Wit and Humour

Waikato Times, Volume 94, Issue 14601, 26 February 1921, Page 12 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour

A little nonsense now and then Is relished by the wisest men. A woman can do anything in the world but wait. • * * • • Distance lends enchantment —but not in a taxi-cab. * * * • • The really important part of a rule is the exception of it. * * * * Some men arc like posts, steady enough, but they never get anywhere. • « • • * The hardest part about knowing some people is to conceal our opinion of them. • • » * A prehistoric speech—yet One always up to date, "You're the only girl I ever loved." * • • * • Memory's a sort of box you keep tilings in to preserve them, but sometimes you lose the key. A certain well-known actor, a good fellow enough, but notorious for his chronic lack of*ready cash, was boasting that everything in his house," went like clockwork." "Ah.'" interjected a listener meaningly. "Tick, tick, tick, I presume." * * ♦ • Wise: "Haven't you got a job yet?" Potter: "No; I'm still waiting for something to turn up." Wise: "Huh I Your sleeves are what you need to turn up." * • • •

A young and virtuous curate, whilst on his way to the station, met some ladies of his flock returning from a party. "How did you enjoy yourselves?" asked one of the maidens. "Oh, I have had such a time. Do you know I feel perfectly abandoned. I feel so reckless that I'm going home in a smoking compartment!" THE PUZZLED PUPIL. The new teacher was beginning the arithmetic lesson. "No boys, listen to me. Suppose John has five oranges, and James gave him eleven more. . Then, if John handed seven to George, how many would we have left.' ' Dead silence and great perplexity fell upon the class. "Come, come, that's easy enough. Well, my lad, what is it?" "Please sir," said one of the boys, "we always does our sums in happles." SOME PROVERBS—UP-TO-DATE. "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder." "Many hands want light work." "A little widow is a dangerous thing." "A word to the wise is resented." "A lie in time saves nine."

"A fool and his honey are soon mated." "A bird on a bonnet is worth ten on a plate." "It's a strong stomach that has no turning ." THE GREAT QUESTION. First Clubman: "Terrible thing happened near us yesterday." Second Clubman (apathetically) : "Yes ?" first Clubman: "Fellow two doors away quarrelled with his wife—and had a tremendous dust-up." Second Clubman (yawning): "That so?" First Clubman: "And then he rushed up to the bathroom and cut his throat—dead as mutton !" Second Clubman (springing op) : "Great guns! Is his house to let? 1 ' EQUAL TO THE OCCASION. It was Pat's first day as porter at the wayside station, and he quite for§ot name of his station and the destination of the train. He was quite equal to the occasion, however, and. rushing up and down the platform, he shouted: "Here yer are fer where yer going! All ye here fer there, get in; all ye in there fer here, get out—and hurry up." MISUNDERSTOOD. Small Boy: "Please, sir, 'ave you a little cigarette 'older you don't want?" Algernon: "No, my boy. Why?" Small Boy: "Because my father said I could smoke a cigarette when I got a little older." •

A DOUBLE EVENT. During a double innings match between scratch elevens of a Yorkshire club, a bowler sent up a curly slow, and the batsman, hitting forward, played it into the hands of the wicket-keeper, who, after making the catch, put down the wicket, shouting, "How's that?" "Out, catched and stumped," said the umpire appealed to. "But I can't be both," said the batsman. "Well, then, th'art 'aht for both innin's," was the startling reply. HONEST TALK. Mrs Maginnia met Mrs Morlarty al afternoon tea. Says Mrs Maginnis: "How do you do, Mrs Morlarty ?" Savs Mrs Moriarty: "I am glad to sec you, and how do you do, not that 1 care a rap, but I always think that it helps along the conversation." HAD HEARD OF HIM. "Boys," said the Sunday School teacher, "can any of you tell me about Good Friday?" "Ycs'm, I can," replied an urchin at the foot of the class." "He was the bloke what did the housework for Robinson Crusoe." THE RESFMBLANCE. Richboy: "Here's something like a cigar. Have one?" Jenkins 'lighting up and puffing a few times): "Yes, it is something like! What is it?" KNEW FliO.M EXPERIENCE. One of the professional lifc-?avers at Manly says that the surf is not Hi l ' only danger (hey encounter when they rescue a lady from the sea. To illusIratc Ins point lie has been telling his puis how a bountiful girl fell into a river and grasped a plank that floated past. "Save me! save mc!" she cried, as her head rose above the water, and sdio gwzeil at the man watching from the shore. •'I beg your pardon," lie replied fi the bank, "but I want it distinctly understood that I'm a married man with seven children." "Yes. yes! save me!" she shrieked. "Then there'll he no falling into my aiius. and calling me preserver, will there?" "i di, on. ii" !" "And \nii won't insist on marrying me I'lir my heroic conduct ?" "No! no ! only save me!" "All right, I'll tackle the job," he remarked, as he threw aside his coat. "You see." he explained, just before diving in, "1 was caught by one o' those dodges before, and that's why I" arried; it makes me a bit particular now."