SWALLOWING AN OYSTER ALIVE.

Waikato Times, Volume XIII, Issue 1099, 10 July 1879, Page 3

SWALLOWING AN OYSTER ALIVE.

(by a missourian)

At a late hour, the other night, the door of an oyster-house m our city was thrust open, and m stalked a hero from tbe Sucker State. He was quito six feet high, spare, somewhat stooped, with a hungry, anxious countenance, and his hands pushed clear down to the bottom of his breeches-pocket ; his outer covering was hard to define, but after surveying it minutely, we came to , the conclusion that his suit had been made m his boyhood, of a dingy yellow linsey-wolsey, and that, having sprouted up with astonishing rapidity, he had been forced to piece it out with all coiors, m order to keep pace with his body. In spite of his exertions, however, he had fallen into arrears about a foot of the necessary length, and consequently stuck far through his inexpressibles. His crop of hair was' surmounted by the funniest littlo seal-skin cap imaginable. After taking a position, he indulged m a long stare at the man opening the * bivalves, and slowly ejaculated — " isters ?" " Yes, sir," responded the attentive speaker — '•and fine ones they are, too." ' Well, I've heard of isters afore,' said he, • but this is the first time I've seen 'm, and perhaps I'll know what thar made of afore I git out of town.' Having expressed this desperate - intention, he approached the plate and scrutinised the uncased smallfish with a gravity and interest which would have done honor to the most illustrious searcher into the hidden mysteries of nature. At length he began to soliloquise on the difficulty of getting them out. • I neverseed anythin' hold on so — takes an amazin site of screwin,' boss, to get 'em out, and aint they slick and slip'ry "when they does 'comej I've a good mind to give that feller lodgin', jis to realise the effects, as uucle Jes«s used to say about speculation.' ' Well, sir,' was the reply, ' down with two bits, and you can have- a dozen.' 4 Two bits,' exclaimed the sucker. * Now, come, that's sticking it on rite strong, boss, for isters. A dozen on 'em aint nothin' to a chicken, and there's no gettin' more'n a picaytinne a-piece for them. I've only realised forty five picayunnes on my first ventur to 'St. Louis. I'll tell yon what. I'll gin two chickens for a dozen, if you'll conclude to deal.' A wag, who was standing by, m. dulging m a dozen, winked to the attendant to sell out, and the offer was accepted. * Now, mind,' repeated the speaker, ' all fair — two chick.ns for a dczen you're a witn.ss-, mister,' turning at tbe same time to the wag ; ■ none gf your tricks, for I've heard tbat

you city fellows are raity slip'ry coons." The bargain being fairly understood, our Sucker squared himself for the outset* deliberately put off his sealskin, tucked up his sleeves, and, fork m hand, awaited the appearance of No. 1. It came — he saw — and quickly it was bolted ' A moment's dreadful pause ensued. The wag dropped his knife and fork with o. look of mingled amusement a?id horror— something akin to Shakespeare's Hamlet on seeing his daddy's ghost — while he burst into exclamation : i Swallowed alive, as I'm a Christian !' Our Sucker hero had opened his mouth with pleasure a moment before, but now it stood open. Fear — a horrid, dread of he didn't know | what — a consciousness that all was not right, and ignorant of the extent of the wrong — the uncertainty of the moment was terrib'e. Urged to desperation, he faltered out — • What on earth's the row V ' Did you swallow it alive ?' inquired the wag. ' I swallowed it jnst as he gin to me !' shouted the Sucker, ' You're a dead man !' exclaimed his friend, * the creature is alive, and will eat right through you,' added ho m a most helpless tone. ' Get a pisen pump and pump it out !' screamed the Sucker, m frenzy, his eyes v fairly starting from their sockets. •O, gracious !— what'll I do -it's got hold of my innards already, and I'm dead as a chicken ! — do something 1 for me, do — don't let the infernal sea-toad eat me up before your eyes.' 'Why don't you put some of this on it V inquired the wag, pointing to a bottle of strong pepper sauce. The hint was enough — the Sucker upon the instant, seized the bottle, and desperately wrenching out the cork, swallowed half the contents at a draught. He fairly squealed from its effects, and gasped and blewd, and pitched, and twisted as if it were coursing through him with electric effect, while at the same time his eyes ran a stream of tears." At length, becoming a little more composed, his waggish adviser approached, almost bursting with suppressed laughter, and inquired — ' How are you, old fellow, did you kill it?' •Well, I did, hoss—ugh, ugh o-0.0 my innards If that ister critter's dyin' agonies didn't stnr up 'ruption m me equal to a small earthquake, then 'tain, no use Baying it — it squirmed like a serpent when that killin' staff touched it ;hu'!' And here with a countenance made up of supressed agony and present' determination, he paused to give force to his words, and slowly and deliberately remarked, 'If yon git two chickens from me for ,that live anamal, I'm d — d !' and seizing his seal-skin he vanished. The shouts of laughter, and the contortions of the company at this finale would have made a spectator believe that they had all been swallowing oysters alive.