Wit and Humour.

Western Star, Issue 962, 4 July 1885, Page 2 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

How to make a slow horse fast— "Dax't feed him.

A cologne bath is a sort of penny dip. It is one for a scent.

When some men crawl out of office they do not leave much of a hole.

" The Plains" have almost diiappeared from the great West. The railroad ex-Plains

When a man stays down at his office until midnight trying to strike a balance, he generally loses it before he gets home. • . During last year there were 189 murdew, in Ohio and 178 in Kentucky, Evil com*. munications corrupt gobd A Philadelphia, man who recently died, willed his body to a medical college.' Ttirt; is what is called a " dead give away." " The Sultan of Morocco has 1,000 wives, Solomon only had 700. But Solomon was a wiseman; he knew when he had enough.

"What will blacksmiths do when the forge goes out of date?" aiks a scientists They will keep right on setting typeijust the ; same. , . ..",., < .

"Her waste, iseuornnus." "Well, then, why don't yon get a pair of corsets ?" •' Oh«; you don't understand me. Nothing can stay her extravagance." 1 '• Let go my ear," yelled a passenger on a West J side street car yesterday: "I beg-. your pardon," said the other man, " I thought; I had hold, of the strap. , ~ ~,. One; of the Woolwich students, at his examination, being asked to give the meaning* of ahiit, excessii, erupit, evatit, replied,!; "Abiii—Ke went out to dine. JExcessit— He took more than was good for him. It violently disagreed with him. Etatit— He put it iown to the salmon," ; : j , ns TJncle-r-f Well, Ethel, you're been looking: at the fire a long time. What do you seo there ?" Ethel (dreamy little dear)—«' 6jj,, all sorts of things, uncle,—faces and people.'*' Johnny (practical, with an eye to " tips',"),— "Do you see the face of anybody there who'd give you half-a-crown?" ■ ? (117/ ; ' Bridget (to the head of the house)—The coachman has eloped, soor. Head, of the house—Great Ccesar ! My .daughter, eh, slaughter,! Bridget—Shure an| its not, yer. daughter; it's the missius. Head of the house—-Howlong ago? Bridget—foivemin" utes, soor. Head of the house—Too late 1 too late! -■ A '..-.: ,'.'•.- u:?vmi>

A rather venerable lady countess married l a man who did not belong to the nobility. ;•• How did she come to marry him? She has a title and he has not," remarked one gentleman to another. "I don't know for.' certain, but I expect she preferred to have a 1 husband without a title than to have a title without a : .husband.. j;uj •;■•■■ • ,if;i •/■■■•v nmi

Philanthropist i " Here, here, atop that/ What are you doing to your little brother?' Boy:;' Ain't doin' nothiu!." i " Why does he,; cry so, * 'Cause,l. took his candy" from him." " But didn't you have some' candy; -too?" "Yes, but I ate it'*Jl upi"! " That gives you no right to rob' your little i brother."." Yes it do. I am a Socialist, I: am." , ! : . 1!;!j " Here is something I just dashed off, und my friends are so delighted with it, that. a 6 their earnest request I brought it to you. They are all subscribers to your paper." And ; he slid contentedly into a chair just vaoated by an enchauge fiend. "Do you write much of this sort of stuff ?" enquire i the, editor. "You wish to kno n, I suppose, if I often ascend into the realms of poesy P Yes, Very often, and all my poems are highly praised by my friends. They call me the American Keats." "Ah! I sinoerelyf : hope -you;will emulate his emample." " Oh, thank you,' " Yes, Keats died young." • t : . tjj ~*j '• His nose was red as a danger-light And his eyes were sunken and dim {':.' He called for rum and at onoa he filled The tumbler up to the brim. .i Aut the barkeeper drew the tumbler back. As he glancei the customer o'er,, } " ; ' f;v; And 'said, '• my friend, yon have made a mil* , take. '' '■' '";' "Y ' We don't keep a wholesale utdre." r ' tf ' a'MINING OAMP TBAGWD*. |l "

-Miner." W-j'sin'.' r'lnsw Gorn-oob pipe. ■ ->{'§ •Keg of giant,powder*.; ■ ,; ( ; .-■■-;: < >...!• I The gathering darkness. ; •, *'■##/ § ■ • ';■'•'";#, ■'.',; Phizz-boom; : #*#••• • :. • The gathering darkness, t N •' i\\\i "This is a sad, sad world," murmured Deacon Goodman, as he mechanically unlocked the' door of a corner cabinet. "Indeed it is, indeed it is," assented Deacon Betterman, sympathetioall j. "No j oy''is" unalloyed.!' . " True, very true," answered*'DeaconiCS-obd* man, as he put some sugar into two glasses and added some liquid from a black bottle* " ioulikeyours this way, I suppose* brother?*' \ " Yes, yes/' was the sad reply. ?f,W«,..aU;. have to take the bitters with the' sweet."' N icholas Hill, the brightest lawyer probably that ever praoticed at the County Bw, was a :. bluff; hearty, manly fellow, who always* laid : what he meant and meant what hesaioi ftQf i$ deep, acute, logical mind, he was frank withal* and could never successfully dissimulate; .or,-f conceal his true sentiments. An amusing ia« stance' of this is given, when, upon a certain occasion, he apologized to a politician (we will call him Brown) for speaking of him in rather harsh terms at a great political meeting 1 of those days. : "Brown," said he, "I feel that I have, said a great many bard things about you; and now that all the old issues are buried follies of the champion at an end, I feel that I ought to make an apology to you for what has happened, and have it ■ settled up."' '■ Oh, don't mind that," replied Brown;'Met it pass. If you keep quiet in future I shall be satisfied." " No, no" persisted Hill j " I've called you a public thief, a lis*"' and a scoundrel." "Never mind, 1 beg of you," was the polite answer. " But I do,'* rejoined the lawyer; "Ihave called you a villain, a scoundrel, a triokster, and—and— - I'll be hanged if I don't think so still."* It is not narrated that Brown laughed heartily *fc the candour of his legal friend. ' •*< ■'• !

A GOOD HAS Dry Goods Merchant .•' JJo air, you think you could lea-nro become a salesman P" Yes, > sir.' ' Well, suppose you were waiting on that - man and his wife over at the lace counter. What would you do first ?" I should hold up the best piece of lace in the stook and agk the man if he didn't think it becoming to his daughter's style of beauty.' > , « Well, what then ?' * Oh, nothing*, th« - woman would take care of the rest of it.' ~ Young man, I don't want you for a clerk, I want you for a partner.' HIS MONUMKNT3. An Ambitious dootor was complaining abott the ingratitude of the publio toward his pnf ssion. He said, bitterly s«Statesman, general artists and scientists all get monuments erect- • - ed to their memory j but who ever heard of a doctor having a monument ?' \ ' Why dootor you count those monument! cut in the churchyard; t Don't taejr wki% ; Miythjtig f \