MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XLIX, Issue 280, 23 November 1918, Page 14

MERRIER MOMENTS.

lie: "And how are you getting on with your collecting for the soldiers?" She: "Splendidly! I've bad my name in the papers four times already."

Daughter (admiring present from her father): I can hardly realise that these beautiful furs came from such a small, sneaking beast. Father (angrily): I don't ask for thanks, my dear, but I must insist on respect.

" I don't know why it should surprise you to find that I love you." said the elderly admirer. " But, really," replied the girl, "I always thought you were an oild woman-hater!" "Quite so, but I'm not a young-woman-hater!"

An Irish corporal was drilling a squad of recniite. Impatient in their futile attempts to keep in line, he cried to them in an angry tone: " Eyes front! Just step out of the ranks, you set of duffers, and come and see what you look like!"

Sunday school teacher (to little Tommy, whose parents are always removing from one house to another) -. " Why did the Israelites move out of Epypt?" Little Tommy (promptly): " Because they couldn't pay the rent."

The Man on Leave: " Can yon take the name of Mabel ofT this ring, and substitute Joan?" Jeweller: "Yes, l>ut it will cost something; the letters are so deep." The Man on Leave: "An right, but don't cut it so dee]) tbis time."

The Australian soldier was due for leave to Blighty, but at. the last moment all leave was stopped. Discussing bis bad luck with liifl mates, lie remarked:

" I'm that unlucky, that if I was an angel dying about in Heaven some silly aea would shoot mc for a crow."

"T say, Sambo, where did you git dose ehort studs?" "In do shop, to be sure." "Yah, yon juet told mc you had no money." "iSat's riprht." "How did yon git dem den?" "Well, T saw on a card in de •window "Collar Studs,' so I went in and collared dem."

Doctor: What? Troubled with sleeplessness. Eat something before going to bed. Patient: Why doctor, you once told mc. neve^ - to eat anything before going to bed. Doctor (with dignity): Pooh, pooh! That was last January. Science has made enormous strides since then.

A teacher asked her ciase in spelling to state the difference between the word "results" and "consequences." A bright girl replied: "Results are what you cxpoct and consequences are what you get."

Louise, nine years old, asked her mother: "Where is papa going?" a stag party." she replied. "What's a stag party, mamma?" Sister Mabel, seven years old. who had been listening, with a dignified attitude of superior wisdom answered instantly; "It's whero they stagger. Don't you know?"

"Oh, Willie. Yv'illic!" cried the teacher to a hopeleesly dull pupil. "Whatever do you think your head is for?" Willie, who evidently thought this another ot the troublesome questions that teachers were always asking, pondered it deeply. "Please, ma'am." he replied at last, "to keep my collar on."

Charlie in only five, but a devoted eon. He said to his father, "Mower's got a wotten cold; you ought to det her sumfin."

"Hot weather is the only medicine mother needs,' , was father's reply.

At bedtime Charles prayed as follows Bless faver, and make it hot for mower.'

Delivering an address at a Sundayschool recently, a visitor spoke on the moral development of children. "There ie a boy here." he eaid, "and a girl there. What will they become when they grow up?" In a loud whisper one'of the scholars, turning to his teacher, supplied the answer—"Sweethearts."

A well known theatrical manager has a hnibit of getting his own way by hook or by crook. 'That's too loud.' , he called out one day, as the orchestra started at a rehearsal. "I can't help it, sir," replied the conductor, "it's marked 'forte,'" Well," went on the man of power. imperturaWv, "just make it thirty-five."

"Edward, my son," said a fanner, who was mixing the milk and water, "you

see what lam doing? , ' "Tes, father,' replied Edward. "You're pouring water into the milk." "You're pouring water •I'm pouring milk into the water. So it anybody asks you if I put water into the milk, you can tell 'em no. Always stick to the truth, Edward. Cheating is bad enough, but lying is worse." TOMMY'S COMMENT. A pacifist orator was declaiming against war in Hyde Park, London. Seeing a returned soldier idly listening on the. edge of the crowd, he roaxed out: "See that man! He i« garbed in the uniform of war. But I belong to the army of heaven." The "Tommy,' leisurely replied: "You're a "ell of a way from your barracks, then.' .