WIT AND HUMOUR

Waikato Times, Volume 121, Issue 20230, 26 June 1937, Page 16 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

NOT TOUCHED. The boss rang for the office boy. “What’s become -of the olgarettes In the box on my desk?" he asked. “Haven't touched them, sir," replied the boy briskly. “Haven’t you? Why, there are only half a dozen there!” “Yes, sir. They are the one* I haven’t touched!" I WORKMANSHIP AND DISPATCH. A young man who had suddenly inherited a fortune deoided to learn how to oarry himself In society. He went to a sohool of deportment, and a bowing Frenchman begged him to enter. “Do you give lessons In deportment?" Inquired the young man. “The best, m’sleul" gushed the proprietor. “My system ees perfeot. Two weeks a young man—like yon, m'sieu, he take only three of my lessons In deportment—and yesterday he was deported.” A SAMENESS. A very methodioal Sootsman staying at a hotel used to read twenty pages of his book every day, recording his progress by a marker. A wag put the marker back twenty pages every night. At the end of a week they asked the reader how he liked his hook. He replied: “It’s a verra interesting book but there’s a certain amount of repetition in it." A HINT. A doctor and a dentist shared the services of a typist, and both fell In love with her. The dentist was called away on business, so he sent for the typist and said: "I’m going to be away for ten days. You’ll find a little present In your room." She went in, and found ten apples. THE WOMAN IN IT. The publisher turned from the bulky manuscript to regard the rising author reproachfully. “Look here, Mr Hlnky," he protested, “you promised me faithfully I that your next story would introduce , the female element. It helps the sale of a hook, and yet I’ve read all but. I lie last page of this story of yours without finding any mention of a girl.” “But you haven’t read far enough,” Ihe author pointed out. “You've got to where the villain is about to be executed for the murder, haven’t you?" “Yes, but— ’’ began the publisher. The author beamed with triumph. “Read on!” he commanded. “You’ll find ihat the executioner's a pretty girl with soulful eyes!"

ONE FOR THE BOOK MEN. “Before we were married," the better half said, “you always engaged a taxi when you took me anywhere. Now you seem to think the bus or tram Is good enough.” “No, my pet l" he replied, “I don’t think the bus or tram Is good enough for you! It’s beoause I’m so proud of you. In a taxi you would be seen by nobody save the driver, while I ona show you off to so many people by taking you In the tram or bus I" MANY OF US LIKE THAT. Billie, six, came home from sohool quite downcast. "What’s the trouble, Billie?" his mother asked. Billie’s reply was a question. “What makes a teacher ‘shook’ a little boy?” “Why, because he’s disobedient, 1 suppose.” Then, “Billie, did the teacher shake you?” “Yes.” “What were you doing?” “She told me to sing louder—and I oouldn’t.” “But what did you do after *he shook you?" “I sung louder." THE CORKED BOTTLE. Simpson had been an abstainer for 20 years, but fell from the ways of grace. Feeling the need of recuperation, he sent his boy for a bottle of whisky. "But," said the hotel proprietor, “who’s It for?" “For father," said the hoy. “Nonsense! Y'our father’s been a teetotaller for longer years than you’ve lived.” “Well, at all events, he sent me for it.” “What does he want It for?" “To let you into a secret,’’ said the hoy,” he’s going fishing, and he wants to use the cork for a float.” SLOWED DOWN. The oldest Inhabitant had reached his ninetieth birthday, and to celebrate It he decided to walk from his home to the town In which he had been born —a distance of some 40 miles. The local newspapers found out about this, and followed the walk with great enthusiasm. As the old man arrived at his destination he was met by reporters, photographers and newsreel men, who proceeded to Interview him. “Well," they asked him, “how did you get along?" “Fine I” said the ninety-year-old. “Fine! That is, until 1 came to the last town but one." "And what happened there?" they queried. “Well," came the reply, “there’s a notice there which says ‘Speed Limit 20 m.p.h.’ That slowed me down a

“ CADS 1" One warm June afternoon an Oxford professor was hurrying along a street when a friend met him. The latter asked what was the hurry and why the cap and gown. "I’m on my way to lecture," said the professor. “What? At half-past two on a summer afternoon?" "Why, yes," was the reply. "I always lecture then; It keeps the young rotters away ”

SIMPLE ENOUGH. Brown: Your wife Is a very ey* tematlc woman. Isn’t she? Jones: Yes, very. She works on the theory that you can find whalevei you want when you don’t want It bj looking where it wouldn't be If you did want it.