WIT AID HUMOUR

Waikato Times, Volume 117, Issue 19545, 6 April 1935, Page 14 (Supplement)

WIT AID HUMOUR

UNDERPAID. “Are Referees Underpaid?” asks a headline. They certainly -have to “whistle" for their money. FROM HEAD TO FOOT. I Dentist: And you, my Food man, what are you suffering from? Patient: 'Head to foot. .’ ft NO SUBJECT NEEDED. “My wife can talk for hours on any ■subject.” “My wife doesn’t need any subject." HOLDING A PARASITE. The schoolboy wrote: “The airman ■saved his life by jumping to earth holding a parasite.” r THE CARETAKER. “Who Is the agent for this block of ■flats?” asked the prospective tenant. "I have the power to let -them, ma’am," said the man lounging In the doorway. “Are the rents reasonable, my man?” she asked. He nodded. “What sort of caretaker have you?" “An excellent one, ma’am.” “Is lie polite, careful, and attentive?” “Yes, ma’arn." *• “And honest? -Does he ever steal anything from the parcels 'of goods left In his charge by the tenants?” “Never, ma’am. A politer, more -attentive, more honest man never ■lived.”

“I’m very pleased to hear that Where is tills man now?” “I’m him, ma’am."

THE FOOT NURSE. “I say, doctor,” called out Pat, sitting up in his bed in the .ward, “have I done something wrong? I asked that nurse going down there to put a hotwater bottle under my feet, and she just stuck up her nose and. walked away. “Well, what else could ■ you expect?” replied the doctor curtly. “She is the head nurse.” Pat looked stunned.. “Bejabers," he exclaimed, “do they specialise as much as that? How’ll I be able to tell the foot nurse?” A FORMAL INVITATION. A lit tic knot of people stood on the wind-swept shore gazing towards the ship that was sending up signals of distress. One of them, an old lady, was becoming very concerned. “But can't something be done for them?” she asked a nearby life-saving official. “Yes, madam,” he replied, “It will be quite all right. We'll send a line for the crew to come ashore.” "Good gracious!” she exclaimed. "Must they have a formal invitation first?”

this abandoned 30 years ago at Cwmavon. Glamorgan, owing to flood; peril, have now revealed an appar-| enliy unlimited supply of best steam , coal. }

FACE .LIFTING. “What Will a face-lifting operation cost me?"'she asked the specialist. "About a hundred pounds,” he Informed her. She looked crestfallen. i’That’s too muoh money," she replied. “Isn’t there something less expensive I could try?" “Well, you might .try wearing & veil,” he brutally responded. SOMETHING UNUSUAL. The Christmas guest was being shown to his bed in the haunted room by his host's faithful'hut rather -sini-ster-looking 'retainer. At the door of the room they paused. “B-b-by (lie way," said the guest, “has anything—er—unusual ever happened in connection with this room?" “Not for over fifty years, sir,” said the servant hollowly. “And what happened then?" asked the guest with a sigh of relief. “A gentleman who spent the night here appeared at breakfast the next morning,” came the reply. TIME WASTED. The bachelor called at his laundry, determined to give them a piece of his mind. "Look here," he said sternly, “what's the idea of charging me twopence extra for each shirt cuff?” “Because you make pencil notes on them,” said the manageress. "And' why should that make all the difference?" he asked, puzzled. “The girls waste so much time trying to read them,” came the reply.

THEY WERE SCOTCH. “I’ve Just heard 'that there was a big smash-and-grab raid at Briggs’, the jeweller’s, yesterday," said Wilson. Ills companion grimaced. “And did they get away with it?” he asked. Wilson shook his head. “No,” lie replied. “Apparently the bandits were Scots. They were arrested when they came back for the brick.” WHAT TO AVOID. 4 The bishop was visiting the woollier and more western portion of his diocese, in .the States', and on arrival at his destination was met by a prominent church official, who, in Ills business capacity, was the principal bootlegger of the district. After an exchange of greetings, the bishop remarked: "is there any special subject you can suggest on which I could base my address?” “Wat, bishop," replied llie worthy Bangs, .“you must remember tills is a ‘lough’ town, and if you want a quiet religious meeting to-morrow, don’t say 100 much about the Ten Commandments." FAMILY INFLUENCE. The solicitor had conducted a case for his client, and the client was called upon to pay his fees. “Mow much do I owe you?" he asked. "Your fat her and r were old friends.” said Hie solicitor. “Let’s say 17>0.”

“Well.” said Hie client, as lie handed over the money, "I’m glad you didn't kuow my grandfather.”

OF COURSE HE WOULD. The beggar stood in a Berlin street, holding In his hand a hat to which was pinned a large card with the words: “I accept no . money from Jews.” Coins went Into the hat all day long, and In the evening, when he was a'bout to depart, well pleased with the success of his ruse, a little Jew came up to him and said in a trembling voice: “Would you not accept a mark from me?" “That I would," said the beggar pocketing the coin. “I’m a Jew myself I" THE DIFFERENCE. “The difference between the cow and the milkman,” sneered the angry, customer, is that the cow gives milk.,” j “Ay,” said the milkman.- “An- | other difference is that Hie cow doesn’t give credit.” ON TOP. The old lady at the Zoo was much interested In the storks, which were at the time asleep, each standing on one leg. "What be them things?” she said to the keeper. "Storks, mum,” he replied. “Aye,” she replied, “I can see that, but what be them things on top?”

A SLIGHT MISTAKE. The minister was leaving the parish. A farewell meeting of the congregalon was held, and lie was presented with a suitbale token of their affection and esteem. Unfortunately, the office-hearer who made the presentation said: “We have muoh pleasure in giving you a wee bit of a momentum!"