The Marrying and the Married.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXVI, Issue II, 12 January 1901, Page 89

The Marrying and the Married.

“To marry aright is to read the riddle of the world.” SQUABBLES. There are many names for them, slang and otherwise. Under the head of “difference” we may place the "tiff.” the "breeze.” the i "skirmish,” the “spuffle,” the "huff;” while “shindy,” “squall,” “row,” and "ructions” imply a decided quarrel of a more serious nature. To "have a few words” with anyone, though sounding polite, has often a fatal significance. There is a word, 1 believe of Kentish origin, “stuffy,” which is something between being sullen and displeased—rather the feeling that one would like to be vexed, but that one has not sufficient excuse for a quarrel. Stuffiness is often the beginning of the bad little, sad little “tiff,” so potent in its ruffling of calm waters. Many of the most serious, lasting quarrels have sprung from some abI surd cause, out of all proportion to the result. The squabbles of the married are especially ridiculous, because the constant and close association affords so many trivial opportunities. Elizabeth of the Garden tells us that Irais is vexed with her husband because he does not always rise to open the door for her. Many a long-felt grievance hangs on some such simple thread, and it adds a terror to life if we consider that we ourselves are perhaps unconsciously making others miserable, not by what we do, but by what we omit to do. The plain speaking between the married, which I have before advocated as but sane and essential, would

obviate many People fence too much with each other; and this would not matter if, as in the case of friends, the button were always on the foil. Few of us really want to quarrel; and the first thing to do when we find ourselves at it is to try to end it as soon as possible. Sometimes admitting at once that we are in the wrong will soften the way towards a reconciliation, and give the unpleasantness a chance to subside. It is foolish to hold out when we see we are wrong and the other person is right. If. however, our quarrel is just, we can but wait for light to dawn upon the adversary, in which the real mistake can be seen, and to try to hold a gentle mind towards them, ready to forgive without actually using that very word. An apology and an explanation ought to be enough for anyone. There should be no necessity to grovel in the dust. PEOPLE WHO WANT TO QUARREL. Some people are so pugnacious it is difficult to live at peace with them: at best it is only a truce. They will not let sleeping dogs lie; but worry and snarl until they discover some bone to pick with you, whether you will or not. It is all very well to say it takes two to make a quarrel, but the lamb in the fable could tell a different story. The most placid disposition is not exempt from the determined attack of bad temper. Soft answers will sometimes turn away the wrath; but occasionally more stringent remedies must be applied. ■‘Beware the wrath of a patient man.” To be sharply angry sometimes is not only just, but kind, and will melt mountains of peevish exaction and petty dispute, where temperate argument might work in vain.

NAGGING. If, when the patient man's badtempered wife nags or teases or storms and will court a quarrel, he were to let loose (for five minutes) the tiger which is in the best of men, he would find that she would “first exhibit a wild surprise, and then shrivel up.” A sudden spurt of anger is the best corrective for bad temper. As there is so much bad temper both in men and women, it has to be reckoned with as being Ihe spring of many a quarrel. It is not because we are evilly disposed that we quarrel. but because we happened to lie in a bad temper at a particular time, and could not receive the reverse or affront or attack with equanimity. It ought to be a comfort to remember that temper is so much force ill-con-trolled, and even where it is well controlled. one must not lie surprised if it bursts out sometimes like steam in unexpected places. It is a great help to be on the lookout for the first sensation of irritability rising in the mind, and to go away very quietly (without slamming the door), and be alone until the annoyance has passed. People would often see what fools they are if they would only give themselves time to think. Of all unreasonable outbursts of temper was that of a man who began quarrelling with bis wife on their wedding-day because he left his hatbox in the train. Being a meek, peace-loving woman, she gave way to him entirely from that moment, ami has spent her life chiefly in endeavouring to keep her lord in a good temi>er. One can understand the shock at the time must have paralysed her; but if she could have rallied from it, and, instead of trying to ward off his ex-

plosions, bad struck out (metaphorically, of course) from the shoulder, his blown-up eholer would have burst like a pricked balloon, and she would have l>eeu a happier woman this many a long year. To knock the wind out of an mi reasoning, furious man who quarrels over nothing and anything, you must Im- the first to get furious, ami as you are not really angry, but pretending to be. you never lose your head, ami can hold the advantage at every point. If you doubt the soundness of the argument. reml “The taming of the “Beware Of entrance to a quarrel; but. being in’t. Bear it that th' opposed may beware of thee.*’ I don’t believe We were ever intended to turn the other cheek to people we live with all the year round. Anyhow, to allow anyone, unchecked. to throw himself continually into tits of fury would lie so very unkind. TRY TO PI’LL TOGETHER. Apart from temper ami its inconsistencies and perversities, the saddest quarrels are those arising from incompatibility of disposition, ami a thorough want of harmony of judg meat. It must he trying to live constantly with someone of diametrically- opposed view's and tastes —one who has an irresistible desire to pull in another direction. Given no sympathy and less -tact, quarrels are bound to be; quarrels not to be healed—which begin, as it were, in the Tropics and end a.t the Antipodes, and by the time the fray is over husband and wife find there is a great gulf ti xed. Life is so short, and its trials are so many, we should strive with all our might and with all our natural human tendencies not to make it harder for one another, and to give up a good deal for peace, although it is impossible to pay any price for it. I used to stay a good deal in a large family where the children formed a long. strong feud between their parents. My host would make some half-serious accusation against one of them, which would touch some sensitive S|x>t in my hostess; whereupon a cloud, bigger than a man’s hand, would settle on her brow. Womanlike. she would feel compelled to return some cutting answer, which shg felt certain would “deny the allegation. and defy the allegator.” The answer did not cut. it stabbed. And after some stormy recrimination there would a dead calm for a day or two. or perhaps a week—a silence that at table could be felt. And the guest would fain depart, but was clutched imploringly by olive branches (oh, bow misnamed.'), and. out of pity, stayed to support them in their unmerited afflict ion. Now. the curious part of this quarrel was the eml. which was always the same. Repentance, melting tears, and a present, or some other outward and visible sign of the renewal of |M-ace. Why begin it when it was sure to end in precisely the same way? And yet God help us when our quarrels ever end in any other way! Ihe tear, the kiss, the deep sob of resolution that we will never quarrel any more, bring us a little nearer heaven. •'We fell out. my wife and I— Oh. we fell out. I know not why— And kissed again with tears. And blessing's on the falling out That all the more endears, When we fall out with those we love And kiss again with tears!"