Wit and Humour

Waikato Times, Volume 94, Issue 14764, 1 October 1921, Page 12 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour

A little nonsense now and then Is relished by toe wisest men. "What is meant by "the race problem'?" "Picking winners, I think." • * * • "Gam! D'yer mean to tell me you've got cuts o' meat to suit all purses?" "Certainly I does." "Then what yer got to suit an empty purse?" "The cold shoulder " • * * * A TESTIMONIAL. "Here is a letter it would hardly do for us to publish," said the patent medicine quack. "A man writes—'l have .iust taken the first bottle of your medicine.' " "Well?" said his partner. "There it breaks oil short, and is signed in another hand writing, 'Per executor.' " • » c » PLENTY OF EXPERIENCE. Bridget (who is giving a month's notice)—"Please ma'am, I've got a place at an asylum." But, Bridget," protested her mistress, "you've had no experience whatever, have you?" "Well, ma'am," said Bridget with a smile, "I've been here nearly two THE OLDEST INHABITANT. New Curate (to Village Gossip) : Don't you think it's about lime your son learnt some trade? Village Gossip: Bless yer 'eart, no; 's's all right. 'ls father done very well this many a year as oldest inhabitant, and 'e'll just step into the business when the time comes. » * »• » DEFINITION OP AN EGG. "And vvhat is on egg?" asked the teacher who was testing his pupil's knowledge. "An egg," said the boy, "is a chicken not yet." • * * « • ENGAGED. "Why did you leave your last post?" "My chiefs wife found out that I firtcd with him." "Can you start here in the morning?" PLENTY OP PRACTICE. The old family doctor was well pleased with his patient, and was proud of the way his drugs had been working to cure hay fever. "1 am glad to hear," he said, "that you cough with greater ease this morning" "Yes," fcaid his long-suffering patient, "you sec, I have been practising all night." • * * » FOND OF LITERATURE. A literary man recently found himself in the company of a youth with whom he experienced some difficulty in finding a suitable topic of conversation. He tried books. "Have you read anything good lately?"" he asked. "Yes, I've just been reading a splendid look!" "Indeed. What was it?" "Well, I forget the name.' "Who was the author?" hopefully. "Oh, I don't know." 'Well, what was it about?" desperately. "Indeed, I've forgotten." Long pause—then, eagerly. "It had a red cover!" • * * • • PURE ENGLISH Mr Alexander Watson, the wellknown elocutionist, in a plea for the cultivation of purityjn speech, remarked that it was a curious fact that those speaking in the Cockney manner were unaware that their speech differed from those who spoke in a more cultured manner. He gave severil instances of this, the most outstanding being lint of a well-known novelist, possessing a pronounced Cockney accent. This writer, he said, was given to much lecturing. On one occasion he spok; on different English dialects, and assured his hearers that those afflicted with the Cockney accent were unconscious of it. lie told his audience of the case of the Cockney mother, who, on her son asking for some cake, but pronouncing- it "kike," corrected him, telling him that he should say "kike." "And you know," remarked the distinguished novelist to his audience, "they both thought they were saying 'kike.' " a • • • IT PAYS TO ADVERTISE. The kindly vocalist sang at the village concert presided over by the local blacksmith, and thought it a fine idea to sing "The Village Blacksmith." He was encored, and sang it again by request. Then the chairman asked him to sing it once more. Naturally the singer protested. "Surely I had better sing something else," lie suggested. "No, no," said the chairman. "Sing it again and—tell them I mend bicycles, loo," • • • • • A PARSON'S GOOD STORIES. The cullud gentleman in the pulpit was well wound up. After three-quar-ters of an hour he was still goinp strong. "Now we come to the minor prophets," he said. "There's Melachile—what place will wc give him?" A weary individual rose in his seat. "Y"o' can let him have my place if yo' like—Ah'm full-up!" Pat and Mick were having a set-up in the street when I came along. " What is the trouble?" I asked. Pat let Mick go and said, "We're having a fight over what Mick called mo a year." "Upon my word," I declared, "how does this come about?' "Twelve months ago," said Pat, indigiantly, "he called me a rhinoceros. I was to the zoo yesterday, and saw one for the first time!" I met a workman slouching down the street. "Went out on strike!" he said briefly "What for?" I queried. "Shorter hours!" came the answer. "Did you get them?" "Yes,—sacked!" I called out to a member of the flock just as he was entering a hotel. No answer. Later I met him again. "Why," I nsked, "didn't you reply thai lime i spoke to you?" He shifted uneasily about. "Well, parson, to tell you the truth." he saiu, "I only had the one sixpence!" I found Pat sealed outside his humble home one rainy morning, holding an umbrella above his he,id "Whj don't, you go inside?'' I asked. "The roof's leaking, and it's too wet to fix it!" "Then why didn't you repair it when the sun was shining?" "ft wouldn't be necessary when the wea-