Wit and Humour.

Western Star, Issue 1055, 12 June 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

It is a popular mistake to suppose that cigarettes are always made out- of sawdust. They a ro. occasion ally made but of tobacco. '■ A divine in Kent, seldom in church, but a rigid Justice of the Peace, 1 having a starving beggar brought.before bun, said surlily, "I'll teach you the law, you vagabond, I warrant you.*', "It-would be much more becoming," said the, poor fetlovf, "if you would teach the gospel." ;<' lf '''"'■' /'.•■'i; "'-' ' •■'» :':'-' ; ]

Scene— '■ Crystal Palace, London.—Yankee Visitor, (addressing a'polic6mari on duty;—" I calculate, stranger, that if they keep you much longer under this glass roof you'll be in a fair way of sprouting." Bobby (despondiugly)—- " No fear of that, guv'nor :they don't keep me moist enough." '■' ' '■ '•'' l; M''-ffgOT^rf 'A roan suggests that 'one side xat the tram cars be reserved for ladies'. One Side should also be reserved' for the man Sits' crOfls* legged And pcoupiea half the ti-a-n with hia feet, and that side should be the,outside.• j ~

.A ponderous jjoker in a mediraAjournMbaa demonstrated, .us plain,,as,, a;.problem:?of JSucjid, the reason,why women do.not whistle;. But they do'. ' Many' a,time and oft does 'the wife of ourbbsom,; wheh'she wants' 'bonnet,-have.'to whistlefbritov'* 9^&)ti ffi -■'■

• The Dutch have a singular contrivance ! to cure refuS3s to work,; they puVhim in a ; cistern and let ina sluice. of ; water.. It cornea in jast so fast that by' hriskly plying a .pumpj with Which the cistern is furnished, he keeps himself from drowning. ; ' ■■' - "■'■■'■ •>>'"

She: " Do' ybu make any reduction/ to clergyman?" Gallant 01d : Cunfectibner : '*Always;: 1 are you a .clergyman's, wife?; '.' She (blushing),: "Oh, noj I'm not married yet." G-. 0. C. (becoming interested);: '*Daughter, then?," She (blushing deeper) 1 : " No; but I—l am' engaged to a' theological student!" '-■ kit*?. 'piiwAWn -!'oru;v-''; "A gentleman having engaged a bricklayer to make some repairs ia nii.«eU(ir,' ordered the aleltb be-Temoted .before the bricklayer commenced his,work., "Qh, I'm not,afraid .of a garret,of, a'e, jaid the, man..'..*,',£ presume hot','' said 1 the 'gentleman 1 "'but T think 'a' barrbl' of ale' ; would rua ;: at" your apprbach."'' 'fitikoh vljlri - !f,,>i !■;<;;; {} ;i;

A' Teias cattl6niafltoartibd ; a ; refiaed young lady belonging to the best society of Dallas. A friend meeting him shortly after, ,his mar* riage congratulated him on his. happy fortune. "" It's all right, but I had tq make sacrifices,'* replied thb : newly-made' husband, head. j What ;! 'sacrifices t"■'■'■ ♦*l bad to : give up going to bed with- my > boots and spurs on when I came ■hpme;tired." ■■'■> j:-- ;;);•,.;

