THE EXCURSION BOAT.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVI, Issue 2137, 20 March 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

THE EXCURSION BOAT.

Whilst perusing our daily paper tho other morning, the following interesting announcement greeted our eye. Every other word was printed in largo type, intended, no doubt, to startle and surprise the reader. •' The '-' (in very largu capitals, please Mr Printer), "fast and favourite b.s. " (in microscope type) " Cuttlefish '' (in letters of alarming pro portion) " will make an excursion trip to Codfish Bay, under the management of the Society for tho Promotion of Christian Knowledge, on Saturday, 24th mst., leaving the Marino Jetty at 9 a.m. Fares, 2a 6d return ; families at a reduction ; children half-price." We have, as yet, failed to discover whether the " s.s Cuttlefish " or that marine retreat •'Codfish Bay," rejoiced in being under the dominion of the S.P.CK. ; judging from after events, we should say neither, but rather that the propagation society bad full control of the two-and-sixpenny fares and the steam -whistlo, which cheerful and melodious instrument is carefully avoided in the wording of the advertisement. Having had no previous experience , of excursion boats, and our heart-yearning for " th« sea, the sea, the open sea," we- determine to participate in the programme of pleasure offered to us by the S.P.CK., and to take a trip in the "fait and favourite a.s. Cuttlefish," to the shores of " Codfish B ly. " In accordance with, our determination 9 a.m. finds us, with about upventy other pleasuroseekers, on the " Marine Jetty," waiting for the landing-stage that is to enable us to reach the deck of the steamer intended to convey uh on our holiday jaunt. Presently, with a rush, and a nttle, and a bang, the stage shoots from the vosscl'a side to tho wharf, and we find ourselves plodding up the inclined plane much after the fashion that the song tells us Noah's anitnalsenteredthoark Afterexer-oi-iing ourselves by falling over two coils of rope, and running into the embrace of an ancient mariner, who remonstrates with us ia language more forcible than polite, we at L'Jigth locate ourselves under the lee of , what we subsequently ascertain to be the smoke-stack, another infernal invention not mentioned in tho public advertisement. An obese old lady of demure and placid expression, in an antiquated gown and coal-snuttle bonnet, takes up her position alongside of us, and remarks, in a semi-confidential undertone, that "«he 'opes we'll 'aye a plea-ant houting." tn reply we fervently de-ire that such may be the case, at the same tilne inwardly resolving to change our locality at the first opportunity. It is not long in offering itself for, just as the old lady is on the point of "'oping" agnin, a screech, which can be better imagined than described, rings in our ears. This proceeds' from the steam -whistle, which is manipulated with wonderful dexterity and astonishing frequency throughout the day by the boy who holds the appointment which necessitates his ctlliug down a tube to the engineer on duty, the myetio words "backer, "stop'er," and "starn." The effeot of the unearthly screech on the old lady is electrical. Springing up with an alacilty that would reflect infinito credit on a Comanche Indians, she vehemently asserts that " 'er 'art his hin 'er mouth," and, furthermore, that " she never cud abide them 'orrid sjteam-wie-els, not at no price." We fool ■tartled, not to such an expressive degree as the old lady, but sufficiently so to warrant the changing of our position from the smoke-stack — which has covered our white flannels with sooty- black specks — to another part of " the fast and favourite s. c. Cuttlefish." " All a— board ! All abo — ird ! 