MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XLIX, Issue 244, 12 October 1918, Page 14

MERRIER MOMENTS.

Sammy: Mc farder knew a month before his death when he would die. .Tim: Who told him? Sammy: The judge. He: Once and for all, I demand to know who is the master in thia house? She: You will be happier if you dou't find out. Ouetomer: Great Scott! This is a rotton cigar. Shopkeeper: Well, don't complain! You've only got. one of them —I've pot ! ten thousand of the beastly things! "Burks: He's the meanest man in J town. 1 Smirks: And why? J Burks: I told him that T bossed my wife, nnd he went and told her. Guest (sarcastically to now waiter/: "Do .you know, my good fellow, that your thumb is in tlie soup?" ■ * Xew Waiter (affably): "Much obliged, sir, but that's all'riglit. The soup's not very hot, sir." Bill: You look bad, Jrra. Been laid up? Jim: To-day's the first time out of doors for three months. I Bill: What was the matter with you? : Jim: Notbin'. But the magistrate wouldn't belicTe it. "Look here now, Ilarold," said a father Ito hie little son, who was naughty, "if ! you don't say your prayers you won't go to Heaven." "I don't want to po to Heaven," Robbed the boy; "1 want to go with you and mother." Why is the parlour clock stopped ! every morning? It'B Flofeeie's sweetheart. Darn his impudence. I don't mind him , holding her hands, but why monkey , with the hands of the clock? Wife (sentimentally): "Egbert, what would you do if I were to die?" Egbert (ditto): "I should go mad,my , dear." Wife: "Would you marry again?" Egbert: "Well. I don't think I ehouH go as mad as that!" I What the quarrel was about neither !of them knew. * I The lady was the first to sue for peace. Seating herself coyly on the arm of her husband's chair, she said coaxingly:— [ I " Come, John, dear, kiss my cheek and make it up." But John was not in a gracious frame of mind. All he replied wen: "I'll kise it, but I don't think it wante ) any more making up." Teacher (to new girl): Now, Dolly, s 11l give you a sum. Supposing that . your father owed the butcher fifteen ■ pounds, eleven shillings, and twopence I halfpenny: seven pounds three shillings 'i to the bootmaker: fourteen pounde and ! ninepencc to the milkman; and thirty- , 1 one pounds, nineteen shillings, and '■ threepence three-farthings to the coal ' I merchant M Dolly (confidently): We should M move! ''( TNVITIW! THRIFT. He: "If I stole fifty kisses from yon ' what kind of larceny wouH it be?" She: "I should call it grand." RELIEF. Tom: "When you proposed to tier I , suppose r.he said, Thie is so sudden!" ' Dick: "No; she was honest, and said, j The eusppn.se has been terrible." , j IN THE HOUSEHOLD TRENCHEB. 1 Mrs. Willin: "Kit married him, bat the j can't control hhn." 3 Mr. Willis: "I see. She attained her 1 objective, but was unable to consolidate ■x her position." t MARKED. c Mother: "Don't cry, dear. Which one » of the naughty boys vu it that hit - yonT" i Tommy: The one with the black a eye." T OUT OF THEN. Wife: "Jim, fcere's the man called, for the money for mending yonr boots." Husband: "You go and tell him ne'e called out of his turn. The man who made 'em ain't 'been paid yet." c i- NOT HIS FAULT. Judge: "And so you sacrificed name, c honour, future, and freedom for the Bake "J of two miserable shillings ?" * Thief: "I did, yonr Worship. That's ■j all there wae in the safe." * PROSPECT STAGGERED HIM. "What's the matter, Ben? Yotfre looking worried." ;> "Work — nothing but wort from mornin' till night!" h u 'ow long have you been at iif "I begin to-morrow!" , GOT TiiE HABIT. While in a certain Government office recently, Sir Evans Jones, the Brittsn i, transport Board chairman, overheard the following dialogue between two fair typewriter tappers: "Isn't it terrible the ■way we have to work these days?" _! "Rather! Why, I typed so many letters yesterday that last night I finigh»r| my prayers with 'yours truly.' " " HEROES ALL. j They were two small girls, and they t were arguing as to which of their fathers had done the most in the war. Said she of the flaxen hair: "My father's a hero; foe had the V.C pinned on his breast by the King." But the blonde wae not to be beaten: c "Oh," she sniffed scornfully, "why, that's ' nothing. My father has a lovely wooden f j leg, and the King timself nailed it on." '_ ADVISED A REMEDY. 3 Sufferer: "I have a terrible toothache, j and want something to cure it." j Friend: "Now, you don't need any . j medicine. I had toothache yesterday, -, and I went home, and ray wife kiesed mc 1 and so consoled mc that the pain soon -' passed away. Why don't you try the f same?" 9 Sufferer: "I think I will. Is your t wife at home now?" ~i JOH>TNY'S DILEMMA. l Little Johnny -was hungry and the ~ potatoes were very hot. He discovered v the fact after he had taken a big mouth- :, ful, and quickly spat it out. Looking up " quickly to see how his performance was ) taken, he found his father's hand upr lifted and about to descend. Before the s blow fell, however, the little fellow got " in his word: "A fool would have swale lowed it and got burnt," and in the gale >- of laughter tiat followed punishment 1 was forgotten.