Wit and Humour.

Western Star, Issue 903, 6 December 1884, Page 2 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

If a ship makes eight knot- an hour, how loug will she take to make a crochet collar ? “ They pass beat over the world,” said Queen Elizabeth, “ who trip over it quickly; for it is but a bog—if we stop we sink.”

“ Love,” says an amorous writer, “is an internal transport,” A contemporary remarks : “ The same may be said of a canal boat.”

The patent fish-pole, with self-register attachment, showing the exact numbe>* of fish caught with it, displays great inventive skill; but it doesn’t sell worth a cent.

A mother writes that her little girl, seeing her father tap maple trees, asked—“ Why not tap apple trees to get cider ?” that would only be acting like a great many people who, in their haste to arrive at coveted results, are perpetually attempting to anticipate the processes of nature.

Some few years ago a penny subscription, suggested by the publication of “IJnclo Tom’s CabK,” was set agoing to aid in the emancipation of slaves. Among the collectors was a young lady, said to have been a niece of Dr Guthrie, who upon her rounds called upon an old lady in the good town of Brechin. The lady told her what she had called upon her for—a penny for the Uncle Tom testimonial. “ Dear me,” exclaimed the old lady, " What’s the matter wi’ yer Uncle Tam that ye’re seekin’ a penny for him ?”

In a trial.at Dumfries for a theft of nails, the manufacturer and owner of the nails, the witness to identification, was so assured of their being made by him, that Mr (the lata Lora) Jeffrey, counsel for the prisoner, could by no means shake his testimony. “ How is it possible for you, sir,” urged the learned advocate, “ to distinguish this parcel of nails from this ?” (showing him another parcel of the same size and description.) “ Just as you distinguish one handwriting from another,” replied he. “ That’s a nailer !” L cried a voice from the gallery. “ Mister Schmidt,” said a German recently, as he entered a Pittsburg merchant’s office, '• I haf der sohmall pox ” “ Great heaven, Mr Schneider,” was the hurried reply, “ don’t come here!”—and the clerks disappeared in various directions. “Vot’sder madder mitt you fellers ?” pursued Schneider. “ I haf der sohmall pox full of butter oud in mine vagon voc Mrs Schmidt ordered last wick alreaty I”

Pigs feet— 44 Janet, go and see if the pork batcher has any pigs’ trotters,” says a mistress to a new servant just come from a remote part of the Highlands. The girl goes; re* turns after a short time, and says :—‘ 4 I dinna ken if he has pigs’ feet, mum ; I could na’ see.” “ Well, but what did you say,” asked the mistress. 44 1 said nathing; I just looked at him wee), but I could na' see— he'd got boots on.”

44 What would you do if you were me and I were you P” tenderly inquired a young swell of hie lady friend, as he escorted her home from church. 44 Well,” said she, 44 if I were you I would throw away that vile cigarette, out my cane for firewood, and wear my watchchain underneath my coat." Some years since the widow of a poor man, accidentally drowned under London Bridge, applied to a curtain vestry, that gave her an 1 order on an overseer for relief. The entry on his book was made in the following words ■« Paid to a woman whose husband was drowned by order of vestry, under London Bridge, £1 Is.” The man that has half an hour to spare generally drops in and occupied a half hour that belongs to some other man. A little boy of four was sleeping with his brother, when his mother said, 44 Why, Tommy, you are lying ia the middle of the bed I What will poor Harry do ?” 41 Well, ma,” he replied, 44 Harry’s got both sides.” Young Smith is greatly smitten with the charms of Miss de Moni, whose excessive modesty is only equalled by her father’s wealth. The affection, however, is altogether one-sided. One day last week, as he was 44 sitting out ” an evening, urging his suit, he accidentally laid his hand on the sharp end of a perpendicular piu. 44 —that pin!” ha exclaimed on the impulse of the moment. Seeing at once that be had made a mistake, he inquired, after a long and awkward pause, 44 Miss de Moni, did you hear what I said P” 14 Yes, sir, 1 did,” was the response. 44 Well,*' returned he, 44 You rnusa’C believe all you hear.”

THEY DROVE HIM 1% The owner of a place on Selby street appeared in front of his house one morning with a step-ladder and a saw and began the work of trimming up his shade trees. While he was at the first limb a pedestrian halted aud queried—- " Going to trim your trees, eh P” “ Yes.” “ Dm. I see. First-rate time to trim trees. Em, Erectly.” He hadn’t gone two blocks away before number two came along, aud called out—- “ Going to trim your trees, eh P” “Yes.” “Ah! I see. Ought to have waited a month later.” The limb was off when Ho. 8 halted, stood for a minute with his bauds in his pocket and then asked—- “ Going to trim your trees, eh P” “ Yes. “Oughtto have doue that lest month.” . Ho. 4 said that April was the proper month. No. 6 wouldn’t trim a tree except in May. No. 6 thought November the beat time of the year, and so it went on until every month in the year had been named and there were five or six individuals to spare. Before the first tree was finished the seventeenth pedestrian halted, threw away the stub of his cigar and loudly demanded t—- “ Going to trim your trees, eh P" The man hung his saw to a limb, got down off the ladder, and spitting on his hands he walked oloae up to the inquirer and said—- “ Supposing I am! what are you gniug to do about it ?” “ Oh, nothing,” answered the other as he dodged around a pile of brick j “ I was just going to ask if you used tar or porous plasters to cover the scars P” “ The citison got his saw and ladder and disappeared in the house, and the rem under of the work will be done at night.

HOW HE CAME TO MIS 3 A OOMPANION OF Hid YOUTH. Returned prodigal—“ Dear, dear! how little the old farm has changed.” Honest Farmer —“ Very few changes have been made, my son. You will find things protiy much as you left.them 20 years ago. Over there is the apple tree you planted.’' “ Yea. the same tree, only larger; and there is the dog-house i made for the new pup.” “ Yes; poor Carlo 1 He died of age ten years ago. Teat dog you see is his grandson.” *• Aud over there is the chicken-house I helped to build for old Biddy’s drat brood.” Yes; pouf old Biddy I 1 wish Iliad you were coming homo.” Why P” “ Be oause ]_ might have saved her; but there was such a demaud for spring chicken that X took he? the market wife,