HUMOROUS.

Auckland Star, Volume XVIII, Issue 54, 2 July 1887, Page 1 (Supplement)

HUMOROUS.

Thb favourite spice of convicts ought to be sinnerman. , The more you puff a cigar the smaller if) becomes. And thab is the case with some men. "Ibs a snoutrageous performance," said the hog when a ring was put through his nose. Great deeds musb make greab men if there is any A'irbue in titles to the valuable corner lots. When two dogs quarrel too long over the same bone a third dog is apt to come by and cotton to it as his own. The crematory is the burn from which no traveller returns. The most wonderful flighb on record was when the chimney flew. To sensibive people a mortification is almosb as bad as a calamity. Wife—Will you bake me bo the opera tonight, dear ? Husband—Yes, go and undress. m No man will permit a stranger to lfe about his friends. That is a special privilege of friendship. It almost takes one's breabh away to hear an Englishman speak of Hateen 'Undred and Haty-Hate. When a carpenter strikes for higher wages he should carry on his struggle on a high jplane, as ib adze to his chances for uccess. Experience is an admirable teacher. The cost of buibion, however, is less if you learn from the experience of some other fellow. It has been discovered bhab four women walking abreast, on the pavement can be scattered a little by an active man with a paint pot. " Jones is one of the oldest settlers, isn't he ?" remarked the newcomer to the corner groceryman. "Yes, indeed, he is an old gobbler. He hasn'b sebbled with me for over twenty-five years." Irate Old Gentleman—Mary, what was that noise I heard in the kitchen 1 Mary— Faibh ! an' little oi know, unliss yez heard Mike's countenance dhrop whin oi refused him a kiss ab partin'. "In case of an accident, Doctor—a broken leg, for instance—-whab is best to be done' while waiting for the physician ?" " Well " said the Doctor. "I think the best thing" to be done is bo gcb his money ready for him." Said a maid, "I will marry for lucre." And her scandalised ma almost sbucre. But when the chance came, And she told the good dame, I notice she did not rebucre. New Yorker (to Dakoba man) —You have a good deal of snow in Dakota, I suppose ? Dakotan—Oh, no; ib never gets so deep that wo can't tell whab kind of a day it is by looking out of the chimney-tops. "The trouble with business, my dear fellow, is that people don't spend enough. What we wont to do is bo pub more money in circulation." " I'm sure I'm willing. But where is the money to come from ?"

Papa—Well, girls, Lent is nearly over, and now whab have you done for the good of the church during the season of penance. Bess (with a sudden attack of bravery)— Mollie hasn't done much of anything, bub I—hm—er—l've p-promised to m-marry bhe now recbor.

It is believed bhab there was no disrespectful significance in bhe German Crown Prince's planting a chesbnub tree in remembrance of his father's ninetieth birthday anniversary.

"Is the sermon done?" an old woman was asked as she was leaving the church. " No," was the prompb reply, " the sermon is preached, bub it wil have to be done by hearers during the week." Tennyson, in his "Jubilee Od_,"_ays_ " Fifty times the rose has flowered and faded * * * since our Queen assumed the globe." By the way, who. hadchiirga of the old globe—more frequently called the earth—before' theQueen'assumed'__"".?7>

» According to the women, a spring* bonnet is variously described as a "perfect love," a " delicious tiling," something " too lovely for anything," a " regular crusher," a " thorough knocker " and a " dear." As names are called, please step to the front and make a selection.