Wit and Humour.

Western Star, Issue 987, 3 October 1885, Page 1 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

“ That is a sweeping argument,” remarked a husband whoso wife used a broom to ' convince him that he ought to have been boms several hours previous. The homeliest girls as a rule, are selected to sing in Chicago church choirs. They 'console the pew-holders to their fate of sitting facing the preacher, with their backs to the choir;

They make cream by machinery* “Fact is, cows have become so lazy that, were it not for the pump, the chalkpit, and the Goddike intelligence of man, the dairy would soon become an obsolete institution, ■" I *'

Young men, it isn't alwrijs the girl who* looks'loveliest -in'the soft, sweet shadows of the darkening twilight who takes that beauty with her in the grim, grey morning, as ebo wre’stleawit!h a kitchen stgve. ; , , , v .

A doctor and a military officer became on* amoured of the same lady. A friend; asked her which of the two suitors she intended to favour. She replied that “it was difficult for her to determine, as they were bath such killing creatures,’

A Chicago paper has a column headed “ Births, deaths, marriages, ■ divorces, and elopements.” This is a specimen of its notices under' the'latter head; “From Carthage, pear Cincinnati,' Feb. 1. Mrs! T. Horton, thirty-eight years old, with a fat boy of seventeen, name unknown.” • '»’• * f »' ■ ■- ; : “ '

Domestic, newly engaged,'presented' h!#' master one morning a pair of hoots of which the leg of one was much longer, than that of the [other. “How comes it, Patrick;.that these boots are riot of the same length?” said the- master. :I really don’t know,'' sir'y but what bothers me. most is, the pair down stairs are in the same .fix.

Edith: ** Hera is a’pretty poem, entitled I He and I,'by Adelaida Proctor. Who is" she?”< Mabel :,-!*, A well-known writer- -You certainly have heard other” Edith:*! Oh! of course j .but I mean where does she live ?’* Mabel: ‘‘ I don’t know, but she is evidently not an Eastern girl, judging from the title*of ‘ that poem.” Edith in 1 * Why, how does ■ the • title indicate that she is. an Eastern girl P” * Mabel: •' Were she an Eastern girl the s title would not bq 1 He and I,’ ” Edith : “ Indeedi Why, what would it be ?" Mabel ': “ Me and Him,”’ ' • - t Ji! , , ; '* ;• A Groat George-Street plumber had an Irish lad in his employ, and one day, haying occasion for a piece- of zinc, ordered 'hiri to get one twelve inches ■Yes W, ,f said Pat, *‘twelve inches square }, hub how l long-F”

( .... f He was a Dutch barber on a corner's ■’ja<y; iV “hd after sitting quietly (or an hour 'during the inquest, .arose, peered into the face 'Of the corpse, and then, turning to the ipot o£, the jnry,- said: i: “ Mein Qott , dot raah uh dead 1 Let’s go home.” : !

• ■- ; I.MHV ’ i A Renowned clergymanin Fifeshiro lately, preached a Ibng sermon from the text, " Thou • Art weighed in the balance and fouhdi Wbhte ' ing.” After the congregation ■ had listened about an hour, soma began to get Weftpy went out. Others soon followed,’ gteally to the annoyance of the minister.’. Another iger?i son started, Whereupon the parson, stopped inhis sermon and said, “That’Mo right, gentleman, as soon as you are weighed pass ' out !’* yie rest stayed, ■' * . . .■ . ; .

i A Five Dollar Joke,—A London weekly paper recently awarded a prize of £1 for the followingl—‘;‘ I was oat at a smaU' diiuter evening receeatly,'. A boy, ly frbin the green-grocershop, had j been ' engaged to do*the waiting. When hajpboed;« two dishestef tarts hostess, she probably thinking it inothertect 1 to ed ‘ what are these, Jaines?;?’ Whereupon the boy, pointing firstto tho one dish and then ; to the other, replied, * Theme a penny each, and theb’s two for threehalfpenoe,’ “ w ”.'.

A couple.offyaotical jokers, living»<• A big ’ * upland v faotel, bought a. terrapin while walk-v> ing, through the market ’ the, other ' day, and :' slipped it into the bed of a fresh arrival , who had ] ust registered. ! They watched that night until they ; saw thomew comer 'Befli'r In about .ten; minutes k> white; robed figure ' began shouting down :the eleyatop. «haffe’ifot r . fchcTahdiordi ’ When the crowd got vup#taijf«; / the victim ooaduatod the li’adlord to the bed. ’ and turneddown' the blOtheßi ’ "Miiter iflotel-keepar,” said; the ‘ .pointing to. .the terrapin,-" t i’m v fromf Nd W'.<* Jersey, audl oau atand most anything, bat's either that insect or me has got to take an•other room.” ■' w •: iiid.UA. Qold.—“ Ah, parson,,l wish Leonid- take my gold with me/* said a.dying mmto bis parson. ■ “ It might ipslt," was theponaoliug answer. •' • ! '

1 : At a recent public dinner in New, England, the.obairman asked t " la there a clergy manpresent f" “ No,” was the reply. -‘Let us thank ;<3od 1” said the obairm ili, ad he*" proceeded to the grace betore meat.’* - - At a ooart-martiah when questioned whether , hb had not given the lie to a censim person; 1 replied i V No ; I only said that eit ierTiiK dr 1 the coionel had told a lie, and, that I wak flora it wasn’t the colonel.

i “ What a fine-looking man that is 1” iiaid ' one gentleman to another, noticing a face kind, form that womd attrast attention' anywiure. v “ Yes," was the reply| “he looks like an encyclopaedia, bat'he taller like a primer,'!, Henry Bussell onoe goye a concert for the; distressed poor of Stourbridge, and swag pathetically “ There’s a (J-ood Time Oomuigi' after which a man in the garb of a labourer rose in the middle of the assembly 1 and ■ js* . claimed : “ Mr Bussell,, please, you couldn't fix the date, bould you ?" . 4is

A man who kept ah account of ber of kisses-exchanged with his wife since their union, consents to its publication, as follows!—first year, 36,500 j) -second year, 16,000 j third j ear, 8,350} four th year, A2O i fifth year, 2, Ho then left off keeping the record. v ■ :■<-■ ! p

Ain't hb got his mother’s nose# said tlfe * nurse. " Pretty ickle sing!” Pa bent down * 30 admire. "Ain'the got his papa’s whis* kers?’* sang out Tommy, the eldest boy. So, :j he had —svoh a han|£ul, ! As a murderer wa» about to be hanged the 1 ' ■other day in Indiana he nodded to the clergy* maa and aaid,|* I’Ji eAe you. later.” He diejct-lt unrepentant, and so the clergyman dosen’t, think the mangwillkeep-the appointment. Wa however, hold a dfferont opinion. The squire of a certain parish going the found of his domain, met with a poor navvy tree-' passing. “ What are you doing 1 hero, sir P ,,-i ' squire. “Don’t you know that no one is allowed to trespass here P” ■ . “ Wey, sor,” replied Willy, “ *w ■did’pt knaw, who’s grand it is j but awwn’yysa # m y %a, au’ aw muh bo <^someW^o> ?