ounces —no' go bad, after all." She was a professor's wife* and wai proud of her husband. One day, whet the Brown-Joneses came to tea, she told them all about him. "He's a wonder," she eaid. "Jurt it this minute he is in the laboratory petducting some experiments. The profaieor expects to go down to poeterity^-^S B-r-r-r! Crash! Rattle! Bang! fro* the direction of the laboratory. "I hope he hasn't gone," said one of Ihe visitors, anxiously. One of the congregation of a faehtotable church approached the vicar witli ' ( the complaint that she was greatly d> ' turbed by the unmelodious singing of one of her neighbours. 'It's positively unbearable!" she Mil "That man in the pew in front spoils tip service for mc. His voice is harsh, aa| he has no idea of tune. Can't you uk him to change his pew 7" The vicar was perplexed. After a f«r . moments , reflection, he said: "Well, I naturally would feel a little delieaey o> that 6core, especially as I EhouU btvt to tell him why I asked it. But V# Ui I you what J might do." Here his f«# became illuminated by a happy "I might ask him to join the choir."

Woop Woop (staying in city hotel Iβ* |j the first time): "Say, young fe3», [ where's the kitchen!" Astonished Waiter: "What do you Wβ* the kitchen for?" Woop Woop: "Want ter wash meeelf, •" course." HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL, i Advt.—Wanted, a companion; » Christian, but cheerful. News item.—Miss Brown is under fl» doctor's care, but she ia expected to recover. BREAKIXG THE NINTH COMMANDMENT. "I'm surprised at the waj yon M* laughing at this film comedy.' 1 "I rejoice to pee U>e get' kicked in the scat of his trousers," uli Mr. Grumpson. "Eh * : ' "It keeps mc from being irritated hj the announcement that his salary i| £2000 a week." OX- BUSINESS. Policeman (who has iust caught ■ burglar breaking into "a bank)—A*, all! what are you dohiv' here? Burgrlar—l am a financial report*. Policeman—What were you going to do in there? Burglar—Oh. I was only going to lake a few notes. A VERY OLD RUG. Mrs. Blake was exceedingly fond «ed proud of the valuable Persian rug tfc»t lay upon her parlour floor. When *• engaged a new maid she brought ti» girl into the room and, pointing to tfc« rug. said:— "When you dean the parlour, M»i7f be very careful of this beautiful n*. It is very old." "I can see it is, ma'am," replied tfc( maid sympathetically; "but I dare »? we can make it last you the winter if we're careful." A YOUTHFUL DIPLOMAT. "I say, dad." piped the small hoy, "can I ask you a question?" "Yes; go ahead;" replied the indulgent dad. "What's diplomacy, dadt I »w * in a book the other day." "Diplomacy, my boy," said dad, iritt a patronising smile, "means doing •* saying precisely the right thing at tik right moment." "Ah! Then I was a diplomatist 1»«* j night, dad." ; ""Really, m y boy? How d'vou rod* m that out?" • • "Why, when mum catne in with tie j castor oil I rolled Bobbie into my pl*« in l>ed, and then rolled him back fcefort i the came round to the other sidii' p