Wit and Humour.

Western Star, Issue 1540, 28 February 1891, Page 2 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

“ All persons leaving horses in my charge nil! be well cared for,” advcrt : ses a livery stableman.

When a man finds a button in his salad he will hardly take the excuse that it is part o£ the dressing. “ All men don’t think alike.” “ Why, of course not —some ‘ guess,’ o.hcrs ‘ reckon,’ and still others fancy’!”' “ Why, your husband sings all day long, like a bird.” “ Except when I ask for money. Then he talks short all nay, like a bear.” “ Anything else, mum ? ’’asked the butcher. “ Yes. Two loaves of sweetbreads and a home-made pie,” replied Mrs Honeymoon.

It is natural that there should be fewer women writers than men. Most ladies would prefer to appear in silk lather tbau print. On a Yi.it of Sympathy.—First sister—- “ Why don’t you cry?” Srcond Sister—- “ Can’t. Left my embroidered handkerchief at homo.”

“Do you distrust fat men, Captain?” “ Well, to, returned the old sea-dog ; “ not exactly, but I always give them a wide berth.” Hostess— ‘ I hope you are enjoying your dinner, Mr Fowler ? ” Guest—“ Yes, indeed. This country air has given me such an appetite that I can almost i at anything,” Mr W.—“ My dear. I don’t think you showsufficient veneration for old age. You will be an old woman yourself one of these days.” Mrs W. —“ Oh, yes; but it is such a consolation that I shall not be an old man.”

Moore records the story of Lord W saying in one of his speeches, “ I ask myself so and so,” and repeating the words, “ I ask myaolf.” “ Ye?,” said Lord Ellenborongb, “ and a d d foolish answer you’ll get.” “ Answer me, Clllra,’ , he sa'd in a moment of passion, “ I can bear this expense no longer ’’ “ Answer him, Clara,” echoed ihc old man in the hall,” thinking of the gas and coal bills; “ I can bear this expense no longer.”

Proud Father—“ Taken high degrees in your scientific course F Proud of you, my boy! By the way, can you prove that heat expands and cold contracts?” Graduate — “ Certainly. Dou’t the days grow longer in warm weather and shorter in wkter ?” “ You advertise to sell genuine milk,” said tho customer reproachfully, “and I discover unmistakab'e evidence that there is water mixed with it.’’ “ That m.y be; but the genuine mhk is there just the same,” was the reply. “ I know it, because I put it there myself! ”

Miss Touier —“ Ids very sad about Bliss Livingstone, isn’t it? She can’t play any more tennis this season ” Blr Spoater —“Has she injured herself?” Miss Tonier—“ No; but she’s just becon.o engaged to a manufacturer of tennis goods, and it would hardly bo good form, you know.” Edith—“ Cora Hatton lias very strong lik s and dislikes, and if there is anything she especially (■bominates, it is cowardice in men.” Ethel—•“ Yes. Youknow everybody s iys that the only reason she bad for not marrying Willie Jackson was that he didn’t have the courage to propo.e to her.” Litt’o James had been imparling to the minister the important and cheorlul information (hat his father had got a new sot of false teed). “ Indeed, James ? ” replied the minister, indigently. And what will he do with the old set ? ” “ Oh. I o’pese,’’ replied little James, “ they’ll cut ’em down aad make mo

wear ’em.”

A class in natural history was called up for recitation. The teacher talked to them awhile about the relations of friendship between man and animals, and then asked a girl—“ Do animals really possess the sentiment of affect! n? ’ ‘Yes, almost always,’ said the liit’e girl. ‘And now,’ said the teacher, turning to the little boy, ‘tell mo mint animal has the greatest natural fondm ss for man ? ’ ‘ Woman ’ said the boy.

‘ And, fellow citizens,’ continued the politi" cal orator, “ this is the parly of the psople ! This is the clean, honourable party! Where. I ask you, where are dishonesty, corruption, fraud, rottenness, blackguardism, and tho scum oi politics t) be found? ‘ Hear, hear, hear, hear,’ cried an enthusiastic man. ‘ Not by a long chalk! ’ said tho orator. ‘ There’a none of it here. Ids all in the other party ! Chuck ti e traitor out! ’ And he was thrown out, _____