Wit and Humour.

Western Star, Issue 932, 21 March 1885, Page 1 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

He who wculd eat the egg must first break the frhell.

Paste it in your hat that people of the highest position a-’d greatest importance, M a rule make the least trouble.

A w iter on style says; “It is the fashion in France for ladies to take tea in bonnets and gloves." One objection to this is, that some of the new bonnets do not hold more than a lump of sugar. Dcotor;—“ Allow me, professor, to.introduce to you the oldest man in our town; be is nine'y-seven years of age, and a chimney* sweeper by trade’” Pro f essor:—“No wonder ; smoked flesh keeps a long while."

Said a matter-of-fact man to an esthetic damsel who was talking about; “beautifying property The most charming decoration for a plate is a good piece of beefsteak, with well-cooked potatoes, and just a sufficiency of gravy. It will!beat trailing-vines or ! a sun* flower, any day in the week."

There wns a h'ated discussion in a third ward hotel the other night; “ I telllyou, sir,” said one of tha disputant*, “I tell! you,.sir, “There is one law that no man,, no people can change." “ What is that P”’ “ Mother* in-law.”

The remains of an: English traveller had been, exhumed for interment in * the- family vault. When the coffin was opened, we started back in. affright. “'Why,. these appearto.be the bones of .a lion ”. “ Xesj” wpjiede nephew of the deceased;*with a sigh, that’s the lion that ate.himup; uncle’s inside of him!” A Philadelphia dude went to a olotbier’s with a photograph of himself in, a Prince Albert coat, chokercollar, and necktie .touched up with blue. A cane and hat were depicted on a side table. “ 1 want,a pair of panto,” said he, “to match that; coat and tie, anil please remember that the coat is light coloured —What can; you do me for ? A farmer who had engaged the services ofh son. of the; Emerald Isle, sent him but one morning to barrow a piece of ground,; Be had not worked, long before, nearly all tae teeth oa me out of the harrow. Presently the farmer went bat into the field to take notes of the man’s progress, and asked him KOW he liked h&rro wing. “ Oh;” he replied, it goes a, bit smoother now since the pegs are out,’*

An eminent savant was introduced at an evening party to a rather pert young lady. " Oh, Mr--—*,” she said, " I am delisted to meet you. I have so long wished to see you*’ 1 Well,” said the mwn of science, " and pray i what do you think of me now you hare seen ;me P" « You may be very clever/’r was; the ana woe, "but you are, nothing, to look at.”;

Bather—” What do you mean; byi staying out till midnight every night Son-—‘‘Ai* in the interests of economy,'sir, I assure you.” Economy ! What, do you mesa by that P”f Son—“ Well you see Pm a good dew of expense to you sir. I haven’t got the msUcyto pay board, but, by keeping out of bed till twelve or one o’clock 1 saye you a good deal in lodging.” A young friend of ours was. engaged ip teaching mutes.' He was explaining by signs the use and meaning of the particle " dis,” and requested one of them to write op the black board asentencoshowing her knowledge of the sense of the prefix. A aright lit* le one immediately stepped forward and wrote the following!— "Boys love topfay, but girls to dis-play. A lawyer who combines with the pleasure of '‘briefing’’ it, those of journalism, recently went up in a balloon with a celebrated aronaui. After the balloon had got into the clouds the lawyer fell out. Horror-stricken the balloonist descended to the earth, but only to find the lawyer sitting placidly on the ground writing an article, "How it feels to fall from the clouds.” He had fallen on his cheek.

“I dell’s you dose Rosenthal's fash a mean crowd. Levy Rosenthal got married last night, and I rash cot invited dot wedding to," said Mo e Shautn burgh to Gus de South. "I wouldn’t worry about it. Next time you wet married just leave him out, or don’t invite him to your funeral. That’s the way to get even with the hound.” “ Jfes, but just dink of dot meanness, Rosenthal vssh at miq* redding, anda'e more den anybody else.' 1 ratohed everydings he put in his moat.”

The recruits (conscripts) are being examined by the army surgeon t—Surgeon—“ Upon what ground do yon claim to escape eonsorip* tion?” Conscript—‘l am colour-blind.” Surgeon—“Ah 1 you are colour-blind, are you PConscript—“ Yes, sir, and so very bad that I can’t tell what colour the stockings are. which the Mayor wears.” Surgeon—“ Bul if you are so blind how can you see that the Mayor has stockings at all P” Conscript—” I don’t see themj 1 smell them.” Alb that too, A.Boston man got hold of a Westerner the; other day in hopes of getting tome consolation out of the look of affairs toward Sundown, but the man promptly replied» n ’ “ I tell you, things have just squatted out our way.” \ « Won’t wheat look Up a little, eh P “ Not a look,” *• Any new enterprises “Not so much as building & woodshed.” “ But do the merchants complain P” “ I should smile 1 They even hire folks to help ’em growl." “ Isn’t the railroad business a little more favourable P” “ Yes, they manage to run trains, but that’s about all.” “ Well, there must be some business in the West which holds it’s own,” persisted the Bostonian. “ How’s matrimony P" “Deadi-r’n Joseph ’s old boots'” was the of> nfid«ntial answer. “ A year ago you could have married anything and anybody, and counted oh six per cent, dividends, but the general depression has flattened matrimony nntil a widow worth 20,000 dollars has got to hunt a man down with a gun. 80K3 03? A SWBRT aim, OHAOtfAte. When I suspend my pedal hose Sanitary integument, Nooturnally my eyelids cloa< | In hypnoterioal content j Then surreptitious Santa Glaus, To introspect my domicile, Defies all gravitation’s laws And enters by the p ristyle. What new ecstatiral surprise Will agitate my diaphragm, When matutimliy my eyes Greet morn with ocular ralaam ? Shall my nerve centre be surprised With gifts of Renaissance verb, Gerasof pure carbon crystallized Or inormtated ormolu ? Or will my arohmsthetio soul Be grieved with presents infantine. An automate rigmarole Or mixed confections saccharine ? Sweet Saint, I want for this yulatida , No can-lies, toys, or childish trash, Rut Pactolus personified, . laothet word|'-»wealthj‘«i^ih l