MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XLIX, Issue 208, 31 August 1918, Page 14

MERRIER MOMENTS.

Percy: X was born on April ). The Girl: Isn't nature wonderful?

"Well, wide, to-day's my birthday." "Oh, goody—goody! Can I have a new hat, dear?"

Funeral I>ircctor: Are you a mourner? Jones: Mc? No. I guese I'm the only chap he didn't owe money to.

'•What do you think of Scribbler's new story, -The Boundary Line'?" "It '3 well named, anyway, for it's the limit."

"In what way does Germany resemble Holland?" "It is a low, lying country, and damned all round."

"Iβ my son getting well grounded in the elaseics?" asked a millionaire. "I would put it even stronger than that," replied the private tutor. "I may say that he is actually etranded on them!"

Wife: I wish you had a nice place, where we could give a dance. Husband: Just for the pleasure of inviting some ol your friende, eh? Wife: Yes; and the pleasure of not inviting eornc.

She: What an atrocious necktie! 1 wouldn't trust you to select anything, you have so little taste. He (chuckling). You forgot that 1 selected you, my dear. She: You think you did, but you didn't, really.

"Father," said an inquiring youtn, "when a hen sits on an egg for three weeks and it don't hatch, is the egg spoiled?" "Aβ an article of diet, my son, it is henceforth a failure, but for political purposes it has its uses."

The Guide: "Now, ez soon ez I kin borry a dorg we'll be ready for your huntin' trip." Tho Amateur Sport: "Why, what's the matter with your own dog?" Hie Guide: "Oh, he's too valuable."

"Now, Johnny," said the Sunday school teacher, "can you tell mc one of the most remarkable things Moses did?" "Yee, ma'am." replied the bright youth. '"He broke all the commandments at the same time."

HEARD AT A RECEPTION. "How is she at bridge—strong?" ' Her bridge is etrong enough to cup port the whole family." CUTTING INQUIRY. Nell: "What would yon give to have euch hair ac mine?" Belle: "I don't know—-what did yon give?" SHOWED HIS VIEWS. '"He's a Teal patriot, anyhow." "What, makes you think" so* , "He's taken a big government contract for the same profit, he'd charge a private corporation." DFaSCRIBED IT. "They tell mc that case was full of interest." "It was full of everything. The witnesses were loaded and the jury was packed."

SOMETIMES; TUT ALWAYS, NEVER. Some years ago a London broker, who was a Gorman Jew, hnd his hat,tipped over hie face in fun by a brother broker. He took it in pood part, but when the other attempted to repe-at the trick the victim drew back, and. raising his hand, ho .said austerely: "Look here, mine friendt, to play 1 do not mind somedimes; but always, nefer." A TRUTHFUL DECLARATION. One of the Customs inspectors in this port recently was assigned to search a trunk owned by a lady whose declaration showed she had nothing but wearing npparel, but in the bottom was 12 quarts of superior whisky. "Call this wearing apparel?" growled the official. " Certainly," she, sweetly replied, "they arc my husband's night-caps." AN UNLUCKY EDITOR. The politician rushed past the official Cerberus into the editorial sanctum. "What do you mean?" he roared. ■' What do you mean by insulting mc as you did in last night's ' Clamour.'" " .Tust. a moment." replied the editor. " Didn't the story appear ac you gave it to us—namely, that you had resigned as City Treasurer?" "It did. But yon put it under the head 'Public Improvements.'" WANTED TO SEE HIM DRINK. Elizabeth McWood, aged 6, daughter of William McWood, came near getting papa into trouble recently. Invited to : the house for dinner was, well, let us call him Smith. Smith arrived on time, and while waiting for the announcement lof the serving of the meal indulged in ! the usual persiflage. In the midst of I which Elizabeth with a glass !of water which she tendered the visitor. "But I do not care for a drink of water now," said Smith. Then the shell exploded. "Well," said the pert little miss, "I heard daddy tell manu a you drank like a fish, an' I never Been a fish drink."

SALUTE FOR.THE OKXERAL. Frank Jacobs was instructor for a recruit at Camp Fremont, said recruit having been drawn for a tonr of guard duty for the tiret time. "Now," said the instructor, "if a lieutenant, either second or first, or a captain passes you while you are on duty in the daytime, face out and port arms. If the officer of the day, or any of the field officers pass you, present arms." Promises duly made. Recruit wae pacing his beat? who should appear but Major-General Morrison. "Who might you be?" asked the recruit. "The general commanding," was the reply. "Gosh!" said the new doughboy. "That feller never told mc what to do if a gen'ral come along. 1 s'pose yon'll hare to have more'n a sioot. JTow'd a bit of bayonet exercise strike you?"

THE ART OF ELIMINATION. He had opened a fish shop, and ordered a new sign painted, of which he was very proud. It read: "Freeh fish cold here." "What did you put the word fresh in for?" said his first customer; "you wouldn't sell them if they weren't fresh, would you?" He pointed out the word, leaving just "Fish sold here." "Why do you say here?" asked hie second customer. "You're not selling them anywhere else, are you?" So he rubbed out the word "here." "'Why use 'sold'? asked the next customer. "You're not giving them away, are you?" So he rubbed out everything but the word "Fish," remarking, "Well, nobody can find fault with that sign now, anyway." A moment later another customer came in. "I don't sec the use of that sign 'Fish' up there," he said, "■when you can smell them a mile away."