JONES.

Waikato Times, Volume XXXIX, Issue 3121, 16 July 1892, Page 1 (Supplement)

JONES.

A Sketch by P. Halcombe Gray. I wish you could acquire assertive self-conceit like any other useful or ornamental accomplishment. I cannot say that for myself I have any burning admiration for the fortunate possessors of that quality ; but other people seem to admire them ; especially girls. His name is Jones, and he is a conspicuous exponent of the particular firm of aggressive self satisfaction to which I have been referring. He has a soft, sleek voice, and a comprehensive self-embracing smile of satisfaction with everything in general, and his own charming self in particuler, that (to a modest and retiring individual), is intensely irritating. And the worst of it is he calls her Nellie. It is true that is her name, but, for all that, realism does not require such strict adherence to truth as always calling a girl by her Christian name. Besides, he is engaged to another, which makes it worse. Fancy a fellow like that having two girls infatuated with him! Jones is one of those happy characters whose perfect self content never allows them to see that they have been beaten in a war of words. The most stinging repartee, (I speak from personal experience, alas!) the most sarcastically baiting rejoinder to one of his fatuous remark* produces nothing more than a slight expansion of his eternal smile. As for its ever entering his head that the persistent iteration of his smug voice may grow wearisome, you would not suggest such a thing if you knew him. His own idea is that it is a very pleasing and at- . tractive specimen of " linked sweetness long drawn out j" at least that 1 think is why he speaks so slowly, and let his words fall froin his lips like a thin stream of treacle in a delectable drawl.

You remark that I ■ appear to be letting personal animus carry me beyond the bounds of decorum ; but, you know, it is not by any means personal animus that leads me to write. You must forgive any bitterness that may intrude itself; I assure you if such a thing does happen, as I trust it will not, it will be entirely against my will. For as you must have seen already, my object

(and I think I have carried it out effectively), has been dispassionately to pourtray one of the latest developments of our boasted civilisation; if I am compelled (in the cause of truth) to describe this product in terms of some strength— well you can hardly blame me. Blame the product rather !

He is one of those distressing creatures, who to add to their already sufficiently copious stock of charms, scripturally refrain from marring the corners of their beards, and who go about in all the glorious manliness of rudimentary whiskers and a rudimentary moustache. I don't know why it is, I am sure, that young men—very young men—who don't shave present such a much more irritating appearance, and always seem so much more satisfied with themselves than those who do shave, I don't pretend to explain it; I only know that ic is the case—in one particular instance, at any rate. Now, I share. I wonder if the cultivation of a beard would increase my self-satisfaction! and would it (this is really what I care about) would it raise me in the esteem of Nellie ? It would be almost worth while asking somabody's advice— what about hers ? I don't know, though. Perhaps if I were to grow a beard it would not be so handsome as Jones's, and then I should be vanquished after all. You think that I am devoting too much attention to a trivial and unimportant subject. A conceited youth (you remark) with exaggerated ideas of his own place in the universe is not a subject of general interest, nor of so rare occurrence that a' detailed description will bo of value to anyone. That is true, but you know my devotion to the Goddess of Realism.

After all, however, when one comes to consider it, it is not liis beard, it is not his voice, it is not even his fearful smile that is so provoking, as the air of proprietorship with which he addresses or speaks of the young lady I had mentioned—not the one he is engaged to. In fact, if he were not engaged to someone else, it would not matter so much, but when the honour of his hand is already bespoken, it seems rather ridiculous, to say the least of it, for him so blandly and so patronisingly to address her as he does. Why—good heavens ?—I have as much right, seeing that, at any rate, I am not engaged to someone else, to swagger about and call her Nellie, and smile suavely when she makes a remark ; and yet I don't do any of these things. Perhaps I should be happier if I did. Jealousy, you say. Ob, .no! I can truthfully assure you that it is not anything of that sort. As a matter of fact, and as you very well know, there is no reason why I should be jealous, more than anybody else. It is not as if I were in love.

I have merely been exposing to | the public gaze the foibles and weaknesses of a typical young man, and (alas that I should have to write it!) a typical—no, on the whole I think Nellie, charming, spiteful, clever little person, is not a typical girl. She is, or I am very much mistaken, something more than that. Indeed, it is for that very reason that 1 am so distressed at the manner in which she is being treated. It is from a purely outsido and disinterested point of view that I regard what is going on. Jealousy ! Why, I tell you lam not in love ! I confess, of course, that I have found her an exceedingly charming girl, with a very great deal more cleverness and wit than one usually meets with in the fair sex ; and, though she can make bitter little remarks at times, as a general rule she is amiability itself. Naturally then I should not like to see her throw herself away on a man who is not worthy of her, and altogether. . . . By Jove! Perhaps ifc is jealousy !