WISE AND OTHERWISE.

Auckland Star, Volume XLI, Issue 272, 16 November 1910, Page 8

WISE AND OTHERWISE.

(By "OLD SALT."),

Every Journalist w an upright man, and no newspaper man ihsis ever been known .to lie easily; so readers will appreciate my elation at -being able to resume the perpendicular after spending jour weeks upon the broad of my back. The restoration ds only partial—that is; I am permitted to sit up in toed, hence these lines. A friendly writer in a. contemporary suggested that it -would be interesting to read, upon, jny recovery, wiat remarks 1 would have to make about -motor care in general and unskil-fully-driven ones in particular; 'but although I have camped with 'bullockdrivers, travelled with, them and helped ito yoke up; althouglh wita eyes and ears opened 1 have mingled " Illd the riot of the shearers in tbe shed"; although I have been persona, grata •in 'bath firemen's and seamen'e fo'o'etles, and although I have studied types and language in many part 3of the world, to voice my sentiments upon this occasion is beyond mc. There are times •when lthe heart ds too full for words; this is one of them. The ■occasion reminds mc of an accident which befel an e&timable costermonger at the top of Fish-street HUI (London, E.C.), when Ms- harrow, full of oranges, capsized and he was left •watching -his stock-in-trade rushing violently dvvrn a steep place. A minisber of religion stepped up to 'him, congra.-fruila.-foed him upon his self-control in that Ihe accepted the disaster silently, and Tcquested the pleasure of shaking hands'with him. That, however, was not enough for the peripatetic fruit merchant, he pleaded for another, for appealiugly he said,, "Mister, give us a 'and. I 'aven't got the la-ngwidge!"

Occasionally extracts from current papers Are given, to sdhool classes for parsing and analysis. Now a local serine in a daring effort ito he original writes ,of "Asiatic erewed British ships," and I badly want .to 'know what part of speech that "crewed" is. 3s it part of a douible-Tjarrelkd adjective, or as it the past pantkiple of a hitherto unknown vert? "Croiv" ia the only verb I can .think of that is anywhere near the mark; Ibut accepting that as the parent there is something redundant about "crewed" —it is a word with too many pasts. "While waiting elucidation from some 'bright State school scholar, it will be safer perhaps to epcll the word in the good old-dashkmed way, with, a "v." U used dn connection •with the daring , writer's knorwledge of English there can ■be do doubt as to the proper application of the word "crude."

I It is very annoying to .think that aa soon as I am laid, aside things should go wrong in Europe, and no doubt I shall be blamed for the way things have gone with Manuel of Portugal; but what can a man do -with one leg? That is not quite what I mean; of course ilie can do lots oi things. I meant to say, what can a man ■with one leg d© ? Le pauvre Manuel. ' He left tihe palace (there naturally would -hare .been some difficulty about taking it with shim) with only a, small bag, and was forced to borrow some money and a few (handkerchiefs from a neighbour. It must be annoying even to Royalty to seek refuge in tears before the washing has come borne, and it was distinctly mean of the revolutionaries not to leave him at least half-a-crown. Perhaps, however, they want to •keep tie regalia intact in the event of the populace carrying restoration at the nest poll—when they will most likely decorate that of somebody else.

The attention of <bhe Prime Minister has been called to the fact that duxing the conduct of the election of a ■member for Auckland East, the hotels on one eide of Queen-street were closed from noon until seven, -while on the opposite side of the street busiaesa was

carried 'on as usual. This is interesting so far as it goes, even if the news is rather stale; but the humour of the thing lies in the omission from the Electoral Act of any prescribed penalty •for disobedience. The publican always has the best of it, so ho might be punished for trading during prohibited hours; but the 'butcher, baker and candlestick-maker might cheerfully have faced a .prosecution—some, in fact, were threatened—secure hi the knowledge that the magistrate's powers would be limited to the admonition not to let it occur aguin.

An AlUanee advocate congratulates himself and his 'brethren upon the removal, iby means of the Licensing Amendment Act, "of certain evils and abuses, such ac the locker system, the bottle license, beer depots, and barmaids." I wonder in -which category does he place barmaids, and I wonder would the iconoclasts for whom the gentleman acts as spokesman be in favour of substituting white-coated stewards for 'the green-clad houris of the Moslem paradise? With many of my fellows I entertain a genuine reapect for ladies of the 'bar—l like the term "ladies" as • distinguiehed from "gentlewomen 1, ; these last become hospital nuiees—nand to watch their passing without a word would .be too bad. Evils and abuses, forsooth!—

Farewell! fair victims of this strange upheaval. As ornaments we knew yon, and of use; Tour enemies now hint that some are evil; But theirs and only theirs Is the abuse.

It is reported that both Mr. Louis Botha and Mr. J. C. Smuts declined to accept titles offered 'by the Duke of Connaught when the South African celebrations were under way. 1 have heard of titles 'bestowed by a Yankee mate that lots of men would hesitate to accept, ibut from a real live Duke it eeems a little ungracious to refuse w-hat costs nothing, and is worth less. Certainly the Afrikanders were whitewashed rather suddenly, and it is possible that the colour ie not fast; but ■they must ,be' Wacker even than they were painted before peace ■was declared if (they no longer botha about smuts.

These Church people do know how -to enjoy life. At a 'branch gathering- under the auspices of the Presbyterian Assembly tJie meeting took the form of a light tea, with .business as a dessert. There is a ibeautiful adaptation of the natural law of compensation here, and I only Jjope the "light" tea did not partake of the nature of the Esquimaux' little treat. Otherwise there would be no 'oil to cast upon the troubled waters of debate, and no candles to lighten the darkness of the debaters. It is a pity that each a solemn body should employ words -which have double meanings, and dessert, anyhow, is as much out of place as a cup of tea. with devilled bones. When a man is told 'that ihe will meet with his deserts, he docs not anticipate being pelted with bouquets or medals; involuntarily he .begins to wonder when Ihe will have to dodge the axe. If this sort of tiling were promised as a follower to the light tea, I daresay a good many—Presbyterians included —would be tempted to desert before the dessert arrived.

Metaphors require judicious handling, for to mix one's metaphors may result as disastrously as to mix one's drinks. Reading , of the trouble at the Northera Wairoa Hospital at Dargaville, I am amazed to find that the little rift appeared some weeks ago, and has now reached 'boiling point. I have heard of a lyre (with a slight difference in the spelling) being in hot water, but a lute —never! Still, the sight of brave deeds done wakens a spirit of emulation in every .properly constituted man, and I am •waiting now until some disputatious nttititer ■will afford mc the opportunity of saying: "Already the little pitted speck in the garnered frnit is evident, 'which must result in a disastrous explosioa."