Anecdotes and Sketches

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLI, Issue 18, 28 October 1908, Page 43

Anecdotes and Sketches

WHEN SCOT MEETS SCOT. <l’lle Bev. Thomas Alexander, a Presbyterian minister, long resident in Chelsea, iand well known as a brother Scot. was most anxious to know Carlyle, but had no opportunity of getting an introduction to Slim". One day, in King’s road, he saw Carlyle coming in his direction, and took advantage of the opportunity'by going up io the sage and saying: “Thomas Carlyle, 1 believe?” Carlyle’s reply was “Tom •Alexander, I know!” They became good friends, and later Mr. Alexander wrote ±o Carlyle for a subscription toward a School building fund, and Carlyle wrote back a refusal in doggerel, whereupon Mr. Alexander replied that if he did not Bend him live pounds, he would sell his poetry to a collector ■or publish it. The pounds were at once forthcoming. + + ♦ •TAKEN AT HIS WORD. Patrick Sweeney, Esq., was a self-made plan. He was as bald as a billiard ball, and, besides trying to impress everyone with a sense of his own importance, he treated his employees with scant courtefeyi One day he walked into his office hent on venting his wrath on the first person with whom he came in contact. ■The first thing that attracted unfavourable attention was a piece of fly-paper on his desk. “Here,” he said, addressing his typist, “what is this doing here?” ‘"Why! you told me to put it there yesterday,” retorted the typist. “Well, take it away,” ordered Sweeney, gruffly. “But where shall I put it?” “I don’t care a a hang,” said Sweeney, stamping his foot angrily, “so long as you put it where I Can’t see it!” The typist, whose proportion of Irish blood was equal to that of her employer picked up the offending Jfly-paper, balanced it a brief moment thoughtfully on one hand, and then—slapped it carefully on the back of Sweeney’s hairless head. After which she seized her hat and didn’t wait to say goodbye.

GOD SAVE THE KING. In a certain small village there were two butchers who were sausage dealers living in the same street. One placarded his sausages at one shilling per pound, and the rival promptly placed eight pence on his card. No 1 then placed a notice in his window, saying that sausages under one shilling per pound could not be guaranteed. No. 2’s response to this was the announcement, “I have supplied suasagee to the King.” This might have been regarded as the last word, but it wasn’t. In the opposite window the following morning appeared an extra large card, bearing the words, “God save the King.” + ♦ + NO ALTERNATIVE. A physician in a small town was distinguished by his inability to remember names and people. One day, while making out a patient’s receipt, his visitor’s name escaped him. Not wishing to appear so forgetful, and thinking to get a clue, he asked her whether she spelled her name with an e or i. The lady smilingly replied, “Why, doctor, my name is Hill.” ♦ + THE GORDIAN KNOT. A judge, sitting in chambers, seeing from the piles of papers in the lawyers’ hands that the first case was likely to be hotly contested, asked, “What is the amount in question?” “Five shillings,” said the plaintiff’s counsel. “I’ll pay it,” said the judge, handing oyer the money; “call the next case,” He had not the patience of. Sir William Grant, who, after listening for two days to. the arguments of counsel as to the construction of a certain ,act, quietly' observed when they' had donej “That Act has bean repealed.”

’ R ESDI RO EFI L WIVES. “I am told that your husband plays billiards every night at the club—plays for money, too," said the anxious mother to her newly married daughter. “That’s all right, mother,” cheerfully responded the young wife. “He gives ®ie all his winnings ” “What? Do you ” “And he always plays with Mr. Nextdoor.” “What difference does that make?” “Mrs. Nextdoor makes her husband give her his winnings, too. and she gives the money to me and I hand her what my husband won from hers, and so we both have about twice as much money as we could get out of them otherwise.” —Chicago Journal. ♦ ♦ ♦ A SIAMESE TWIN VO Sir Gavan Duffy, formerly Speaker of the Legislative Assembly of Victoria, was once returned to his seat by a single vote majority. On visiting his constituents subsequently, he was received with a special warmth by an Irish fellow-country-man. “And so,” said Sir Gavan Duffy to his friend, “you were one of ray. supporters.” “No, sir,” was the reply, “I was two of them.” ♦ > ♦ STUNG. On one occasion, says an i paper, a U.S. cruiser ran into tine, Maine, where crowds of visitors boarded the ship. One old, grizzled farmer fell into the hands of a youngster from Montana. For the time being ventilators became torpedo tubes, those “sticks” up in the air were to hold up fog nets, the ropes were clothes lines, the engines ran by radium, and the vessel was the fastest ship afloat. The old boy seemed deeply interested, especially in the chute, for getting overboard the legs and arms that might be adrift in action, and the valve for letting water out that might run into the ship. When he finally went over the side .he was profuse in his tltqnkS; Turning to dtis ' escort he drew out his card, on which was engraved: —, Rear-Admiral. U.S.N., Retired,” and'said: “The old .ship has. changed since I commanded l ' her”

I SELESS. A young enthusiastic revivalist had been exhorting a congregation in a small West Coast town for over two hours without perceptible effect. He was somewhat discouraged until a rough old miuer interrupted him with: “Say, brother, I’d' like to ask a question.” The yoting revivalist beamed. “Thank you, my man, for your interest," he replied. “1 shall be more than glad to set you right on any question. Your desire for enlightenment is a good sign, which I am very, very glad to see. Now, what is it you want to know?” Kin I smoke?” asked the miner. BY INFERENCE. A magistrate looked severely at a small, red-faced man who had been summoned before him, and who returned his gaze without flinching. “.So you kiekM your landlord downstairs?” said the magistrate. “Did you imagine that was within the rights of a tenant?” “I'll bring iny lease and show it to you,” said the little man, “and I’m sure you'll agree with me that anything they’ve forgotten to prohibit in that lease I have a right to do the very first chance I get!”