MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume L, Issue 111, 10 May 1919, Page 18

MERRIER MOMENTS.

Willie: Paw, what is the breath of sus-: picion. Paw: The one that has cloves on it, my son. A middle-aged man was examining a phonograph record catalogue. "Why is I this opery called 'Samson et Dalila?'" hel asked. "As I recollect the story, Da-1 lila darn near et .Samson." "Who is at the phone?" "Your wife, sir." "What does she want?" "The only word 1 can understand is 'idiot,'. sir." "Let mc come there. She pro-l bably wants, to talk with mc." "So tho doctor told you to go to it! warmer climate. What was the nature of the trouble you consulted him about?" "I went there to collect a ; bill." j Sympathetic FYiend: "And how are i you feeling this morning, Mac?" Canny Scot: "Hoots, mon, hoots! Mc heid fe«ls like a toy- shop, wi' the hummm tops a-go in . Madge: I thought your engagement to him was merely for the duration of the, war. Marjorie: Pshaw! It will go on indefinitely. We've agreed to extend it for the duration of the Peace Conference. Fond Parent: Did you hear my daughter sing? Returned Soldier: Yeo. Fond Parent: What did you think of her range Returned Soldier: i should say she ought to kill at three miles. Edwin (tenderly touching her tresses i : j "Sweet one, let mc be like this lovely hair." Angelenn I tremulously I : "What, dear- i est, what would you be?" Edwin ( rapturously i : "All your own." Henry Peck: I've heen insuring my life for .CIOOO, dear. Mrs. Peck: .lust like your mean, selfish nature! Al.vavs thinking your own life. You say nothing about insuring mine, I j notice' The head of the government depart-1 mental ollice wa- reprov ng a snbord nate letter. "He win i iocs not make himself v n !<T-t"od." t'ui'i.'iel the chief, '.s a fo,,'. |), mii nn ler-tan 1 mc. eh?" "N >. | I ".lack. dear, before onr welding I wish voti would see a doctor?" "Why should P 1 am well, except a tou-'i of dyspepsia." "That's iust it. I'd like you to get a certificate from him which would -how that your dyspepsia antedated our | marriage." IMPERTINENCE. The minister was filling :n the mar-' nagc certificate. "Let mc see," he murmured to the bride, as he came to the dale, "this is the 7th. i.-n't it?" She' flushed hotly. The impertinence of the man! She stammered. Then rhe found, tongue. "No," she answered sharply: "it's not the seventh! This » only my, fourth!" HJS'DKVOTION. Even when the fighting was hottest.' the colonel of an Irish regiment noticed that one of the privates was following him everywhere, with apparently much devotion." At length he called the man to him and said: "You've stuck to mc well this day, Rnoney!" "Vis, sor," re- 1 plied Rooney, saluting smartly. "Mc old mother she scz to mc. -ez she: 'Patrick! mc bhoy, stick to the colonel, and yell be] all right: thim colonels never get hurt!" ONK TO THE BHITI6H NAVY. A Vanke sailor on board one of our. ships stood admiring the Forth Bridge.] and after awhile he turned to one of our sailors and said: i "1 -ay. gu£, that's a tine bridge you've got there; but we could have built one in half the time." Our sailor looked at the Yank and then at the bridge in a surprised kind of way. then said: ( "Well, I'll be blowed: that bridge wasn't up there ye.-terday. The Yank went; down below without saying another word. DISTURBED THE PEACE. i Pa Brown had settled down in a comfortable chair for a read. Ma Brown sat by the fire repairing the household linen." Sonny Brown was sitting at the table doing home lessons and struggling with some of the big words in the dictionary. The quiet of the room was disturbed by Sonny Brown saying: "Pa, are all the'words'in this dictionary?" "Yes, sonny." "Quite .sure, Pa?" "Well, sometimes there is a now word made." "What was the last word. Pa?" "Better oak your mother.' She always has it." There was no more peace in the home that night. "WITH A VIEW TO " When the poetic-looking piano -tuner arrived at the little suburban villa be was surprised to notice in the hall and ion the walls of all the rooms a large notice which read: — "LEARN TO SAY 'YES' !" \fter he had started operations the younger daughter of the family csime in "and entered into conversation with him. "By the way," he said. "I don't want to appear curious, but 1 shouldl like to know the meaning of that motto which you have all round the house. It puzzles mc." "Ob. that!" said the ingenious flapper. "That's just an idea of dad's. Dad's a business man. and believes jn business nioltos, and he likes things carried 'through in n business like way at home, lie put it up for us girls. You see, there are eleven of us!" HOW HE WON THE MAR. ' At the recent convention of the country newspaper editors of California I a certain editor told a good story on one jof his reporters. "One of our boys bed ] just conic back from the front, and 1 I told Bill to see him and get a lot of | stuff about his experiences, how he won i the war. etc. It was big stuff for us. | and my parting shot to Bill was: 'Oct ! several columns; enough to fill the front page at least.' nnd Bill went on his way armed with all the copy paper in the ollice and a pocket full of pencils. Back he came in due season, and sat down t'i 1 his typewriter. After a while I noticed jhe wasn't writing anything. 'What's I the matter. Bill?' I asked 'I'm up ! against it. boss.' wailed Bill, 'for the j life of mc I can't figure how to make even a half a column of this. You see. : T went to hi.tn and told him what I wanted, and be said: 'First we stood I and shivered in the wet: then we ran like the devil: there was a bell of a noise, and then I heard a nurse say: 'Drink this, please,' and that -was all the interview I got,'"