WIT AND HUMOUR

Waikato Times, Volume 98, Issue 16096, 20 September 1924, Page 14 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

A little moonlight now and then will marry oft the best of men. * «■ * * He who £»ces straight doesn't find life tangled. * * » * Few people are so bad —c-r so good —as they think themselves to be in various moods. * * * * As a party of tourists were climbing to the top of a half-ruined tower, one of the party remarked: "This is a perfect specimen of the spiral staircase." "Yes—per-spiral, in fact!" replied the heaviest man of the party as he mopped his brow. * * * ■ » BIG GAME. The woman, as she rusted into the grocery store, was almost overcome. "Quick, quick," she gasped, striving to regain her breath, "Give me a mouse trap. I want to catch a 'bus." * * * * UPRIGHT. The old-fashioned farmer was hard to convince. "No," declared he, "I'll have no such contraption in my house. Pian- ; ners are bad things." "Oh, but, father," protested his daughter, "this is an upright piano." * # * * BASHFUL. | The two old gentle-men were cliatKting over their boundary fence. "Your son isn't doin' much gardening this year," said one. "No. It's'on account of the birds next door," replied the other. "Birds? Chickens I suppose you mean. Come over and peck up the seeds, eh?" "No, nothln' like that. My boy doesn't like for those smart girls to see him in his overalls." » * * * A GOOD TIME. At a meeting of a country cooperative sooiety the chairman asked the speaker to make his speech as lively as possible. When he had finished, the chairman whispered: "Now that you've got them in a good humour would you mind announcing that there's no •dividend this quarter."

COULDN'T HELP IT. Freda: "I am surprised that you allowed that Spaniard to kiss you last night at the dance." Gertie: "I couldn't stop him. I can't speak Spanish." * * ♦ • A PLEA FOR PEACE. \ . "Shall I sing to you, Mr Hobson?; asked Miss Gushing, who was unreasonably proud of her voice. "Have you a song with a refrain?" the visitor asked. "Yes, of course." "Then please refrain 1" * * * * HE WATCHED THE CLOCK. "I'm afraid I made a great mistake in accepting, Sandy M'Lean. He's too mean." "What makes you think that?" "Well, he proposed in a taxi, and the moment I accepted him he paid the fare, and we got out and walked the rest of the way." ».■•••■• GREAT PROGRESS. Fond Mother (who is sure the visitor would like to hear her infant prodigy on the violin): "Johnny is so far advanced that now we can almost tell whether he is tuning or playing." * * * • TOO SOON. Friend (sympathetically): "Never mind, don't worry. You will have your' huoband with you again in a month." Mrs Martinson . (sobbing) : "Yes, and I thought he would get six." » v * * EVERYBODY IN. "I see in the paper that a widower with nine children out in Nebraska lias married a widow with seven children." "That was no marriage. That was a merger." * * « * NOT SO EASY. Magistrate: "This man's watch was fastened in his pocket by a safety-pin. How did you manage to get it?" Prisoner: "Well, judge, 1 usually sets five dollars for six lessons." * * ? * A HAPPY THOUGHT. Smith went, to stay for his holiday in a small fishing village. One thing spoiled his enjoyment—he became tired of the fish that was served up for every meal. One day the landlady accidentally dropped tier fork. "Ah," she remarked. That means there's a stranger coming!" Then Smith spoke up, "I do hope it'll be the butcher," he ventured.

"This beefsteak is so tough my knife won't cut it." "Waiter, another knife for the gentleman!"

EFFICIENCY PLUS. "That efficiency expert makes it a rule to search five minutes —no more and no less---when he loses a golf ball." "It's a good rule, too. I played with him once when he lost a" ball, and we found three in five minutes." >f « ■> ■ * LONG STRETCH. An angler in Scotland recently caught a salmon weighing sixty pounds. It is rumoured that, in describing this foat, he has dislocated both his shoulders. *** » * CONTRIBUTIONS PROVIDED. "What," asks a cleric, "has Blnn-' ingham ever done to help the Church?" It seems to have escaped him that Birmingham produces over a million buttons every week. »'.*'...-.'»,'.■'..» DIFFERENT AGAIN. Lady: "I want a nice book for an invalid!" Bookseller: "Yes, madam. Something religious." Lady: "Er—no-—no—er—he'i convalescent." IDENTIFIED. First Society Woman: "That's mf baby that we just passed." Second Society Woman: "Raw could you tell?" First Society Woman: "I recognised the nurse." AND THE STICKS GET BURNED. "Your school is not a sejninarv; it's a match factory," said the smart young .college man. to the girl student. "You're right," said the girl. "We furnish the heads and get the sticks from the men's colleges." ' : * * * * OR MODERN "CHICKENS." The young- hopeful of the family was just entering the' age of late nights and notions. One morning after late hours the night before, the youth announced:~ "Pa, I've a notion to raise chickens." . - • Pa drew his eyebrows together and gruffly commented : "Better try owls. Their houri would suit you better."

GRASS OR SOD. ? Snatches of the laconic American speech are heard everywhere in London. At a lunch-plaee at Wembley an American was being introduced to an English-woman, and it happened to bo mentioned that she wail a widow. Said the American: "Grass or sod?'' * * * * COOK'S CHARACTER. The bachelor put up with burnt bacon, raw joints, and* hard pastry for one long, dyspeptic month, and then he hinted to his cook that she was wasting her talents, and, accordingly, the lady of the ladle departed, and sought a situation elsewhere. Shortly afterwards she asked him for a reference, whereupon he sat down and wrote: "Mrs Muggins was employed by me for a month, but left owing to illness—my illness!" * * * * MAKING SURE. A commercial traveller staying at a small hotel in the North of Ireland, wished to catch a very early morning train to Dublin, and asked the land-, lady for the loan of an alarm clock. The landlady gave him a little alarm clock, and said: — "We don't often use it, sir, and sometimes it sticks a bit; but if it doesn't s-o off just touch that little hammer and it'll ring all right." *.*■*'■'• JUST A CHANCE. Benson: "Why do you allow your daughter to bang the piano so hard?" Fenton: "I'm hoping that one day she'll cither sprain her wrist or smash the instrument." * * * • SOMETHING SAVED. The conceited young man had talked about himself till the girl felt she couldn't endure it much longer. "It costs a great deal more than one would think to become a broad-mind-ed and intelligent man of the world," he remarked serenely. The young lady saw her chance, and took it. "I suppose .SO," she said, "and I don't blame you for saving your money!" * * * • POOR MARKSMAN. The old gentleman entered a chemist's shop and asked the assistant if he could recommend a good method of killing moths. "Try moth-balls," said the assistant- ~ , j "Oh, they're useless, remarked the old gentleman. "I bought some last wccy, and 1 couldn't hit one of the wretched tilings with them."