Notices that Make You Smile.

Ashburton Guardian, Volume XXVII, Issue 7084, 24 January 1907, Page 1

Notices that Make You Smile.

THE LATEST SAMPLES OF HUMOROUS ANNOUNCEMENTS

{ Whatever else may fail, the crop of I humorous Tiotices remains a constant \ source of gaiety, as the following samples, pall of recent harvesting, will prove.

Only a few days ago the writer's thoughts were involuntarily carried to far Chicago" by the sight of a notice prominently displayed in a London butcher's shop window. The gruesome, if wellmeant, legend ran thus: '\yanted a ire" spectable boy for beef sausages. 1 In agreeable contrast to this too suggestive announcement is that displayed outside a Leytonstone tradesman's shop: 'Provisions as supplied to Poplar (workhouse); everything of the very best.' (

The following advertisements which appeared recently in a provincial newspaper, the Jatter a day after the former, tell their own tale without the aid of an interpreter :—

Lost.—Five Shillings Reward will be paid for the return of my Maltese kitten; white cross on throat, blue ribbon about neck; answers to the name of "Fluffy. 1 — Mrs X.Y.B.

Reward.—l will pay Twenty Shillings reward for the skin of Mrs SfY.B.'s cat. —X.Y.B.

As do these, which also appeared at. a day's interval: —

I, John B , of , warn all tradesmen in the district that I will not be responsible for any debts incurred after this date by my wife, Mary .

I, Mary B —, beg to remind my husband, John B , that he had better pay a few of his own debts before troubling himself about mine.

It was in a magazine issued from a I certain public- school that the following seemingly heartless announcement appeared a short time ago: 'The editor will be very pleased to hear of the deaths of any old boys'; while about the same time an officer of health received this carious note from one of the residents of his district: 'Dear sir, —I beg to tell you that my child, aged-eight months, is suffering of measles as required by Act of Parliament.' A Japanese laundryman advertises thus: I 'Contrary to out opposite company, we will most cleanly and carefully wash our customers with ■ possible cheap prices as j follows :—Ladies, two dollars per hundred ; gentlemen, one and a half dollars, per hundred* And a. notice inviting the residents in an Essex parish to protest again.st«the Education Bill contained this anticipatory paragraph : 'All parishioners are invited to attend, the parents of pre- ] sent and future children being especially urged to do eo.' In the window of an East-end public- j house may be re-ad the attractive notice | by those who aro looking for cheap bil- j (iard tables: 'Billiard tables upstairs. One shilling per hundred.' An Epping tradesman displayed the following announcement on the shutters of his tem-porarily-closed shop: 'Premises closed until the clouds roll by and show the silver, .lining'; and Mr Jacob Popp, a tobacconist of Wycombe, is the author of this quaint notice : 'This shop is open on Sundays from 9.0 a.m. to 9.0 p.m., in spite of Charles ll.' ■

Over a shop in Duninow, from which the tradesman's name has been removed, the following quotation" from Lord Heroert's epitaph was placed recently: 'He that cannot forgive others breaks the 6ridge over w-hich he must pass himself; for every man has need to be forgiven.' A Hull shipowner, owner of three safes and a sense of humour, has had printed on each safe for the ■ guidance of tho 'gentle 'burglar' these words : 'This safe is unlocked. Turn the handle to the right.' And equally .humorous was the author of the following recent advertisement in a country paper: 'Wanted a warehouseman. Applicants must be accustomed to rigorous discipline. Only the offers of such candidates will be entertained who have served in the Army or been married for a considerable time.'

Not long since the inhabitants of Crowland (Lincolnshire) were startled to hear the town crier announce : 'This is to give notice that Mr will not hold hhvuself responsible for debts .ccjixtracte-d by his wife in his narno -after this date; and he also wLs-lip^ the inhabitants to know that she is now up for sal© by private oontfaefc.'

A Scottish account of the wedding of Loch'iel and Lady Hermiono Graham inform/: us that one. of the officiating clergy was the 'Rev Dr Inge, vicar of All Saints' Church, bordered with a full rucho of thiffon. and lined with non-com-missioned officers and men of the bridegroom's company, Grenadier Guards.'