Wit and Humour

Waikato Times, Volume 105, Issue 17750, 29 June 1929, Page 14 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour

Mistress: “Bridget, this is the, third

time I’ve had to tell you to put the finger-bowls on the .table. Didn’t the lady you last worked for have them on the, table?”

New Maid: “No, mum; her friends always washed their hands before they came.” e** * * “I wonder what your mother will say when she hears you're engaged.” “She’ll be delighted—as usual.”

• * • a A' Mrs Hogg: "Why doesn’t'your husband apply for a job when he sees one ! vacant? e-He has been out of work for a long time.” Mrs Mogg: "Yes; but he Is afraid of not getting it—the disappointment would be too great.” '

LACK OF ENERGY. A worried-looking man drove up to the doctor’s surgery. “I am Farmer Hayseed," he told the medical man, “and I’d like you to have a look at my wife.” “Is she all?” asked the doctor. “Not exactly." “Well, what’s the trouble, then?" “This morning,” began the farmer, “she got up at the usual time, four o’clock, milked the cows, got breakfast for the hands, done her housework, churned the butter, and along about ten o’clock says she felt a little tired. So I thought mebbe she wanted a tonic or something, doctor.”

FALSE HOPES. He: Are ye fond of moving pictures, Jeanie? She (hopefully) : Ay, Sandy. He: Then maybe, lass, ye'll help me get half a dozen doon out o’ the attic.

Friend: “Where are you going so hurriedly?” Tailor: To the dentist.” Friend: “And yet you are smiling!’’ Tailor: "Yes; I am to measure him for a suit.” * * • * HOW SOON? Wife (during quarrel) : You’re becoming absolutely unbearable, It will soon be impossible to live with you. Husband.,.^hopefully); How soon? —rr OPPORTUNE. Busy Man: I really cannot see you. Traveller (eagerly) : Then I'm the very man you want, sir. I'm selling spectacles I

A SIMPLE SOLUTION. An angler had a four hours’ tussle with a huge salmon before he was able to land It. When at length he had made sure of his catch, he took it home and related his triumph to his maiden aunt. He made as much of his adventure as possible, and laid special stress on the time it took and the immense energy he had to expend before he could secure the salmon.

When he had finished he waited anxiously for praise. For some moments there was silence, his aunt looked up from her knitting. “But, my dear Arthur,” she said, “why didn’t you cut the string and get rid of the brute?”

YUM, YUM! Ship-wrecked Sailor (to only other survivor on desert island) : Why docs that big cannibal look at us so intently? Cheerful Companion: Oh, I suppose lie is the food inspector I

Small Child (in smallgoods shop) : “Mother wants a pig’s trotter, please. She says, not a little one like you gave me last time, but one with the gout, if you’ve got it.” 0 * * * Doctor: “Give up smoking.” Patient “I don’t smoke.” Dootor: “Well, give up coffee.” Patient “Never touch it.” Doctor: “Oh, well, give up & guinea.” * • m m Mistress: “Did I hear you break something in the kitchen just now?’ Servant (with some emotion): “Yes, mum—my (sniff) engagement with the milkman.” 0 0 0 0 Celebrated Specialist: “I can assure you, Madam, there is nothing wrong with you.” Celebrated Actress: “But there must be. I’ve already informed my press agent.’ a • • • Customer: “You say on your board outside that you make the finest pastry in the town, and you supply clubs.” Confectioner: “Yes, sir.” Customer: “Well, give me a club H to break this rock-cake I bought from you.” * * * • A crowd were telling tall tales. The anecdotes were becoming more and more incredible, and at last only t\vo raconteurs v.ere left. Said the American “When I ’-„ft New York last month a fellow dived in off the harbour and followed tho liner all the way over, arriving in Southampton five minutes ahead of us.” And the last man said, with a nod, “He’s quite right. It was me.” 0 • • • . A traveller calling upon a customer handed him a photograph of his fiancee instead of his business card. “I have the honour to represent this establishment,” he said proudly. The business man looked at the photograph with interest. “I hope you will soon be made a partner,” he observed. • * • 0 A woman troubled with nightmare, md who frequently cried out in • her deep, was advised by her doctor to live with a cheerful family, in order that her nerves might improve. She accordingly advertised for a mom with “a family who would not jbjcct to screaming in the night,” She received several answers, and imong them was one which asked: ‘How often would you require us to ” icrcam?” « * * « Young Husband: “I did not marry ’ou for your money, you know—rather , n spile of it. Money does not make inppiness. In fact, the less money tho nore happiness.” Young Wife: “Then, darling, wa ihall be wonderfully happy. Daddf vent bankrupt yesterday.”