MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XLIX, Issue 11, 12 January 1918, Page 14

MERRIER MOMENTS.

"John, what is a proletariat?" "Mary, my dear, I am astonished, you should ask mc such a question, ana before the children, too!*' OAT OOimiRSATiONS; v Grace: "I didn't accept Walter tbe first time he proposed." Cliady&: "No, dearie; iron '•weren't there:" ETERNITY; "The idea of ihy friends, is something too vast for the human mind to conceive," said the lecturer. "Sky; mister," cried a voice from the audience, "did you ever pay far a huii-dfed-pdiihd piano oh the instalment plan?" DIDN'T WANT TO. A formal fashionable visitor thus addressed a very little girl: "HoW are you, my deart" "Very weli, thank you," she replied. The visiter hhen added: "Nowj ihy dear; you should ask mc how I am." "I don't want to fchftw " the cMd replied, simply ami honestly. WHERE fiARRY WAS. The munition works manager was showing a friend fotiiid the factory. '"What has becolhe di Harry dareless t" the friend asked: :i Wasß't he here last jrgaf ?*' "Ah! yeß:*' replied the manager. "Poor fellow! He was a good man; but absent-minded in thfe use df chemical*—very. That slight cHßCoidurtttibh on the ceiling—notice It?" "Yes."* "That's Harry." DULL TRADE. An old couple were in a very depressed state because of dull trade. Thinking their son in America would help them, they wrote, stating their trouble, and that if he did not help them they ivould have to go into the workhouse. Three weeks passed: and then came a letter from their son Baling—"Dear Mither and Faither,—Just wait another forthicht; an' I*ll come -haine ah" gang wi' ye. —Your affectionate son." THE SON'S RETURN. Mrs. Pinker stared at Mrs. Murphy. ''Yoh'fe'looking quite festive to-day! 'Ad a fortune left ye?" "No. Mrs. Pinker. But mc Bon Pat comes out to-day, and I'm bubblin' over wid pride ay him!"

"Thought the judge give him seven years!"

"Yeß; but bedad he's been such a good lad they've lit him off two ay them!" Mrs. Pinker gasped.

"Faith, ve've cause- to be proud ay c. lad like that!"

UNLUCKY. Fare: "Get on, man, get on! Wake up your nag." Irish Cabby: "Shure, sor, I haven't the heart to bate him." Pare: "What'e the matter with him I Is he ill?" Cabby: "No, sor, he's not ill; but it's unlucky he Is—unlucky. You see, every morning, afore I put 'hn in the shafts, I tosses Mm whether 'ell have a feed of oats or I'll have a drink of whisky, an' the poor baste has lost two mornings running." A CUTTING RETORT. A certain surgeon, who was young and shy, was invited to dinner by a lady, who was at least 50, but frivolous enough for 20. and considered herself still youthful. At dinner she asked the surgeon to carve a fowl, and not having done this before, he failed lamentably. Instead of trying to cover his confusion, she called attention to it very pointedly by saying loudly: "Well, you may be a clever surgeon, but if I wanted my leg taken off. I should not come to you to do it." "No, madam," he politely replied; "but then, you see, you are not a chicken." ON THE ALLOTMENT. Mr. Kuke's radish bed had been severely attacked by slugs, and he sought advice as to how to exterminate them. A neighbour told him to place salt between the rows of plants, and on meeting him a few days later asked: "Did you do as I told you!" ''I should think I did," the amateur gardener replied. "I put the salt down one evening, and, bless my soul, when I went out next morning the slugs were -pulling up the radishes, dipping them in the salt, and eating them as contentedly as ever!"

SETTING AN EXAMPLE. A parson who had been taking occasional duty for a friend in one of the country churches was one day gTeatly scandalised on observing the old verger, who had been collecting the offertory, quietly abstract a half-crown before presenting plate at the altar rails. After Bervice he called the old man into the. vestry, and told him, with emotion, that his crime had been discovered. The verger looked puzzled. Then a sudden light dawned on him. "Why, sir, you doan't mean that ould half-crown of mine! Why, T've led off with that this last fifteen year."

ITER BARGAIN. The old lady was timidly inspecting the stock of spectacles. "How much are theae?" she asked, selecting a pair. "Five shillings, madam." "And how much without the caser" "Well, the case makes very little difference. Suppose we say four-ami - ten." "What, is the case only worth twopence ?" "Yeß, madam"—firmly. "Well, I'm very glad to hear it; ifs the ease I want." And, placing twopence on the counter, the dear old lady took up the case and walked nimbly into the street, while the shopkeeper gasped for breath. FATHER'S ADVICE. "Well, well, well," cried Mrs. Henpeck. "Our son is engaged to be married. We will write to the dear lad and congratulate him." Mr. Henpeck agreed (he dare not do otherwise), and his lady picked up her pen. "My darling boy," read the son, "what glorious news. Your father and I rejoice in your (happiness. It has long been our greatest wish that you should marry some good woman. A good woman is heaven's most precious gift to man. She brings out all the best in him, and helps hira to suppress all that is evil. Her price is above rubies." Then there was a postscript in a different handwriting: "Your mother has gone for at stamp. Keep single, you young noodle!"