Concerning Cranks.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLV, Issue 18, 3 May 1911, Page 11

Concerning Cranks.

A FEVV PLAIN WORDS FOR AMATEUR a. i There are 1 few golf clubs the secretary of which could truthfully say, “We have nd cranks hr our midst,” though,'according to non-players, the mere fact that a man plays golf is sufficient to dub him “crank.” With these misguided persons we can only sympathise, and pass on to the subject of cranks. ■* The particular type I have in my mind at present is the person who in his wanderings on the course is always on the qui vive for his pet aversion. It may be t*>i»t the sight of a small plantain on the green arouses his righteous indignation. He works himself into a passion over the presence of this undoubted pest, and- informs the green committee that the greens are going to the devil. He, having made a special study of this particular weed, naturally has a remedy at h's finger ends, and, whether given piVniss'on or not, makes his appearance at the clubhouse with a bottle of some deadly poison, which, he assures you, betokens a rough time for his bete noir. Armed with this he seeks his foe, and it is quits* within the bounds of possibility that the club will shortly receive an account from the local farmer for the death by poison of half a dozen sheep. But it is always claimed by this amateur eradicate? that, though his foul mixture is rough on the plantain, all other things possessing I'fe -—even that harmless scoundrel, the worm—will welcome this addition to their daily’ menu. Whilst we have to listen to this modern Borgia explaining the virtue of his poisonous compound, there is no necessity for the welfare of the greens being placed in his charge. Rather should green committees turn a. deaf ear to his fervid appeal to be allowed to experiment. His experiments invariably result in another green being laid aside for a few months. The gentleman with a plantain in his honnet can be written down as harmless in comparison with the scoundrel who has the only dead-certain worm destroyer on earth. These should be shown as much mercy as they give the worm. Their locker at the club is given it wide berth. Asafoetida is as Attar of Roses compared to what is lurking in tfiis particular locker, »ud all iron club* in tiie vicinity are

Usually red with rust. TTie only pleasure we get is wheq She. but tie breaks in Kis pocket. A’ few years ago a man cam* to me and offered himself as a eqddie. He seemed respectable, and, thinking he had seen better days, I was moved to pity, and to my everlasting sorrow I started him carrying dubs. In course of time he strayeel into the shop, and, having heard that in former days he had been a chemist, in a weak moment 1 suggested that he should put bis knowledge to the task of producing a good stain for golf clubs. He certainly produced a decent stain, and. pleased with his success, 1 further told him that if he could produce a cheap, effective worm destroyer—one that, whilst sending the worm to its doom, would act as a fertiliser—his fortune would be assuied. This was the commencement of a time of trial for all concerned. The following dry he brought his stock-in-trade, weird bottles, and test tubes—mysterious packages of which not labelled "Ponson” were most pugnacious as regards the effluvia given off. He set to work, and one by one my customers dropped off. Blue Hames surrounded my shop, and the whiskers of the chemist were gradually assuming a greenish hue. Feeling that my days were numbered unless I put a stop to his efforts. I informed him that he must desist. He pleaded so. bard, however, to be allowed to finish a certain mixture, that I consented. This proved to be a good stroke, for the next tilling that occurred was an explosion, and the chemist disappeared through the door, and thus another cranx was disposed of. it is a poor sort of golfer that cannot give you a certain cure for daisies, though few are effective. There qre, however, excellent preparations on the market' which are advertised in all sporting publications, and these can be relied upon. The man to be most pitied in a golf elub is the greenkeeper himself, who has to stand by and see his greens tortured by a erank who has obtained permission from the committee to experiment. From experience the. greenkeeper knows what is best for the turf, and because Jones or Brown has used a preparation of his own with success on his lawn it by no means follows that the same treatment will lie of any use on. a golf course. I was once taken tp see*a bowling green which had been treated in a certain manner,, . ■.

This particular green was a picture, and I tried the same treatment, but without any good result. The reason of this lay in "the fact that a bowling green is laid up for the better part of the ypar, and receives no rough treatment from the spikes—mis named “golfing nails’lrr as does a golf green. Again, the person in charge of a bowling green has just one green to look after, and a man would not be worth his salt if he could not get- a bowling’ green to perfection. So much for' manorial cranks. There are others whose reputation as cranks arises from various causes. We can sympathise with the gentleman offer called crank whose pet' bete noir is a three-ball match. If he knows that a match of this description is six holes ahead of him lie will burst himself to overtake them, for the mere pleasure of telling them they have no locus standi. 1 am not sure if we can rightly dub him crank, but merely a stickler for Rules, who, however, might possibly possess a'nast'y manner of proving you in the wrong. Another type is the person whose bag is full of weird clubs of hits own devising. His cokehammer putters are damned for ever—• thanks to the foresight of the Rules of Golf Committee; but he still swears by his driver with the asbestos neck, or his brassie, the shaft of which is composed of six pieces of cane. It is a notable fact that no crank, as far as dubs are concerned, ever plays a first-class game; but they are ever ready to prove to you that your handicap would tie reduced if you would only use their particular monstrosities. And then there is the dubhouse erank, who scarcely ever playa, but uses the club for bridge. He has relegated to himself the pleasure of filling the Suggestion Book on the subject of "food,” whisky, etc. He was once on the House Committee, ami never lets you forget it. He is listened to in patience, but wheh absent' is damned by all as an intolerable nuisance, whose sole mission in life seems to be in the cause of strife. .To linn the sight of the steward is as a red rag to a bull, and that unhappy person may be pardoned if he does his best to give the crank indigestion. These are but a few of the cranks to be met with in connection with golf; but from the professions point of view— ‘‘Vive le Crank.”

HARRY FULFORD.