MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume L, Issue 254, 25 October 1919, Page 18

MERRIER MOMENTS.

'•'What can be the cause of that crowd gathering over there?" "Oh, vulgar curiosity, I suppose. Let's go over."

X.: "1 say, old man, lend mc a fiver." V.: "Sorry, but I'm not making any permanent investments just now."

" Did you notice how your wife laughed at all my jokes? She's got a keen sense of humour" " No, she's got a dimple"

" May I—er—kiss your hand, Miss Dolly?" " Oh, I suppose so. But it-would be so much easier for mc to remove my veil than my gloves"

"Were you ever disappointed in love?" "Two Rnd a half times, dear lady." "Two •and a half times?" "Yes; twice married and once rejected."

Fond Mother: Tommy, where did you get that black eye? Didn't I tell you good little boys never fight? Tommy: Yes, and I believed you, ma. I thought jhe was a good little boy until I hit him, then found he wasn't.

Mrs. 'Iggins: We christened 'im 'Arold, from the 'yrun book. Mrs. 'Oggins: But. ;dearie, I've never seen 'Arold in the 'ymn ■book. Mrs. 'Iggins: Oh, but surely you've 'card '"Ark; the 'arold hangels sing?

She: " I don't believe you love mc." Methodical He: " I anticipated that remark. Here is an affidavit, duly sworn to, which deposes that I do love you."

Wife (excitedly): "If you keep on like this I shall certainly lose my temper." Husband (serenely): "No danger, my dear. A thing of that size is not" easily lost."

Father (very severely): "Now, look here, Jcnn}-, you must not encourage that young man to stay so late every night. It is simply disgraceful. What docs your mother say about it?" Jenny: " She says men have not altered at bit, dad!"

" Smith is mighty careless with tho truth, isn't he?" asked Brown.

" Yes," replied Jones. " Why, he'd deny it right after he had eaten a raw onion."

Unlucky Motorist (having killed the lady's pet puppy): " Madame, I will replace the animal."

Indignant Owner: "Sir, you flatter yourself."

• Lady (at railway station, to porter): Now, porter, are you sure I have all my luggage in the train? Porter: Nothing, ma'am —not even a . Lady: Nothing left behind? Porter: Nothing, ma'am— not even a copper, ma'am.

First Little Girl: "My mother doesn't allow mc to use slang." •Second Ditto: "Mine doesn't either. " I'd get it in the neck if she heard mc use slang, you bet."

Mrs. Gaye: I hear that Mr.'and Mrs. Jimson were very angry with their chauffeur when their motor car overturned. Is that so? Mr. Gaye: Well, naturally, he was quite put out, and she was very much upset.

Attorney. "Have you ever had any trouble with the defendant?"

Gap Johnson (of Rumpus Ridge): "Nope. None worth We've sorter took a shot at each other now and ag"in, but that's about all."

Gray: "Come home to dinner with mc. I don't suppose there will be much, but if you'll take us as we arc —such as it is—pot luck, and . " Green heartily: "Oh, don't apologise, old fellow; I've dined at your house before, you know."

Magistrate (to talkative prisoner): Now, what have you got to say? Prisoner: I've got a good deal to say, guvnor, if you'll only give m c time to say it. Magistrate: Certainly; six months.

j First Workman: Do you understand I this question of capital and labour? Second Workman: Well, it's this way. If you lent mc £10 that would be the [capital; the labour would bo the trouble !you would have in getting it all back again. HE UNDERSTOOD. " I have often marvelled at your brilliancy, your aptness at repartee, your "If it's more than five shillings, old man. I can't do a thing for you; I am hard up myself." THE UNREASONABLE WOMAN. A man was defending himself in a suit for divorce. " She's unreasonable," he contended, adding, "the other day she called mc the laziest man in the world because I threw a kiss at her." THE PARSON'S REQUEST. " Er—er—some of the facetious gentlemen in the congregation," said the minister as the deacons prepared to take up the collection, "have been in the habit of dropping trouser buttons into the plate. Might I suggest that, in view of a recent arrival at the vicarage, they substitute safety-pins for the time being?" FINDINGS KEEPINGS. A prominent missioner found a habitual drunkard and, after a greaf/ deal of trouble, got his name and address from him. The missioner at once telegraphed to the drunkard's wife: "Very glad to say that we have found your husband." The reply came back promptly: '"Glad you are so very glad about it; keep him." HIS CONFIRMATION. Alter church parade the padre said: "I wish to speak to those of you who have not been confirmed. Will the men divide themselves into two parties, please? Those who have, fall out on the 1 right, and those who have not on the left." Most fell out on the right. In the shuffle this remark was heard: "You ibeen confirmed, Bill?" "Bet yer life. Got the marks on mc arm yet!" "ALL MEN ARE ." The husband arrived home mucli later than usual "from the office." He took off his boots and stole upstairs into the bedroom. His wife began to stir. Quickly the panic-stricken man went to the cradle of his first-born and commenced to rock it vigorously. "What are you doing there, Robert?" queried his wife. " I've been sitting her for nearly two hours trying to get the baby to sleep," he growled. "Why, Robert, I've got him in bed with mc," replied his wife. Then thero :were. words.