MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XLIX, Issue 41, 16 February 1918, Page 14

MERRIER MOMENTS.

"All's fair in love and -war-" In other words, before and after marriage.

"Who gave her away at her -weddingl" "Nofcody. She eimply threw herself sway."

"May we have the pleasure of your company tliLs evening, Colonel?" "Comipany, madam? I conwnand a regiment."

"I wonder what the German people think of raiding open cities." "Oh, just what the Kaiser tells them to think about it."

And speaking of war economy practices, "Don't furgit, brerren," as the coloured preacher said, "what a man sews dat ehall he also rip."

"Does your son who is abroad with the troops understand French?" ; "Qh, yes, but he says the people he meets there dont seem to."

Mistress: Ellen, what are you putting the fly paper outeide the house fort Green Girl: Sure, ma'am, it gets tilled up quicker outeide.

MUtress (engaging new maid): You say the last family you worked for were Germans? Maid (apologetically): Yes'm, but they was sterilised when war broif.e out. THE INTELLIGENT QUERIST. " Dear mc, that was terrible. Man fell overboard in mid-ocean, the other day, and was never seen again!" said Hickes. "Drowned?" asked Mrs. Hicks hysterically. " Oh, no, of course not," said Hicks irritably. " Sprained his ankle probably." THE APPROACHING STORM. Sir Hubert yon llerkomer used to tell an amusing story of a London art dealer. This man had two reproductions of the painting, " The Approaching Storm." One of these pictures he placed in the shop window, but it did not sell. At length, in order to draw attention to the picture, he used the words, "' The Approaching Storm.' Especially euitable for a wedding present.' THE WISER WAY. " What sort of man is Green?" " Fine. The best ever." "Is he trustworthy?" " Very." "Would you lend money to him?" "As to that I can't say. I've never lent him any. I've only borrowed from him." THE BIT HE IS DOING. Griggs: I see that Borely has got a job at last. He's working now in Hicks' livery stable. Briggs: What doing? Griggs: Hicks has some horses that won't take the bit; co Borley has to talk to them till they yawn. CHEERY. Bacon: Let mc shake your hand, dear boy. This is one of the happiest days of your life. Egbert: You're too previous, old man. I'm not to be married until to-morrow, you know. Bacon: That's what I say. This is one of the happiest days of your life. MOTHER'S MISTAKE. Brobson: You look broken up, old man; whnt's the matter? Craik: I called upon Miss Pruyn last night, and no sooner had I entered the parlour than her mother appeared and demanded to know my intentions. Brobson: That must have been rather embarrassing. Craik: Yes. but that wae not the worst. Just as the old lady finished speaking. Miss Pruyn ahouted down the stairs: "Mamma, mamma, he isn't the one." IT OFTEN HAPPENS. A newly-married lady was being interviewed by a reporter of the local newgpaper just after the ceremony. " And after the honeymoon where do yon intend to settle down?" was hie final question. "At the old manse," said the bride,ae she hurried away. The reporter thought it sounded ununusually familiar, but he decided to use it, co when it appeared in print the report finished up: " After the honeymoon the happy couple intend to live at the old manY NO NEED OF EYES. After witnessing the wonderful performance of a blind pianist one Irishman remarked to another:— "Be the powers, that's the best music I over heard with mc two care." "He does pretty well for a blind man, doesn't he?" "He does, indeed, but I was juet thinking of wan thing." "What's that?" "It wouldn't make any difference to him if 'he wasn't blind." "Why not*" "Well, I was watch in' him all the evening, and he never looks at the piano anyhow." / AN EFFICIENT CONDUCTRESS. A British tramcar was hopelessly overcrowded, and several people, who had achieved the upper deck, were transgressing all regulations by standing-. "Now, then," called out the girl, conductor with emphnei-t, "you can't stand on top." "Well," said one literaliot, smiling blandl3', as she peered down the stops, "We are standing, whether we can or not." The girl answered nothing, but promptly preeeed a button. The car jumped forward, and the literalist involuntarily took a seat on the floor. "There," eaid the girl,, apparently In complete humour, quoting the barrister in a famous play, "you think you can, but you can't." s A SCOTCH COURTSHIP. He was a typical Scotsman, and when he was asked his opinion of the troubles which had arisen .between a couple who began to find the yoke of Hynien a burden, he was not slow in giving it. "It's all along o' theee hasty marriages. They didna understand one ani'ther; they'd only knowed each ither a matter o' seven years." "Well, that seems long enough," said an interested listener.

"Long eno'? Bah, ye're wrong! When a body's coortin' he canna be too careful. Why, my coortahip lasted nineteen years I"

"You certainly were careful. And did you find your plan successful when you married?"

"Ye jump to a conclusion," said the old man, impatiently. "I understood <her then, co I didna marry her."