RANDOM SHOTS

Auckland Star, Volume L, Issue 111, 10 May 1919, Page 18

RANDOM SHOTS

BY ZAMIEL

some write d neighbour's name to lash. Some write- vain thought—for needful cart ] Souiu write to please the country clash | Ajnl raise n din; i For mc. an aim 1 never fash, I write for fun. i The Postal Department has made a i regulation to the effect that gamq and I fish forwarded through the post must jbe packed in straw or some similar stib- ! stance, the whole enclosed in calico or I thin sacking, and the. contents of the par--1 eel must be indicated on the cover- la ! the last requirement necessary? Surely these things announce themselves sufficiently. By the way, has nobody thought jof filling up the guards' vans on trains lon the Kaiparn line with parcels of fish i and game as a means of making those steam hearses hurry? You remember Jerome K. .Jerome's story of how he made record time in a hansom by having a parcel of cheese with him. £**•******* I The saving that there are three kinds lof liar.- "Liars, d— -d liar;., and statis--1 tic.-.'' came into my mind this week when ' I read the cable message saving that New /..aland occupied the best position among I the Dominions in respect to percentage ]of troojis returned or alloat. It is a i n-al. v he.int.t'ol example of the way in [which figures ma.v mislead. The tact that Iwe have sent away from New Zealand j far fewer troops than either Australia i lor Canada annihilates tins little com , pan-on in our favour. For il New Zealand. .-ay. had 100.00.i m .-v abroad, and Australia and Canada each had ] ..(ni.iino. n would be niu.-li easi r for New IZcaiand than for the others to ship back ,a given [Miec.itagc of men. Say the per-ri-ntugc wa- ,'.o p.i cent.; I ana.la and Au-.tr.ilia would have to transport lfni.UUU men, ami New Zealand only .'lo.oiiii No. my distant friend in London, .it yon nam t,, p.u New /,. aland on the ibai h, don t do it like that. ■H-l-H-ri-J-ii ! Yes, statistics arc uangerous things. It i- an oid saving th it they can be made lo prove uu.v tii.ng. 1 he beat instance of j tins I've ever come across was told ot ]a leading temperance advocate in England. Someone had advanced in proof ol lac bßUi'fiil ell -cts of total aUt ill'nee in India t.ic statement that in a certain I'.nti.-ii legiinim .">U per cent, of the total (abstainers had died in a year. Inquiries 'showed that there were two total : abstainers in the regiment, and one had been killed by a tiger! illiiiiili It is not surprising that some New Zealand chemists should object to be put in the position of keeping alcoholic liquor for Mile, under prohibition. Vail remember Mark Twain's story of the prohibition town in America A stranger made inquiries about a drink, and wa- told that it could only he got from a chemist, and as a remedy for snake bite, and there was a queue ol men at tho shop waiting their turn to be bitten! ■IMifciiiii Apropos of the discussion on the maniicis of tr.uiiv.aymen, I notice that in an eni,erprL-iiig American town prizes are being offered for the tnost COUrtCOUr, officials in the various public services, including the .street cars. Tho town is a meeting place for conferences from far and vv id.-, and the promoters feel that I from both the motal and advertising points of view tlie standard of courtesy should be raised as high as possible. It worries ihcm to think that a visiting delegate might he spoken to brusquely by a ear conductor. Here is an idea for the City Council when it fakes over the trains. ' It might offer a prize for the most courteous and considerate conductor and motoiman on each run: prizes to be awarded according to popular vote. Young men and young women would have 'one vote, middle aged men two votes, middle aged women three votes, old men and old woiuen four votes, and women with children five votes. Think how such a competition would take away from the. dullness of the homeward run, when with a joint of meat under one arm. and a bag iv the other hand, you try to balance youn>clt gently against your swaying neighbour, as the c;ir swinge round a bend. Instead „f the stereotyped "Fare, please," we ! might hear: "Aladnnic, do mo the favour lof "iving mc your honourable foxq. A 1 penny. " Nothing hut a ten 'note. Don't apologise, madame. It is. a pleasure and a privilege tg give you. ch.iii"e. Pray accept, madame, the i assurance of my most respectful gratij ture. . Excuse mc, air; L£- you ! will please contract yourself a little ; more, 1 will be able to pass. That's 1 riirbt. Yes, that's my foot, but dim t 'mention it:' you have" a tread as light a- Uence's." £*«-*«.-1 : ' This is a wonderful Government ot '~„,-. One day a Minister tells us most -olomnlv tint we must do everything we cm to inri-ea-e our production, and the next day a her Minister says that the (lovernment cannot offer any special indiicenieiil to soldier- from Britain to settle on tbe land. The population of the Pominion at the last census was l.ii'.lH.-Üb. Apparently this second Minister thinks that there is work for I ll'.lll. I I'd people in New Zealand, and that if a man came in from outside and made it 1.11U'.1.-100. Ihe consequences might be terrible. "You're a noble fellow,'' we kiv lo Ihe I'.ritish soldier, "We do not know how to express our gratitude to yon for doing so much to save us from tleiiiian domination. Really words fail us and deeds seem quite inadequate." "That's all right!" -ays Tommy. "We all did our bit: but look here, i want to ... ttle in the colonic-. I like these boys of voitrs, and 1 want to join them. What about a bit of land?" "Oh. well, you know it er -we haven't much 1.-ml available. What we have we want for our own soldiers." "Hut New Zealand's as big as my own country, isn't it. anil you haven't any more p-ople in the w hole of it than ate in my bit of Loudon." "Oh. '.veil, you see " and the conversation is turned. Tommy, being a wellmannered person, does not pursue the point, but goes off to find a Canadian, who promptly falls on his neck, and before the drinks are even drawn, has placed before him at least six different proposals for taking up land in Canada .