WIT AND HUMOUR

Waikato Times, Volume 112, Issue 18809, 3 December 1932, Page 14 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

not what he meant. A Bishop was condemning the use of cosmetics by girls. “The more experience I have of lipstick,’ he deelaretl warmly, “the more distasteful 1 lind it." WIIAT ALED HIM. Visitor: Where’s your father?” Boy: “He's gone out.” Visitor: “Dear me, what ails him —the call of the wild, eh?” Boy: “No. 1 think it’s the call of the mild.” DON’T WE ALL? George: “I say, what exactly is the Order of the Bath?” Fred: “Well, as far as I have cx-> pcrienced it, it’s this: First of all the water's too hot, then it’s 100 cold; then you’re short of a towel; then you step on the soap, and then the telephone hell rings." LINDER NEW MANAGEMENT. “Is it true Dial poor old Bill lias married again?” I "Yes. lie's under entirely new | | management.” I AMBIGUOUS. I At a lecture for men the speaker t sla led 11 i:i I I lie average wile needed ! he r husband's aid in I lie home. "I always help m> wile, lie said. ; "When she limps up tin- Ilnur, I mop j no llm ihair with her.” j Vial In: wondered wily Ihe audience j 1 laughed. ,

OF COURSE NOT. A woman was having the top room of her house painted, and was under the impression the painter was not making the progress he might. Listening at the foot of the stairs she couldn't hear a sound. “Painter," she shouted, “are you working?” “Yes, ma’am,” came the reply. “1 can’t hear you.” “I’m not putting it on with a hammer,” lie said. WIRELESS CONTROL. Neighbour: “How many controls are there on your wireless set?" Owner: “Three —rny mother-in-law, my wife, and my daughter." FIGURE IT OUT. “If I place my money in the savings bank,” inquired a careful man, “when can i draw it out again?” “Oil," responded iiis friend, “sure an’ if you put it in to-day you can get i! out to-morrow by giving a fortnight's notice.” COMMISERATION NEE!TO. Fireman (after Hie outbreak): “If i! hadn't been for us, your shop would have gone up in smoke.” Jew: “Yy rub il in?" A COMEDY OF ERRORS. Jones, in response to the tinkling of 11 1 c telephone, lifted Die receiver. "Is Ibal miii. darling " be as«cd sweet I . A harsh \oirc at Ihc oilier end replied; “.No, its not; it's four wife”’

SUCCESSFUL. Banks: “I hear that your wife faai had her face lifted, and her grey hair made golden.” Jinks (sadly): “That Is so. Now she calls me ‘dad,’ and my boy refer* to her as ‘Our Floss.’ ’’ NOT THE RIGHT KIND I 9 ‘ Minister (engaging gardener): “Have you any religious views?” Gardener: “No, sir, but I’ve got sonic snapshots Look at Blackpool last year. BETWEEN GENTLEMEN. First Cockney: “ ‘Yes,’ I says to ’im, ‘you’re a low down, dirty pig* sir,* 1 sez.” Second: “Wot! Did you say ‘sir?’’’ First: “Well, civTlity costs nullin’, do it?” SAFER. "You must have had many romantic adventures and narrow escapes In your seafaring life?” “Ye see, 1 don’t go roving ashore like most of the crew. 1 plays safe and sticks to the ship.” THE PRACTICAL DEFINITION. “What do they mean by the ‘witching hour' “linn'i you know? Thai’s the hour wiieri Hie wife greets you with ‘Which si ory is it Ibis 1 hue?’ ” TRUTHFUL. .Mother: "Johnnie! have you been eating Close laris - '” .lobmiio: "No. nuim.” Moiiier: “Why, llmro arc some niis-mg 1“ •loimmo: "i >•>. I’ve only eaten LhujC Unit are missing.”