“MONEY FOR NOTHNG"

Waikato Times, Volume 116, Issue 19313, 20 July 1934, Page 8

“MONEY FOR NOTHNG"

By P. G. WODEHOUSE.

SYNOPSIS. The Carmody heirlooms had been stolen, by arrangement with the owner. He had intended selling them secretly to Thos. G. Mollov, an American pseudo-millionaire. Molloy and ills wife, Dolly (posing as his daughter), had intended to double-cross Carmody; but Mr. Lester had found them out and had had the “stolen" goods deposited at a left-luggage office at Birmingham. Mr. Carmody's nephew, .John Carroll, little knowing what it meant, had possession of the ticket. And he was imprisoned at Jiealthward 110, an establishment kept by Dr. “Chimp’ Twist, a confederate of Molloys. Molloy found this out and set off for Jiealthward Ho by bicycle; while John was commanding unavailing that Ser-geant-major Flannery. Twist’s assistant, should release him The ser-geant-major pointed out that John was there for is own good by order of “the young lady.”

CHAPTER XVII. — (Continued.) The progress of Mr Mollov across the threshold of Chirnp Twist’s study bore a striking resemblance to that ot some spent runner breasting the tape at the conclusion of a more Ilian usually gruelling Marathon race. ■His hair was disordered, his face streaked with dust and heat, and his legs acted so independently of his body that they gave him an odd appearance of moving in several directions at once. An unbiassed observer, seeing him, could not but have felt a pang of pity for this wreck of what had once, apparently, been a fine, upstanding man. Chimp was not an unbiassed observer. He did not pity his old business partner. Judging from a first j glance, Soapy Molloy seemed to have been caught in some sore of cachinery and subsequently run over by several motor lorries, and Chimp was glad of it. He would have liked to seek out the man in charge of that nachinery and the drivers of those lorries and reward them handsomely. . "So here you arc!’’ he said. Mr Molloy, navigating cautiously, backed and sidled in the direction of the armchair. Reaching it after considerable diifloulty, he gripped its sides and lowered himself with infinite '.weariness. A sharp exclamation escaped him as he touched the cushions. Then, sinking back, he closed his eyes and immediately went to sleep. v Chimp gazed down at him, seething with a resentment that made his head ache worse than ever. Stooping down, he gripped his old friend by his luxuriant hair and waggled his heard smartly from side to side several times. The treatment proved effective. Soapy.sat up. ‘-‘Eh?’’ he said, blinking. ‘‘What do you mean-, eh?” "Which? Why? Where am I?" “I’ll tell you where you are.” "Oh!” said Mr Molloy, intelligence returning. He sank back among the cushions again. Now that the first agony of contact was over, he was finding their softness delightful. -In the matter of seats, a man who has ridden twenty miles on an elderly push-bicycle becomes an exacting critic. "Gee! I feel bad!” he murmured. It was a natural remark, perhaps, for a man in his condition to make, but it had the effect of adding several degrees Fahrenheit to his companion’s already impressive warmth. For some moments Chimp Twist, wrestling with his emotion, could find no form of self-expression beyond a curious spluttering noise. At last—- " And how r about what I feel like?” shrilled Mr Twist, quivering with self-pity. “A nice thing that was that wife of yours did to me! Slipping stuff into my high-ball that laid me out cold. Is that any way to behave? Is that a system?" Air Molloy considered the point. "The madam is a little impulsive,” he admitted. “And leaving me lying there and putting, a lily in my hand I” “That was her playfulness,” explained Mr Molloy. "Girls will have their bit of fun.” “Fun! Say ” ■Mr Molloy felt that It was time to point the moral. "It was your fault, Chimpie. You brought it on yourself- by acting greedy and trying to get the earth. If you hadn’t of stood us up for that sixty-five thirty-five of yours all this would never have happened. Nature ally no high-spirited girl like the madam wasn’t going to stand for nothing like that. But listen while I tell you what I’ve come about. If you’re willing to can all .that stuff and have a fresh deal and a square one this time—one third jo mo, one third to j you, and one-third to llio madam — I’ll put you hep to something that’ll make you feel good. Yes, sir, you’ll go singing about the ho-use." “The only thing you could tell me I hat would make me feel good,” replied Chimp churlishly, “would he that, you’d tumbled off of that bicycle of yours and broken your damned neck." "Well, putting that on one side," said Mr Molloy, wisely forbearing to argue, “let me felt you what, I’ve come here about. Chimpie, that guv Carmody has double-crossed us. He was on to us from the start. "What 1” sir. I had it from his own iips in person. And do you know what, he done? Me look that stuff out or the closet and sent his chauffeur over In Birmingham- to put it in the left luggage place at. the depot there ’’ j "What!” j “Yes sir.” [ flee I said Mr Twist, impressed. | “That was smooth. Then you haven't ! got It. do you mean." i “No, I haven’t got it." ; Mr Twist had never expecled to feel | anything in the nature of elation that day or for many days to come, hut at these words something like ecstasy came upon him. He uttered a delighted laugh, which, owing to sudden agony in (he head, changed to a 1 muffled howl. " j “So. after all your smartness,” lie ! said, removing his hands from his temples as the spasm passed, “you're j no better off than wtinl, I am?" “We’re both silling pretty, Chimpie, j if we get. together and act. quick.” "Mow's that? Act how?” "i’ll tell you. This chauffeur guy j left the sluff and brought home llm 1 ticket " ‘“And gave it In old man Cannody, T suppose? Well, where does that get us?” “No, sir! Me didn't, give it to old man Cannody. lio gavo it to that

