Wit and Humour

Waikato Times, Volume 104, Issue 17574, 1 December 1928, Page 14 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour

Woman's organ of speech is not perfect; It has no stops. • « • • It wasn't her mistress who blew up the servant who lighted the Are with petrol. t

MISUNDERSTOOD. Mr Honeymoon: "Sweetheart, your lips arc like rubies, and your cheeks remind me of roses!" Mrs Honeymoon: Oh, you heartless bigamist,! Go back to your Ruby and your Rose! VERY SAD. i Tim: Sarah Smith —you know 'er, j Bill's missus—she throwed herself orf I the end of the wharf last night. ' I Torn: Poor Sarah! . Tim: An' a cop Ashed 'or out again. 1 Tom: Poor Hi!! I j

A lasting impression is sometimes oi value, but not when a girl makes a fool of a man. • id * * It was not a slip when an engaged girl, asked who was the happy man, replied, "Father."

i Office Boy: "What's the matter, Miss Brown—hysterical?" Typist: "Not a bit. I'm Just practising my laugh fop the boss' golf Story."

NEW ONES. "Well, dear, was It nice at the Zoo, i and did you see all the animal.*"" "Not all, auntie, 'cos when we : came to a place where it said 'While j Horse' <ind 'Red Seal' daddy said I was to stay outside.' 1 ' COULD SHE? One very warm afternoon, an old lady who was visiting London, went to one of the swagger cinemas. I It was exceedingly stuffy inside, and i the old lady beckoned one of the i I attendants and asked: '•(Jan 1 hire:; one of your movie fans for a short while 2" li

If i GOOD IDEA, a "You must come and see my new r , I villa. All who have seen It are speech- ; less with admiration." " I "Er—may I bring my wife as j well?" •EVIDENCE. I Sergeant (to Pat, who is smoking ! the remains of a cigarette while on ! sentry-go) : Do you know that it is j a crime to smoke on d ity? Pat: Sure, it's rneself that knows :t, [sergeant, but I've just taktn i'. fr. % m : Mike Flaanagan, and I'm keeping it 1 alight to give evidence against him. HIS WAY. | Landlady: How do you lik-3 your egg boiled, young man? Lodger: With aaoUisr one, ma'am. WAT-ER TEST. The new barbor iiad cut him badly in» several places. "Give me a g'.-.ss of water, please, gasped the victim. "You arerr- going to faint. I hup*?" ?aid the barber in alarm. "No. I just want to sec if my mouth still holds water." I , ITHE EXPLANATION. "Please. Miss —Please excuse Teddy ■for being away from school yesterday as he had a pain in the -\.M. and it was raining in the P.M., and oblige.— Mrs Smith." HOT FOR GRANDMA. Asked to pray for warm weather so that her grandma's rheumatism might pass away, a five-year-old girl knelt ami said; —, ••Oti. Lord, please make it hot for srandma."

CAUGHT. V ;' - ; : Boarder: I found something in maroon- last night. s Landlady (indignantly) : Well, I'm sure you must have brought it with j you. Boa/der: PerhaDs you're right. It j was a pound note. i Mr P. Fenton, aged 85, of Bielby, I Yorkshire, was married recently for , the fifth time, his bride being a J middle-aged woman. I IMPOSSIBLE. Teacher (after a long lesson on bird* to infant class) : "Now, children, what can a canary do that we can't?" Small Boy: "Please, ma'am, dook in a sasscr." _————_ j THUNDER AND LIGHTNING. I Producer (during rehearsal of n storm) : "Where the dickens is the thunder?" Stage Hand: "He's just gone out to have a drink with the lightning." HE DIDN'T GO. i Wife (at 3 a.m.) : There's a—a burglar downstairs —get a light, i George, and go down at once! Husband (a quick thinker) : I'll go ' I straight down, my dear. It's pro--1 bably the girl-burglar who has been j robbing houses about bore—a sweetlooking thing who always kisses her \ way out of trouble when she gets j caught. I'll go down. Wife (sharply) : George, your place j lis with me! You stay here. i j Constable at Old Street: "This woman was very drunk, and when an omnibus passed she hurled a bottle of beer at th ('driver." Woman indignantly) : "Indeed I did nothing of the sort. It was an empty bottle. You cannot expect me to carry home, a bottle with nothing in it, can you?'' j i