Wit and Humour

Waikato Times, Volume 102, Issue 17242, 29 October 1927, Page 18 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour

EXAMINATION IN OPHTHALMICS. Examiner: “Why cannot windowglass be used for making glass-eyes?” Candidate: “For two reasons. First, because it’s square; and, secondly, because it is far too big.” w * * » FIDO, FIDO. Hobo: "Lady, I donft know where my next meal is coming from.” Woman of the House: “Well, this is no information bureau."

» e o « TWINS AND TONES. The twins were very much alike. But their father, a piano-tuner, had. his own way of identifying them.- He explained to the friend who was admiring them that he told the difference by pinching them. “Good heavens I You must not do that. You'll make them cry.” “Precisely,” replied the father; “that’s the whole secret. Listen. This one” —nip—“is evidently William. He cries on the high C. The other, James” —nip—“is half a tone lower.” * * • * SHE MUST FINISH IT. Doctor: “And, above all, no oereals." Patient: “But, doctor, you positively must let me finish the one I’m reading in the Waikato Times.” o » • « A SENSE OF HUMOUR. Green: “What is a sense of humour?” Brown: “A sense of humour is that which makes you laugh at something that happens to somebody else that would make you sorry if it happened to you.” .J HOW, INDEED? “But, my dear girl, don’t you know how old you are?” Daughter: “How do you expect me to remember my age when I change it eacli year?” THE ONLY WAY. “That’s a terrible noise in the nursery, Mollie," said the mistress. “What’s the matter? Can’t you keep the baby quiet?” “Shure, ma’am,” replied Mollie, “I can’L keep him quiet unless I let him make a noise.”

lIIS SARTORIAL SLIP. A certain tailor had a great desire to hear one of his wealthiest customers, a celebrated tenor, sing. So the tenor gave him a couple of tiokets for the opera. Meeting him a day or two later ho asked whether he had enjoyed the performance. "Oh, it was simply awful,” replied the tailor. “Awful! What do you mean?” “Your coat," the ■ other groaned, "was too tight under the arms.”

Props (to actor-manager): “You’ll have to cat the big scene where you light your cigarette with tho £I,OOO note. The tobacconist won’t supply another smoke till you’ve paid that fifteen bob.”

* * * * NEARLY OUT. A reporter was interviewing an actress, who was cuddling a tiny dog. “Is that your dog?” be asked. “It is,” she replied. “Is it the only dog you have?" “It is.” “Weil,” said the reporter, “all I can say it that you are darn near out of dogs.” O $ w <9 WHAT HE GOT. “What do you make a week?” asked a magistrate of an Italian organgrinder who was complaining of boys throwing stones at him. “Four pounds, sare.” “Eh, what? Four pounds for grinding an organ?” “No, sare; not for da grind—for to shut up and go away.” « * » « SHAPING WELL. Molly: “Daddy, what is the midnight sun?” Daddy: “Better ask your brother, my dear. He’s qualifying for the title. ’ IN DEMAND. Mistress: “From your references I see you’ve had four places in the last month.” Servant: “Yes’m; that shows how. much in demand I am.” w a © e THE TWO METHODS. — zzasssnnF" Two rich financiers, both ui had sent their wives to have a holiday at the seaside, met in a restaurant and talked over their affairs. “It’s funny,” said one, “each week I send a large sum to my wife and she never answers me.” , “Mine is different,” said the other. “I write to her eacli week: ‘I am enclosing three thousand francs,’ and she replies by return of post.” “It’s extraordinary." “Yes, hut I should tell you I always forget to enclose the notes.”