WIT AND HUMOUR

Waikato Times, Volume 101, Issue 16946, 6 November 1926, Page 16 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

TS.e less a man things, the more he talks.

» 9 W U Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none. He that can travel well afoot keeps a good horse. If adversity hath killed his thousands, prosperity hath killed his ten thousands. If Scotland’s_ climate makes Scotsmen able to stand anything, why don’t they? Applicant for Situation: “I’ve come about that job wot was advertised.” Employer: “Well, can you do the work?” Applicant: “Work! I thought it was a foreman you wanted 1” MOST UNUSUAL. Smith: “We had a sensational rase of kidnapping in our house lately.” .Tones: “Really, how did it happen?” Smith: "The baby slept the whole night." THE RUIN. Mr Smyth called on her doctor. “Is it true, doctor, that cigarettes ruin women’s complexions?” Doctor: “Well, smoke, you know, is always hard on paint.” * » » a NOT GUILTY. Air Force Man: “Do you know anything about au aeroplane which dropped near here?” Urchin (holding a catapult, and trembling)-: “No, sir. I’ve only been shooting sparrows.”

DRARHA BY THE SEA. Impecunious Hero (after thrilling rescue) : “Good heavens! My tailor!*

COMMON “VERSE.” Mabel: “With what verses are-you most familiar?” Poet: “Reverses.” 1 A BAD FIT. Mary: “Do you think it would be conceited for me to tell my friends that I made this dress myself?” Edith: “Not conceited, my dear — superfluous." MISUNDERSTOOD. ! The waiter was taking the order of a pretty girl, who was accompanied by a florid, podgy, middle-aged man. '“And what about the lobster?" the waiter inquired. “Oh, lie can order whatever he ! likes,” came the startling reply.” " TOO MUCH FOR HIM. j Elevator Boy (to fat old lady): i “Going up, mum?” | Old Lady: “Yes, but sates alive, a 1 little boy like you can’t puLl me up ; in that thing!”

j NO TRAGEDY. ! The would-be-funny boarder read lan account of how a girl fell over ! forty feet without killing herself. Practical Ditto: “Good gracious! How did site do it?” The Would-be-funny Boarder: i “Tried to get out of a tram with ex- ; actly twenty men in it.” NOT THE MISTRESS. Mrs Brown was in the kitchen, helping Nora, the cook, prepare supper.. j "It’s an old saying,” she remarked i to Nora, “that ‘too many cooks spoil the broth.’ What do you think?” “Sure, ma’am,” she replied, I “there’s only wan cook here.” THE ONLY WAY. “Bessie,” said Adolphus, to his sister, “I have taken a fancy to a young lady with whom I am but slightly acquainted, and would Like to know what her faults are. How cau !l ihnl out?” j “Praise her to her young lady acj quaintanees,” said Bessie. MISSING. A bachelor, in sending his weekly bundle to the washerwoman, enclosed a note: —“Please darn socks, and debit.” When the washing was returned, the socks were found to be darned, but underneath the not was written: “Sorry. 1 could ilml no debit in your parcel." SANDY’S AILMENT. A Scotsman who frequently stayed away from work was told by his employer to produce a doctor’s eertificute the next time lie was absent. He did so, but the doctor, knowing his j ! man, had drawn a line through the j word ailment.” “What's Ibis?” asked the cmployI cr. “No ailment?” i “Man,” said the Scotsman, “dae ye •no see, I've had a slight stroke?”

