WIT AND HUMOUR

Waikato Times, Volume 93, Issue 14540, 11 December 1920, Page 10 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

“The whole audience looked at me open-mouthed when X did theft scene!” “Some yawnl” “Dad, what’s a forger?” “A man who tries to make a name for himself.” He: "Is this the first time you’ve ever been in love, darling?” She (thoughtlessly) : “Yes, but it’s so nice thal 1 hope it won’t be the last I" Father (solemnly) : “This thrashing is going -to hurl me more Hum you, John.” John (sympathetically) ; "Well, don't he too rough on yourself, dad; I ain't worth it." First Typist: “The guv’nor doesn’t pay me any more than I’m worth, 1 ran tell you!” Second Typist; "Goon gracious! How do you manage to live on il?” Sing you a song in the garden of life, If only you gather a thistle; Sing you a song us you travel along, An’ if you can’t sing—why, just whistle. The taxi-driver turned at the end of Hie second hour, and eyed his client suspiciously. “Are you taking me by the hour or by the day?" he asked. "By the year,” responded the haggard passenger; “I’m looking for a house.” A tourist reports seeing Hie following police regulation posted up in Ireland: —“Until further notice every vehicle must carry a light when darkness begins. Darkness begins when Hie lights are lit.” Real Assistance. “I have heard that your wife is of great value to you in your work,” said Hie friend of Hie novelist. “1 had no idea she was literary. “She isn’t, hut she never attempts to straighten out my desk,” explained Hie novelist.”

Comedian’s Golf Yarns. The inimitable Neil Kenyon has been telling golf stories. Here are a couple:— “Some caddies," he says, “have remarkable lact. Two maiden golfers were discussing their best scores, and one claimed lo have gone round in 83. The other turned imploringly to her caddie. ‘What did 1 go round in yesterday?’ she asked. “ ‘l’m iw’ sure,’ came the answer, ‘but I think it was in a red sweater and a tartan tam-o’-shanter.’ “An old Scot was once asked by a beginner what was the best tiling to use for cleaning golf balls. ‘Whisky, 1 replied Hie worthy, ‘lndeed, and bow do you use it?’ ‘Oh, J. just swallow the whisky,’ came the . rejoinder, ‘then 1 breathe on the hulls!’ ” “Leave It to You, Partner.’* A negro was an important witness in a trial in Hu- cnurtiton.se of a little: town in the smith of Hie U.S.A., and he, was earefnliy coached by Ids lawyer and told exactly what to say. When Mr Brown, (lie. lawyer, left the negro, just before the trial com!11<■ i>(• --(I, Abe knew his evidence off by 10-arl, ini’ when lie entered Hie crowded cniirthouse and saw a sea ol faces ah round him. he suffered from a seven- al lack of “wind up.” His lawyer slooii up, and, genlly and kindly and with a winning smile, said : ■ "Now, A lie. Icll Hie jiulire and Jury everylhing yon know alien! the ease." Ah*- looked start led, and glanced fearfully round Hie court: then he gasped: “When I started Co’ de courthouse iiis roamin' dev wnz only two people in dr-' world dal knew what 1 wnz to say—me and Massa Brown. Now Missa Brown am de only one d»l knows."