1 Ease off that 'cad line there! Let 'ergo aft! Slow steam ahead," and we find ourselves gradually leaving the " Marine Jetty," en route for " CodfMi Bay," the "Home of the happy." Whilst steaming 1 down the harbour we find leisure to take a casual survey of a few of the groups on deck. The first group that attracts our attention is a family oue, no doubt " taken at a reduction." There is no mistaking that melancholy - expressioned, Link - haired, hollow-chested man who is holding the sticky -fingered infant in alarming proximity" to his white waistcoat, for any other than the father of a family. From the general contour of his features wo are led to the conclusion that he has been forcibly persuaded to accompany his family to "Codfish Bay." The wife of his bosom, and the mother of his children is doing that which characterises the majority of mothers when out for a holiday, viz., distributing large pieces of plum cake to a numerous though un interesting progeny, notwithstanding the fact that barely thirty minutes hare elapsed 'since the progeny breakfasted heartily. The mother, a • go-as-you-please" looking woman, pauses for a moment to comfort " Tommy dear,'" who, with his eyes full of tears and his mouth full, of plum-cake, mumbles forth that Billy ban been "pulling finger* at him." By way of explanation to those of our readers who are not versed in " baby Ulk," it would be as well to mention that the intellectu il operation of " pullintr fingers" is performed by placing the point of the thumb in juxtaposition to the end of the nasil organ, when, by the exten-ioa of the digits, the operation is rendeied Co in plots. Billy, a shockhoaded boy with a dirty nose, receives xevere reproof for his misconduct, and "Tommy dear" is pwified bv an extra shnre of cake. Anna Miria, the remaining member of thin grou-i, is a child of noodfscript appearance with a quantity of trimming protruding fro'n beneath a scarcity of petticoat. She is an un-healthy-looking (i'itl with weak eyes, and rejoices in warts on ■ her knuckles. Her "pnr" and "mar" are constantly requested by her to 11 apeak ter ■ Billy " respecting 1 Ms unseemly conduct. To the right of this family group may be observed ft sentiments! couple in single blessedness. At present they appear ' disinclined to take warning by anything or anybody, bnt have given themselves up, with utter abandon, to the full enjoyment of the hour. He is a^rather oommon-plaoe-lookihg young man with side whiskers, blucher bootn, and a silk pockethandkerchief. She is the happy possessor of red hair, an enormOus dreas improver, and number eight shoes, or thereabouts Her head reclines peacefully upon his manly bosom, his left arm encircles her sylph-like waist, as she, in dulcet tones murmurs, " O ' Arry, 'ow yer art do beat." i" With love for yon, Ameliar," returns " ' Arry." Away to my left remarks to his friend that, if " 'Arry'e • art" continues to throb at Buch a rate " Ameliar" stands a fair chance of having her brains dashed out by its blows. Our innate bashfulness, and the remarks of wagginh passenger to his friend tha " the man with a mouth like a tort pocket appears unwell," draw onr atten- f tion from the sentimental couple to the gentleman in question. We immediately recognise in the bilioua looking iv« dividual in a serge yachting suit, a white straw hat, and carrying a marine' glass, the passenger who has been humming ever since leaving the Jetty, " A life on the ocean wave.' At present he looks much as Mr Clemens must have done when— during 1 a certain period of seasickness that he underwent— he gave expression to the opinion that he had "thrown up his immortal soul." The band, consisting of a cornet with the influenza, a dilapidated harp, and a triangle, is driving our nautical passenger to the verge of suicide by giving vent to most discordant sounds intended to represent the popular music of the day. '' Tommy dear," BiJly and Anna Maria, are indulging in a little spasmodic dancing to the air of "He's got 'em on." THe materfaniilias is enjoying a quiet snooae, and the father of the hopetnl Billy is still engaged in the occupation of nursing the sticky-fingered infant. We arrive at ' Codfish Bay ' two hours after leaving the ' marine jetty,' diitance eight

miles ; this speaks volumes for the speed attained by the '• Cuttlefish ' " Codfish Bay ' is as uninteresting a threat as the ni'/St fastidious ooiild^dcswe, and we aie heaitily ghrt, foe once, to hear the •cieeqh of that demoniacal steam- w hUUe wluchjecalls us to the deck of the "•■• Cutttfeft's'h." The jonrne\ 'Mio'mrwardi is terribly tedious ; the I) m<l and Hilly are dispirited ' r . the, nauliuJ. gentleman- has disappeaied below; the wag has exhiubted his wag^ishness ; even "Airy 1 ' and "Ameliar" are silent. Whilst walking up the " Marine Jetty " we conchilly that the, "Cuttlefish" may be a favourite, hut, ou our word of honour she is not "fast;" that the S P.C X should charge ill c'uldien double fare; and that we lia\c made our fiist and last trip in an "excursion boat '