WIT AND HUMOUR

Waikato Times, Volume 107, Issue 18004, 26 April 1930, Page 14 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

He: "Does you poor sister still suffer from kleptomania?” She: "Not now; we won first prize in a consultation.” SO. Tommy: "Have you noticed, dad, how often mother says ‘And so on, and so on?’ ” His Father (sadly) : "Yes, my son; but it never applies to buttons.” INCOMPATIBILITY OF MUSIC. "Do you know the name of that song?” “Do you mean the one the woman was singing, or the one her accompanist was playing?" SATISFIED. "Well,” said the penniless optimist, “I’ve been a jolly success as a failure.” CAREFUL. "I want a careful chauffeur—one who doesn't take any risks.” "I’m your man, sir; I always' ask for my salary in advance.” THE AUDIENCE SAW TO THAT. “How long has he been on the stage?” “Never more than two minutes.” SHOCKING. Shopman: “A present for your wife, sir? Something electrical, perhaps?" The Worm: “Yes, that’s not a bad idea. Eh —have you any electric chairs?"

VALUE OP REFORM. “You stopped smoking because she asked you to?” was the question put to a solemn-looking man. "Yes.” “And you stopped swearing because she asked you to?” "Yes.” “And you stopped drinking because she asked you to?” “Yes.” “And you gave up your card parties and went into serious society for the same reason?” “Yes, yes, yes." ’ “And yet you never married her?” “Weil, you see, after I’d reformed like that I found I could do better.” EASIER NOWADAYS. “It took thousands of years to build the pyramids." “Yes," said the movie carpenter, “and I've got to duplicate the job for next week’s 111 ml"

r GIVE HIM TIME. “Do you know the' population ol' 3 Melbourne?” “Not all of them, teacher; we’ve only lived here two years." THE GREAT QUESTION. 5 Temperance Orator; “Some advocate moderation; others demand prohibi-. ; tion. What, I ask you, is the great drink question?" A Voice: “What’ll you have?” A BARGAIN. Tramp: “Gimme a penny for my ■ wife." Professor (absently) : “I regret I must decline. The price is undoubtedly low, but I a-lready possess one.” BROUGHT RESULTS. First Jeweller: “I have had it proved to me that advertising brings results.” Second Jeweller: “How?” First Jeweller: “Yesterday evening I advertised for a watchman, and during the night my shop- was ransacked by burglars.” A SHORT COMMANDMENT.. A teacher had been telling the infants’ class about the Ten Commandments. In order to test their memory she asked—- “ Can anyone give me a command ■ ment containing only four words?” A hand was raised immediately. “Well?” said the teacher. “Keep off the grass,” said the youngster. SOMETHING LIKE IT. “What do you call this pudding, waiter?” “Tapioca, sir.” “Oh, I though it was mediocre.”

NOT ENCOURAGING HIM. She had parked her car in front of a Are hydrant for two hours. A policeman was waiting for her. Policeman: “I have waited for you for hours. What is your name?” She; “It wouldn’t do you any good if 1 told you. You look a nice boy, but my husband is about twice your size, and very jealous.” TOO MUCH PEP. “I’m afraid,” said mother thoughtfully, “w r e shall have to stop giving Dick that tonic the doctor sent for him.” “Why?” asked father anxiously. “Isn’t, it doing him any good?” "Well, he slid down the banisters ten times this morning, broke a lamp, two vases, and a jug, and kicked a football through the kitchen window, and I don’t feel I can stand much more.”

BREAKING IT GENTLY. Here is an instance of the difficulty the uneducated negro has in saying what he means directly— A man ordered eggs for breakfast in a hotel in the States. “Boss," said the coloured waiter “mebbe you better tak’ something else. I would not care to reckermend de eigs dis mornin’.” - “Why not?" asked the white man. “Aren’t they fresh?” “I don’t know ef they is or cf they ain’t, ’cause, to tell you dc truff, we ain’t got none,” was the astonishing reply.

HOW HE DESCRIBED HIM. Guest (angry at being kept waiting at the station): “So you couldn’t find me, eh? Didn’t your master describe rnc ?” Chauffeur: “Yes, sir: but iherc were several bajd-headed old buffers.”

NATURALLY. Wife: “I’m afraid, Harold, you do not love me any more—at least, not so much as you used to.” Husband: “Why?” Wife: “Because you always let me get up to light the lire now." Husband: “Nonsense, my dear. Your getting up to light the lire makes me love you all the more.”

A SOURCE OF ANNOYANCE. An old lady who took a great interest in municipal matters was walking over a golf course and, noticed the bunkers here and there. She wrote to the Town Council asking why they didn’t engage a number of the unemployed to All in the many holes on the course, which , caused the players so much annoyance and induced so much bad language.