FUN AND FANCY.

Waikato Times, Volume 88, Issue 13432, 10 March 1917, Page 3 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY.

A young English officer, lately home from the front, scored off his father, one of those who take the gloomiest views of the war from its inception to its probable end. At dinner the elder's usual gloomy diatribe against the existing conditions was interrupted and ended thus: Oh, we ail know about you, father—one foot in the grave and the other on a banana skin, as usual. facie: Well, Walter, what have they put you down v for. Walter (who has undergone five medical exams, with a different verdict each time): I —l'm not quite sure; but I think it's garrison duty in both legs, or ebe varicosa veins abroad.

A deaf man was being married, and the parson asked the usual question, "Do you take this woman for vour lawful wife?" "Eh?" said the deaf man. "Do you take this woman for your lawful wife?" This time a bit louder. The groom seemed to get angry. "Oh, 1 don't know,'' he said. "She aint so awful. I've seen wuss than that her that didn't have as much money."

"What are you going to tell your constituents when you get home?" Too soon to think about that," replied Senator Sorghum, "if some of the havsh criticism going; on in my district keeps up, mebbe I ain't going home." "So you bought one of those automobiles they tell so many funny stories about?" "Yes," replied Mr Chuggins. "And it is saving me a lot of trouble and wear and tear. When your friends tell you jokes about your car they don't expect you to ask them to ride around in it."

"Now then," said the auctioneer, holding up a pair of antique silver candlesticks, "give me a start." "Two shillings," came from a voice at the back of the room. "What!" exclaimed the horrified auctioneer. "Ah!" said the bidder in an undertone, and with a chuckle, "I thought that would give 'im a start."

Office Nut: If one cigaw will make a man ill, will two cigaws make a manilia?

An ex-member of Parliament who contested a Highland constitnency tells the following anecdote:' Once, after a long and fatiguing day's canvass, I tackled a minister, who was very keen upon the subject of getting the bishops out of the Hoiiße of ljords, and in pursuance of his favorite hobby be asked me: "Well, sir, what are you prepared to do about the bishops?" 1 was irritated and fatigued by my day's work, and I testilv muttered: 'Oh, hang the bishops!' The minister bowed and replied: ' Well, sir. you go rather beyond me there. 1 canna undertake to go altogether that length with you, but ye shal hae ray vote.' "

"What do you think of this extra hour of daylight scheme?" "What I'm for is more moonlight," declared the romantic girl. Husband: That new cook is certainly quiet. One would never know that she was about the place. Wife: She isn't. : She left this morning. Some time ago one of the masters at a certain grammar school caused a sensation by publishing a book which hor» a striking resemblance to one published previously by a well-known minor poet. Comments upon the matter became of an accusatory nature, and culminated in one of the'pupils openly accusing the author one day m the common roc-m of plagiarism. "Sir," replied the indig nant author, "your opinion is neither sought nor valued —you're an ass." "I may be," calmly retorted the scholar, "but —the ass knoweth hi 9 master'? crib."

A beautiful lady interviewed a for-tune-teller on. the usual subjects. "Lady," said the clairvoyant, "you will visit foreign lands and* the courts of the kings and queens. You . will conquer all rivals and marry-the man. of your choice. He will be.tall and dark and aristocratic - looking." "And young?" interrupted the lady. "Yes. and very rich."" The beautiful lady grasped the fortune-teller's hands and pressed them hard. "Thank you," she said. "Now tell me one thing more. I How shall I get rid of mv present husband?"