Take away the motive, and you ! take away the sin. j The greatest homage we can pay to truth is to use it. To be trusted is a greater compli- ! ! ment Ilian to he loved. i Greater is lie who conquers himself than lie who conquers a thousand. i • • * • f i If thou hast understanding, answer : thy neighbour; if not, lay thy hand i upon thy mouth. { A MATTER OF PERCENTAGE. I ! Mr Issacestein (to school teacher) ji ; “llow vas dat leetle Jacob getting on 1 at arithmetic?” ; School Teacher: “He is doing i nicely, sir. He is in percentage now." ) Mr Isaacstein; “Vas dat so?. Veil ; don’t you teach him noddings less dan ' von hundred per cent. He vas too young yet to study very hard." j SHORT LEGS, j Mr Wise: “Johnny, can you tell me why the little hand on my watch goes faster than the big one?” I Johnny (after mature reflection): ' | “Papa, isn’t it for the same reason i | that I have to run when I go walking ; with you?” ALL THE ANIMALS, i “Come with me to the Zoo?” j "No thank you; I’ll stay at home. ! My eldest daughter does the kanga- ' roo walk, my second daughter talks like a parrot, my son laughs like a hyena, my wife watches me like a > hawk, my cook is as cross as a bear* ' and my mother-in-law says I’m an old gorilla. When I go anywhere I want a change.”

CROWNING HIM.

He: “The hand that rocks ttwj cradle rules the world.’’ She: “Then suppose you rule thf world for a while, I’m tired.’ 1 A STRANGE CONSEQUENCE. “The human anatomy Is a wonder* ful bit of mechanism.” “Yes, pat one kind of man on the hack, and you’ll make his head swell.” THE OTHER KIND. Mrs Younghride: “Jack, those A banks are frauds. Didn’t you tell me I that they would lend money on : notes?” Husband: “Certainly, dear.” i Mrs Youngbride: “Well, they won’t. I took those lovely ones you wroto to me before we were married, and the cashier read them and laughed, but he wouldn’t let me have a penny on them.” j * * » * ! j ■! ,11 BLAME YOURSELF, ’'' J Grocer (harshly): “How about that bill?” The Man: “I sent my wife ovei; with the money.” Grocer: “She never came here, sir.” The Man: “Well, that’s what you get for running a grocer’s shop nest to a milliner’s.” NOT TO BE THOUGHT OF. | Y Shopgirl: “Congratulate me, mother. I’ve just been offered a good job as a window-dresser.” Dubious Mother: “But, surely, dear, you wouldn’t do a thing like that in a window!" SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT. | Mr Brown: “A queer accident happened to my wife last week. A man’s hut blew off, and struck her in the eye as they were passing each other. The doctor’s bill came to a guinea. Hard luck that I should have to pay, wasn’t it?” Mr Jones: “My wife had a funnier j accident than that yesterday. Passing a shop, a hat in the window struck her eye. It cost me £3 iOs.” TOO SURE. V: A well-known artist was glibly j “swanking” about the neatness and regularity of his wife. “If I get up in the night, and it is pitch dark, I can find my clothes, down to my j gloves, in their proper places,” he af- j firmed. “I was up this morning before, daylight,” he went on, “and —■ Here he put his tiand in his pocket for a handkerchief, and pulled out a bed-sock! '[ MEANS OF ECONOMY. “You say your car enables you t® economise?” "Yes,” replied Mr Ryder. “I keep thinking- about the price of petrol till i lose my appetite, and don’t have to worry about the high cost of food. ONE BETTER. ' - “Get away from here, or J’U call my husband!” threatened the hardfaced woman who had just refused the tramp some food. “Oh, no, you won’t,” replied the l tramp, “because he ain’t home." j "How do you know?” asked the woman. "Because,” answered the man, as jlie sillied towards the gate, ‘'a man who married a woman like you is only home at meal times.” A QUICK GUT. “Thought you said you had ploughed that ten-acre Held? ’’ said the lirst fanner. “No; I only said I was thinking about ploughing it,” answered the second farmer. “Oh, 1 see; you’ve merely turned it over in your mind!” NUT WORTH TROUBLING ABOUT. Wife (in a panic): “Oh, Jackl Jack! Jack! Baby’s been and swallowed sixpence!’’ • & Husband: “Oh, well, my dear, one can't buy much with sixpence nowa-’ days."