No Such Person.

Waikato Times, Volume XXII, Issue 1809, 9 February 1884, Page 2 (Supplement)

No Such Person.

He had a fiy-screen under one arm and a bundle of sticky fly-paper under the othe/ as he entered a Michigan avenue saloon yesterday and said : " Why don't you keep 'em out ? " " Who vash dot ? J> asked the saloonist. " Why, the peaky flies. You've got 'em by the thousand in here, and the fly season has only begun. Shall I put fly-screens in the doors ? " " Yhat for ? " " To keep the flies out." " Why should I keep der flies oudt ? Dies like some ahance to go around t und see der city, der same ash beoples. If a fly ish kept oudt on der street all der time he might ash vhell be a hor3e." " Yes, but they arc a great nuisance. I'll put you up a screen doer there for $3." II Not any for me. If a fly vhants to come in here, und he behaves" himself in a respectable manner, I have nothing to say. If he don't behave I bounce him oudt pooty queek, und don't he forget her 1" •' Well, try this fly paper. Every sheet will catch 500 flies." " Who vhanta to catch 'em ? " " I do—you —everybody." 111 don't see it like dot. If I put dot flypaper on der counter somebody comes along und wipes his nose mit it, or somebody leans his elbow on her and vhalks off mit him. It would be shust liko my boy Shake Jo come in und lick all der molasses off, to play a shoke on his fadder." " Say, I'll put down a sheet, and if it doesn't catch twenty flie3 in five minute 3 I'll say no more." "If you catch tweuty flies I have to pry 'em loose mit a stick und let 'em go, und dot vhas too much work. No, my frendfc; flies must have a shance to get along und take some comfort. I vhas poor once myself, und I know all about it." " I'll give you seven sheets for ten cents." " Oxactly, but I won't do it. It looks to me like shmall peeßness for a big man like you to go around mit some confidence games to shwindle flies. A fly vhas born to be a fly, und to come into my beer saloon ash often ash he likes. When he comes I shall treat him like a shentleman. I gif him a fair show. I don't keep an ax to knock, him in der headt, und I don't put some molasses all oafer a sheet of paper und coax him to come und be all stuck up mit his feet until he can't fly away. You can pass along —l'm no such person like dot." —Detroit Free Press.