i An i amateur named« Pluhke'tt was I acting in Dublin as Richard,.fll.\ ,.The audience were in fits of laughter from the beginuing-tP the end. , When he aaid in Q-loater's solilqquy, '■" Why, T can smile, 1 and murder' while I smile" the response"'from the'pit wasV'-'Oh, hy the; powers,, you can,!"■ i To. bis;question, '■' Am I then, a; man to. be. beloved P.' answered, "Indeed; then, you are not !*'. . .Mrs Hose Schaumbu: g is a. very candid woman. 1 Tiiere were several lady friends from Q-alreston at ; fche house a'l'ew day's ago;- Mose was not present,; being down at; the-store. 11 How is your husband's pishneas coming on?'' asked. :one of the; .visitors.,,,,',' if ot so,-, gpot ss,l vants -j Every,qace in ja vils he gets qne 6t his honest spells, then, ve hardly ihakes expenshee. Yo'uddfftkhow'hVw 'pad I'Teisls when-Mbse gets one of dose honest: This is howr ah-Tllihois editor apilogises Co" a widow whom'; he .had We feel that-ati. apology.,is" due ; 4oj- Widow;>GrrJmes. In our issue: of, last week we,. stated that she bad eloped, with" an eightßen-year'-old''man« The'truth "is thai i! sho 'was thrown from'ah eight-year-old 'm'aVei which* Bhe was riding in a lopa, and which slipped and felt. Mistakes will happen in the ibest. regulated newspaper offices, and we are confident, that «vheu we state the item was sent over a telephone wire, nb'o'ther apology'will he heeded,'''' , :yii,f '-'l£ A woman called at one of the book stores the other day, and said she would like to look aWome ''chromos," as she wanted* something to please Harvey, : whj has worked on the, farm all,. summer,; and, should bo rewarded. ."AnytshiPS religiousP'' asked" .the clerk,'as he'ran over a lot of suoh'cnrombs ahd ehgrayingsi v,; Wall/ no, nbt:eiactiy're« Jigious," she answered. •" Home of it might be Bolemlike,'; but down in the'corner there ought to be a dog-fight, or a man failing.off. a barn, or eurnthm' to kinder interest the young mind."' V '"' J '' " ;: :1 '' ; '' " ' r '

i .lately a nigger in, the,.^eit,lndies,,who had heen married/to his swarthy sweetheart by one of the missionaries, at the end dffcliree Weeks brought his wife back to "the clergyman, and desired him .to take her again. The clergyman asked,.what was the, matter,.with her, .''Why| masea, she no Thejwok says she obey hie. 1 She no wash my'clothes. Sue nci d 6 what I want her ttf'db"' ;r Xhe Minister— ,|( But v the book says you were to take her, for .better or, for worse;",, -"'Yea, masia, but she all worse ;and,no better. She hab too much worse, and no good at all."', , . " Yes, the picture ain't at all bad," said the purchaser eyeing, it with the: air of a .c'oanoissiurj the 'ouse is pretty, aad the trees is nat'ral, while the perspective does you credit.' ' The artist bowed beneath the weight: of all these compliments. The purchaser pro» oeeded j—" Now, for what do you suppose I could get Oopperson, the animal painter,.to fix in a couple of co>?s in the foreground, to complete the, thing a bit." "Well, you'd spoil the picture; but I dare say he*d do it for sixty pounds;" ;" Sixty pouuds> man! Why, I could get real live 'uns fw that!" "Yes, no doubt, but they wouldn't, be so fttt.'.„.:';,' ;,,.-;., , M , ..,,, ~.. '!'•" ■'" ~;;•" Some years ago there lived in a. town in Abordeensuire an oid house-carpsnter or." wrigiit," who possessed a degree of shrewd wit in ordia* ttry conversation. In making, some 'repairs upon the parish* cauroh, he was proceeding one day down the street with a batten on his shoulder,. whenthe. minister accosted.; him -~" Weel, John, what's that ye're carrying?,'!* John at once replied, "It's just ane,o' the supports o' the Kirk, sir." The minister' did not altogether approve of the levity of the answer, and replied, "John,l hope ye dinfiii think that'B a right thing for' a jest f" •;Deed,, no, sir; no for a jeest; it's for ll pillar!" John had the best of it. A few days ago, after a couple of s esteemed citizens, who are ; close, neighbours,.. had arranged to pass a few days with their families at a lake in Scotland, one of them offered to wager a box of cigars that he would catch'the largest fish. The wager was promptly taken, and the next .day. one of the gentleman put in an appearance ut a fish stand on the : market, and said to the dealer: "Have you got a fresh salmon weighing about fifteen pounds?" "I have sir." "Well, I want you W put him ou iae, and ship him to me at—lake. I;propose to catch him on a hook out there." " Very well, j sir ; 1 think I'll ,siiip t the two together!" "The two?" "Yes, sir! 'ffljk ——(mentioning the o;hjr esteemed citiaeti) was here an hour ago,'and bought one weigh* ing twenty pounds !: It, will take leaisiceih the same box!" The fish, were paid fo«j.b»6 the bet was