Wit and Humour.

Western Star, Issue 946, 9 May 1885, Page 1 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

The Egyptian question—Are the camels coming ? She—What are you thinking of? He— Nothing. She—Egotißt. " I've joined the Fenians," said Smithes he went to dinner. " I'm going to dine a mite." Nothing surprises a man more than being killed when he expects to kill somebody..

One-half of the world doesn't know how the other half lives. And'tis just as well. It saves a deal of gossip.

"Shall I give you a quarter or a half portrait ?" asked the artist of Mr Vander* gould. " Give me a whole portrait, sir. Money is no object with me."

Some men remind us of the moon; That fact is clear as wool— You probably have noticed it— They're brightest when they're " full."

A man said to his aged mother, speikiug of his wife, " I do wish I could keep Mary from exaggerating so." "Get her to talk about her own age," responded the shrewd old lady. "If you don't keep out of this yard you'll catch it," said a woman to a boy. " All right," answered the gamin, " wouldn't have come in if I had known your folks had it." " Are you going to keep house ?" asked Mr Williams of the newly married dry goods clerk. "Keep house? should say not! It's all I can do to keep my wife. Jones—You say there is a soft side to every man? Smith—Maybe there is; but when the inevitable happens at the skating rink it is always off on a vacation. If there is anything above ground more thoroughly permeated with blissful; serenity than a woman with some new clothes, it is a boy just learning to whistle. A clothing dealer hung out an overcoat for. a sign, and marked thereon, "Hands off,l Beware I" A thief observed it, and shoulder.; ing the responsibility, remarked: Hands on I Beworn."

" Did you take me for a fool when you married me F" cried an angry husband in the thick of a domestic quarrel; to which the wife meekly responded—" No James, I did not; but then you always said I was no judge of character, don't you know ?" ■ . \[ ■'■ I How long a call should be is a question that is of tea agitated. Certain calls, those of the favoured one, can never seem too long. But it is safe to say that an ordinary friendly ! cad that endures from 7.30 to 12 and 1 is enough to wear the welcome out. A clergyman was rebuking his congregation for deserting him on a charity-sermon Sun* day. "Why is it," he asked, "that 4;o-day r the church is full, and this day week because there was a collection, it was simply einpty P" " Cos yer don't give tiok!" shouted a voioe ' from the free Beats. " •! ■ >-■• : \

EATING SOOT. . , A man just arrived in New York Tried hard to eat soup with a fork } But after awhile He learned that his style ; Created considerable talk.

A friend took occasion to state .'.-.' That he'd never get through at that rate } When he took up his soup; With a cyclonic scoop, •',.,► And drank it all out of the plate* - : : • j " No," said the Vermont deacon, ,? I don'k improve of hoss raoin', and when another;. ' member of the church becomes so godless as - to try to pass me ou the road comiug home .' from the meetin', t feel it my duty to let put a little on the reins, just to keep him from puttin' his trust in earthly things," In the steamer, oh, my darling J; i • - • When the foghorns scream and blow, And the footsteps of the steward Softly come and softly go j '.". '•' When the passengers are groaning - ' With a deep and sincere woe. . : Will you think of me and love me ; As you did not long ago. ,',- r

In the oabin, oh, my darling 1 \''<{■ ; Think not bitterly of me, ... ..-." •: Tho' I rushed away and left yott .'■ In the middle of pur tea, ~. I was seized with sudden longing ', To gaze on the deep blue sea; It was best to leave you then, dear 1_ ; Best for you and best for me, " I'm eair fashed wi' a singing in my head, John," said one man to another. "Do ye ' ken the reason o' that ?" asked the, other. " No." " Weel, it's because it's empty,'.' said John. "Aye, nion, that's queer," said the first one. " Are ye ne'er fashed wi' a ringin* in yer ain head, John?" "No, never," f answered John, "An do ye no ken the reason o' that P It's because it's crackit." The following punning verse is on a tomb* i stone in a Sheffield church-yard, erected above the grave of John Knott, a scissor grinder i. Here lies a man that was Knott born, .- His father was Knott before him. He lived Knott, and did Knott die, Yet underneath this stone doth lie, Knott Christened, '['/_ Knott begot, And here he lies, And yet was Knott. ■■•■' '' ; TAKEN AT HIS WOBD, " Mr Srnartman, that wretohed dog of your* digs and scratches in my garden all day,' chases my hens till they can't lay, and then howls and barks the live-long night." " Oh, well, tie him up, then, if he annoyt; you. I don't hear him. Haven't time to look after him myself, but if he bothers you tie him up." Three days later. Mr Srnartman has been j hunting high and low for his . dog the past forty-eight hours. ■, " Slowboy, I can't find my dog anywhere. Has he been about your place ?" " Certain. He's in my barn now. i Yott told me to catch him and tie him up." ' Srnartman goes into the barn and finds his dog " tied up "to a rafter fourteen feet from : the floor by a piece of rope five feet long. . Tableau, with red fire and slow curtain. A SOBEB MAN. " I plead not guilty, said a man who had been arraigned on a charge of drunkenness. "I was perfeotly sober." " The officer says that you were staggering along the street." " Possioly." \ ■--,,;■.■ " How do you account for it P" " Well, Judge, with me it is this way. I drank a great deal several years ago, taking regular sprees. Exercising a mighty effort I stopped, but ever since then, when the time for a spree comes around, I stagger like a drunken man."

" Very unfortunate, really, but the example ' was just as bad a 9 though you had been drunk, I won't fine you for being dru.uk-"'' " I'hauk you, Judge." «gns win mm y n fos you* uteggwjpjjt"