WIT AND HUMOUR

Waikato Times, Volume 100, Issue 16780, 24 April 1926, Page 16 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

GENEROUS. Ward: Do you give your wife an allowance ? Wood: Yes; half her salary. A GOOD APPETITE. Lady (lo gardener): Have you had your dinner yet, John? Gardener: Not yet. mum! Hi must 'cat the greenhouse first. * - * * IN DARKEST AFRICA. First Monk: Why is Miss Gazelle high-hatting everybody these days? sSecond Monk: Oh, she's been that way ever since the Prince of Wales shot at her. THE WIFE OF THE CRITIC. "What did your husband think of last night's play?" "Oh, it displeased him beautifully!" READY TO EXCHANGE. Wealthy Judge (lecturing a prisoner) : A clear conscience, my man, is more to be desired than riches. Prisoner: All right, sir; I'll swop with you. DEAR OLD BILL. Juggins: Are you a friend to William Bliggins? Muggins: That ne'er-do-well? I should think not indeed! "Then you'll hardly be interested lo hear that he has inherited a hundred thousand pounds? What? Dear old Bill. HOW TO DO IT. "Say," said the editor's smart little son, as he entered the store, "do you keep knives?" "Oh, yes," responded the storekeeper; "we've kept them for years." "Well," returned the boy, starling for the door, "you ought to advertise, and then you wouldn't keep them so long."

M I want some golf-balls for a gentleman, ."please." "Certainly, Madam. What sort d oes he like? "Well, the only time I saw him play he used a small white ball. But I cannot say I gathered the i mpression that he exactly liked It."

BAD FORM. Mrs Lester: Then the wedding was not altogether a success? Mrs Tester: No; the groom's mother cried louder than the bride's mother. It was considered very had form. THE REASON. Two gipsies, both vendors of brushes, were talking "shop." "I canot understand," said the first one, "-how it is you can sell cheaper than I can; I steal the bristles, and also the wood, and I'm pretty quick Willi my hands'." The second one replied: "Well, I'm quicker; I steal 'cm ready made." s * * » THE REMEDY. "Why is it, Sam, that one never hears of a darky committing suicide?" inquired a Northerner. "Well, you see, it's dis way, boss —when a white pussoiv has any trouble he sits down an' gits to studyin' 'bout it. an' a-wor-ryin'. Then first tiling you know, lie's done killed himself. But when a nigger sets down to think 'bout iiis troubles, why he jes nacherly goes to sleep." BY DEPUTY. "David," said the parson to the gardener, "sometimes I've reproved you for having recourse to bad lanlanguage. But wo will converse upon that on some future occasion. Just now I want you to go over to Wilkins, the jobbing mason, and settle this little bill of seven pounds fifteen for repairing the, vicarage chimney pot. And you might talk to him, David, as it it were your own lull, will you, David?" * * * * A SUBSTITUTE. Little Willie came homo from school with a black eye. "Willie, where did you get that black eye?" asked his mother. "Johnny Smith hit me," answered Willie. "I hope you remembered what your Sunday school teacher said about 'heaping coals on the head of your enemies' .'" "Well, ma, I didn't have any coals so 1 just stuck his head in the ash barrel."

[ ONLY ONE. "Your father is entirely bald, isn't 1 he?" said a man to the son of a mil--1 lionaire. i "Yes," replied the youth sadly, "I'm I the only heir ho has left." I THOSE GIRLS. Maud: "Between us. dear, I think the count's compliments rather crude. He told me the sight of my beautiful face actually made his mouth-water." Edith: "The idea! I'm sure your .face doesn't look quite that much like a lemon." BUSINESSLIKE. I "That Miss Goldriok seems to be I very popular with ihe young men." ' "Popular is no name for it. Why, do you know, her father has actually got out a printed form declining offers for her hand." BOTH AGREED. "But I am so unworthy, darling!"' he murmured, as he.held the dear girl's hand in his. "Oh, George," she sighed, "if you and pap agreed on every other point as you do on that, how happy we should be." * * * .*. . HIS AFFECTION, "That dog I bought of you yesterday turns out lo be a ferocious animal. He's bitten a lump out of my little boy's leg." "Welt, sir," replied the dog fancier, "didn't I tell you when you bought 'im that he was very fond of children?" * * * * A GOOD MEDICINE. '•'Why, Sharp, I'm glad to see you so merry and able to get about so well. You were quite lame when I saw you last." "Oh, yes; I was awfully lame then. But that was before I got a verdict ol £250 against the railway company."

THE INSTALMENT PLAN. Algy's acquiring a moustache i 'Neath his patrician beak; Getting it on the instalment play— A-little down per week. TOO MUCH RISK. Mary . Anne gave notice that she was going to be married. Her mistress slightly perturbed,, said: Of course, I don't want to put any obstacle in your way in getting married, but I wish it were possible foi; you to postpone it until I can get another maid." "Well, mum," Mary Anne replied, "I 'ardly think I know 'im well enough lo,arsk 'im to put if off." NEVER BETTER PREPARED. "I am reminded of old Bell Devins out in my district. JDcvine was on his way home from a political rally, and his skin fairly oozed alcohol. Passing through a held ho kicked up a rattlesnake which emitted a warning. ' Bill drew himself up with dignified solemnity, eyed the reptile witlt lofty comnity.i eyed the reptile with lofty contempt, and said: "Strike, darn you; pared." ***.*■ MISTAKEN IDENTITY. The sweet young thing was examining cameras. "What is the name of this one?" she inquired of the assistant, as she picked up a dainty little instrument. "That is the Belvadere," said the young man. For a moment there was a chilly silence. Then the sweet young thing pulled herself together and, fixing the assistant with a stony glance, she -inquired icily, "And can you recommend the Belva?" MARK TWAIN'S JOKE, Whistler, the famous artist, once invited Mark Twain to visit his studio to see a new painting he was just finishing. The humorist examined the canvas for some lime in silence, then said: "I'd do away with that cloud if J were you," and extended his hand carelessly towards one corner of the picture as if to smudge out a cloud effect. Whistler cried out nervously, "(lad, sir, be careful, don't you see the paint is stilt wet?" "nh, that don't matter," said Mark; "I've got my gloves on." MOTHER-IN-LAW OF MINE. You used to be a kind of joke, Mother-in-law of mine. We laughed whene'er your name was spoke, And said you should resign. Who rules at present with a hand Gentled, vet honoured through tb« land! 'TIs you, appointed to command, Mother-in-law of mine.

You once were called a tyrant grira. Mother-in-law of mine. Who told us we must douse the. glim At once, on midnight's chime. Now you're the one who sets the pa©9 Al every hour in every place With airy and untiring grace, Mother-in-law of mine. You once would make us atay at bassSb Mother-in-law of mine. But now, friend, wife and I must roam Adown the glittering line. You leach us with compelling glance Just how to lake a golfing stance, And how to vote, and how to Mother-in-law of mine. - - ■■