MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume LI, Issue 248, 16 October 1920, Page 18

MERRIER MOMENTS.

I First Diner: What do you usually eat ■ jin this restauranr? Second Diner: Don't ask mc: ask the ' j cool: I simph - order from the menu. J Kirst Professor (in his high-powered motor oar): We've got it at last. Second Professor: G-got w-what? First Professor: Perpetual motion —1 cau't stop. "'Some contend that poetry is a Rift/ , !t>nifl a young lady to tier sweetheart. '. "IVrhaps that is why editors are so reluctant to pay for it." said the young I ' man. ! ' I ! Tlio Kliler Matron: You shouldn't | I mind the baby trying a little. It j 1 .-trenjrthpiis its lungs. I The Young Matron: Oh, no doubt; but i :it weakens his father's religion en. ••There's talk of abolishing the threc- | penny-bit," "That showe that as a I poo pip we have no sentiment." "How so?" "Why, if we had. we should want to keep it if only as a reminder of the good old days when we could buy some- • thinj; with it." I I "The wonderful sixth sense supposed Ito he poa.scsMed by the blind is not a liable.' , said Jones. "I know a blind not so remarkable,' said Healev. "I know a blind painter. His work is I perfect." "A blind painter? Why, uh.it. does ho ;, a : :. v" -II? paints blinds'. , ' XOT MODERN". I First Modern Girl: I can't quite make up my mind about Dollie. There's somei tiring queer about her. : Second Ditto: I'll tell you what it-is. ; She has an effeminate streak. THK VERY MAN. Want a job us night watchman, r>l) ? Haw you any references? i No. but, I've a doc-tor's leortifroate allowing that I've suffered from insom!ni:i for the last five years. j ORNAMENTAL. i Mule -loim: 1 say, umle. is it true jt.hat nature never wastes anything? I I'ni'le: Yefi. John, quite true. I Little .John: Then what is the use of ja cow having two horns when she oan't • even blow one! I SIG.YR AND SAWDKU. I Ijidv : I've iust met your little boy I and girl. Mr. Brown. What charming, j intelligent little dears they are. Mr. llrnn-n (the grocer): Thank you. , ma'am — pause —but I can't let you have J more than your ration of sugar. ; NO CHANCE .FOR HTM. In spite of the advanced prices the '•barber was dull, and the razor he was wielding seemed to share his discourage- : ment. I "I've just about decided to open a butcher shop,'' he said, reaching for the powdered astringent. "And will you close this one?" hievictim gasped feebly. J HEATHEX USED TO HEAT. * I 'What reason did Blank give for re- ; fusing *to contribute to foreign missions?" I "Said we ovight to concentrate our efforts on saving einners here at home, because if the people of this country aren't saved it's going to be a much greater change of climate for them than for tlie heathen." A REAIL, (BEREAVEMENT. Frederick was sitting on the curb, crying, when Billy came along and asked him what was the matter. "Oh, I feel so bad "cause Major's dead—my nice old collie!" sbbbed .Frederick. "iShueks!" said Billy. "My grandmother's been dead a week, and you don't catch mc crying." Frederick gave his eyes and nose a siVipe with h»-hand, and, looking up at Billy, sobbed, despairingly: "Yes, but you didn't raise your grandmother from a pup." SHE KNEW! Teacher (to new girl)—" Now, Doll}', I'll give you a sum. Supposing your father owed the butcher fifteen pounds eleven i-hillinge and twopence half-penny, seven pounds three shillings to the bootmaker, fourteen pounds and ninepence to the milkman, and thirty-one pounds nineteen shillings and threepence threefarthings to the coal merchant " Dolly (confidently): "Wβ should move!" ETIQUETTE FIRST. Mother was very keen on correct deportment, and never lost a ohanco of instilling it into Mabfl. "There's one important thing, my dear," she eaid. "You must never point at anything." "But, mamma." objected the girl, "suppose I am shopping and don't know the name of a thing?" "Then let the assistant chow you everything in stock until he comes to the article you desire." VERY KIND OF HER. The clergyman of a poor parish was showing a rich lady round, hoping to touch her "heart, and co receive a big cheque for his people. "We are now passing through the poorest slums," he said, as the <"ar turned into a side street. 'These people have little to brighten their liveis." "I must do something for them," sighed the lady, adding to the chauffeur, "James, drive the car slowly and turn on the big lampe." WIIEN" lIASTE IS WASTE. A Japanese baron visited the I'niver--1 Kity of California, and on leaving was put aboard a partly-filled local car. At a junction the party transferred "to a much-crowded through car. Japanese courtesy weathered the tost so far as matters "went, but the baron could not resist the question: "Why did Tve leave the comfortable car for this one, which is so crowded?" He was told: "Oh. we save two minutes getting into .San Francieco." ■'Ah." said he, "and wJiat will we do with the two minutes?" QUITE ."SUPERFLUOUS. After a little tea-party mc children I ' wore playing some game quietly in a corner of the room. The lady of the house was curious to know what was keeping them so interested, so she called her own girl to-i ward her. ! ■■"What game are you playing. Mollie?", she asked. i "Weddings, mother," replied the small i girl. ' I'm the bride, and Margery Jones is t:ip bridesmaid." } "And who is the bridegroom?" asked ] mother, knowing that there was no small boy among, the guests. : "Oh," came the quick answer, "this is' only a very quiet wedding , , you know." ]