Amusing.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVI, Issue 2137, 20 March 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Amusing.

. HOW TO TItKAT A GUEST, (iivo no more to every guest Than' liu'i' .iblt'to digest ; .Give him'*l«v^ij of the prime, And but little at a time. Swift. Ei&sx,jQg£XV£& — That was a very mysterious ca *° °f suicide I«*t night, w.isn't it ? Hf W.JS younjf, well dressed, and apparently uell to do. Not .1 bit like tha, ordinary, suicide. Second Officer—l don't sro an} thing vrry mysterious about it. It struck me that, it was n very ruditi iry ( 1 c, ' But there was nothing fouifd on h'in to imlicite the cause of tho did "Oh, yes th»ro was," "What wi-it?' 1 " His man i lire certificate." — New Oi leans Timt •<- D>'mo< r.it.

\\ li \T HE \\ \s AKTEK. "So you like Mr Simpson?" "Yes, mother I lose him. He is a man after my own heart " "I am afraid, my daughter, th.it i\e dos^n't rare much for our heart, I think he is after you father's money, pritKipilly,"

A CI.ORIOUS HHUnK AHEAD Im.ivoiniax —" You have seen William Shak-pere s plays, of course ?" Missourian —" One or two of them only," Illinoniaa—" Well, what do yon think of Sh-ik^pere a<> apliywright?" Mi*sonrian —"I look upon him as a rising man."

HAPPY emi>KKN. They sent nun round the circle fair, To bow bofore the prettiest there ; I'm bound to *ay the choice ha mads A. creditably taste displayed ; Although I can't say what it meant, The little maid looked ill content. His task w.n then anew begun : To kneel before the wittiest one. Once' more the little maid souprht he, And bont him down bafme his knee. She turned her eyes upon the floor ; I think she thought the game a bore. Ho circled then, his sweet behest, To kiss the one tie loved the best ; For .ill *!m frowned, for all she chid, To kfcithat little maid, he did ; And then— thouofh why I can't decide— The little maid looked satisfied. "Yoc know that sweet little sculptress who has a studio on Fifty-seventh street?" said young Prettiboy. "I met her at Mrs Pinchbeck's last night. She completely turned my head. "Ah! 1 " said the Dude, thoughtfully; "I knew ahe modeled in clay, but I didn't suppose she worked in wood at all. However-; — " But young Prettiboy, who U no ass if he does look nice, had started to walk round the block and, think it oveH— Brooklyn Eagle. To show how shamefully particular some people are, it is related of a fashionable women of Nob Hill, that she refused to accept an invitation to dinner from a lady acquaintance, because in her note she spelled "pleasure" with a capital "P," The following is, perhaps, one of the most laughable ccideuts that ever occured in reference to a lockedup jury: AGalway baliff having been questioned as to whether he had spoken to the jury during the night, gravely answered, "No, My Lord ; they kept calling out for me to bung them whisUy, but I always said, 'Gentlemen of the jury, it is my duty to tell you that i"m sworn not to speak to you.' " " Darri.nger, I s.mpathize with you in yonr financial distress. As a friend you can tiust me every time." "But, Bromley, that doe3en't happen to be the. kind of a friend lan looking for. I want a friend who will trust me." A Fait. Inference.-- Art dealer : " Yes, that was painted by one of the old masters. But I beg your pardon, you must not touch it with your umbrella." " Old Mr Hardplayer : " What's the matter ? Ain't it dry ?" A Texas clergyman, about to be appointed chaplain of the penitentiary, preached a farewell sermon to his congregation, who hal treated him rather badly. He selected the following text : "I go to prepare a ploce for you, so that where I am ye may be also." PKcrEP.TV-iior.&EK— Hey, wake up here ! I think theie's a burglar in my house. Weary officer— "Well, you've got call to wake a man out of a sound ale? p to tell him what yon think. "Oh. Mr Van Duden,'' said a younsr dudino at the oper.i recently, " doesn't this mu^ic make your surge '('' " Ah, y.'iq I believe it's frwind." "It is so tender, wouderfully, exquisitely perfect, it makes mo wave all over." "High tide,' «*aid a dNgu'ted listener. A wi;vltiiy Clucigoau intended to marry a young wife, but his son ran off with the bride, using for the purpose the marriage certificate taken out by his paternal. It is not often that a son evinces such <ieep affection for his father. The son, and not the old man, will have to pay the expenses of a divorce a. few months hence. It is said that the only time a man wishes he is a woman is when he is in a crowded «treet-car. This is not so. A man never wishes himself a woman except when he sees a worn in kissing a pretty girl, or else when having no .noney in his pockut he unexpectedly runs across a party of friends who expect him to stand treat. Fashionable daughter (preparing to go out) — " What are the weather probabilities for to-day, mamma ?" Mamma (looking over the paper)— " High easterly winds witli local rams." Fashionable daughter (to maid) — "Jane, you may get out my striped stockings and kid shoes. "Look here," remarked De Wiggs to the corner grocer, " this pavement is awfully slippery. Why don't you turow some sand on it?"' "Can't gpt a bit," replied the grocer. " Well, throw some sugar over it, the pavement won't know the difference." "I uo love pig's feet so !" exclaimed a young man at a down-town boardinghouse the other day, as he reached over and took the last one from the plate in the middle of the table ; " I do believe I could live on pig's feet." "Are yon sure that you don't?'' was the sarcastic question put to him by Crimsonbeak, who was about to help himself to the fastdisappearing foot. Oh, how delightful 'tis to dance For charity, sweet charity ! We're always glad to get a chance Our good intentions to enhance, And therefore we are glad to prance, For charity, sweet charity. — N. Y. Journal. Said William to Martha : But yon must remember, my dear, that my taste is better than yours. Said Martha to William : Undoubtedly, when we come to remember that you married me and I man-ted you. And William said not a word. "A physician says that a sealskin sacque causes more colds than it prevents " This physican knows very little of female human nature if ho suppose*! that a woman's object in wearing a sealskin sacque is to avoid taking a cold. She wears it to kill her less fortunate lady friends dead with envy. What is Smith domg,now?" "He is. travelling with a circus." Pretty hard work, isn't it ?" " No, he has nothing todo except to stick his head in th« big lion's mouth twice a day." No, Millicent, we cannot inform yoa wh? is the author of " My Love He Has a Red, Red Nose." The author of the -redness was probably mountain- dew, though. Eugenia to (Fogle)— Dear me, Mr Fogle, you're such a help to one reading: the current literature. I want your aid .ljJTtfin. In the missionary society's report I find the words bonum est. Now, what do they mean ?" Fogle (confidently) — It's Cannibal Islander for "young and juicy." — Tit-Bits. Tramp (at the back door)— Will you give us .something to eat? Woman— Not a thing. Tramp— Nor nuthin' to drink ? Woman — Nor nuthin' to drinks Trump— No cast-off clothes? Woman— None. Tramp— Well, would you tell a poor, tinfortunate man what time it is •