The Funniest Story by the World’s Leading Humorist.

young Carroll fellow!’ said Molloy. i The significance of the informatlo : was not lost upon Chimp. He stare i j at Mr. Mollov. |» “ Carroll? ” he said. “ You mea I the bird upstairs? ” I “Ts he upstairs ” i “Sure he’s upstairs. Locked in ! I room with bars on the window. You'r j certain he has the ticket?’’ i i “I know he has. So all we’ve gc to do now is get it off him.’’ “That’s all?’’' “ That’s all." “And how,” inquired Chimp, “d you propose to do it?" Mr Mollov made no immediate re ply. The question was one which, i the intervals of dodging the pedal 1 of his bicycle, he had been askip himself ever since he had lefl Rudg Hall, lie had hoped that in (lie cn llmsiasm of Ihc moment some spoil laneous solution would leap from hi old friend’s lips, but it was plaii that this was not to be. “ I I hough! maybe you would thin of a way, Chimpie,” he was compcllei to confess. “Oh? Ale, eh?" “ You’re smart,’’ said Mr Moilo; deferentially. •You’ve got a head ■Whatever anyone’s said about you, m one’s ever denied that. You’ll thin! of a way." “I will, will I? And while I’m do ing it, you’ll just sit back, I suppose and have a nice rest? And all you’n suggesting that I’m to get out of it—’ “Now, Chimpie!” quavered Mr Molloy. He had feared this development “Is a measly one third. Say, 1c me tell you—” “Now, Chimpie," urged Mr Molloy with unshed_Jears in his voice, “let’s not start all that over again. Wc settled the terms. Gentleman’s agreement. It’s all 'fixed." “Is it? Come down out of the clouds, you’re scaring the birds AVhat I want now, if I’m going to dc all the work and help you out of a tough spot, is seventy-thirty.” “Seventy-thirty I’’ echoed Mr Molloy appalled. “ And if you don’t like it let’s hear you suggest a way of getting that ticket off that' guy upstairs. Maybe you’d like to go up and have a talk with him? If he's feeling anything like the way I felt when I came to after those kayo drops of yours, he’ll be glad to see you. What does it mater to you if he pulls your head off and drops it out of the window? You can only live once anyway!” Mr Molloy gazed dismally before him. Never a very inventive man. his bicycle/ride had left him even less capable of inspiration than usual. He had to admit himself totally lacking in anything resembling a constructive plan of campaign. He yearned for his dear wife's gentle presence. Dolly was the bright one of the family. In a crisis like this she would have been full of ideas, each one a crackerjack. “We can’t keep him locked up in that room for ever," lie said unhappily. “Wo don’t have to—not if you agree to my seventy-thirty.” “ Have you thought of a way. then?” “Sure I’ve thought of a way.” Mr Molloy’s depression became mere marked than ever. Tie knew what this meant. The moment he gave up the riddle, that miserable little Chimp would come out with some scheme which had been staring him in the face all along, if only he had had the intelligence to see it. “Well"” said Chimp. “Think quick. And remember thirty’s better than nothing. And don’t say. when I’ve told you, that it’s just the idea you’ve had yourself from the stirt.” Mr. Molloy urged Ids weary brain to one last spurt of activity, but without result. He was a specialist. He could sell shares in phantom oilwel'.s belter than anybody on either side of the Atlantic, but there lie' stoppod. Outside his speciality lie was almost a total loss. “All right, Chimpie,’ ’lie sighed, facing the Inevitable. “ Seventy-thirty ?” “ Seventy-thirty. Though how I’m to break it to the madam, I don’t know. She won’t like it, Chimpie. It’ll be a nasty blow for the madam.” "I bope it chokes her,” 6aid Clump unchivalrously. “ller and her lilies 1 well, then. Here’s what to do. When Flannery takes the guy his colTec and eggs to-morrow, there’ll be some of those kayo drops of yours. And then all we have to do is just simply walk upslairs and dig the tickel out of his clothes and there wc are." Mr Molloy uttered an agonised cry. His presentiment had been correct. I "I'd have thought of that myself I—" lie wailed. • “Sure you would,” replied Chimp j comfortably, “if you'd of had somcj thing that wasn’t a hubbanl squash j or something where your head ought to be. Those jusl-as-good imitation ' heads never pay in tho long run. What. I you ought to do is sell yours for what it’ll fetch and get a new one. And I next time.” said Chimp, “make it a prettier one.” The dawn of what promised to be an eventful day broke greyly over llcalthward Ho. By seven o’clock, ! however, the sun had forced its way j through I lie mists, and at eight precisely one or its rays, stealing in at an upper window, fell upon 'Sergeantmajor Fl,incry, lovely in sleep. II'; grunted, opened bis eyes, and, realising that another morning had arrived with all ils manifold tasks and responsibilities, heaved himself out. of bed, mill after a few soldierly leiiiug-up exercises began tiis simple toilet, ’lliis completed, lie made 1 1 is way to Hie kitchen, where a fragrant smell of bacon and coflcc announced that breakfast awaited him. (To be Continued.)