Wit and Humour.

Western Star, Issue 861, 19 July 1884, Page 2 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

Speaking of the habit of close observation did it ever occur to you that women are clothes observers ?

To pay as you go is the best plofi, especially if the man in charge will not let you go till you do pay. A school teacher had a great deal of trouble in making a boy understand his lesson, a-d when he finally succeeded he drew a long breath, and said, “ Well, if it wasn’t for me you’d be the biggest donkey in this towu!” BACKWARD SPRING. “ In time I’ll give you a summerset,” Does the clerk of the weather sing, «' But just at present I am giving you An example of backward spring.” A bookbinder said to his wife at their wedding, “It seems that now we are bound together, two volumes in one, with clasps.” “ Yes,” observed one of the guests; “ one side highly ornamental Turkey morocco, and the other plain calf.” He—“ Before you give my old overccfct to that beggar, my dear, had you not better look through the pockets P” 1 She —“ When did you wear it last ?” He —“The latter part of March, I think.” She—“ Then I know there’s nothing in the pockets.” He —“ How so She—“ Because that was before you stopped drinking.” A Yankee wag said to a friend, “ Things are really come to a pretty pass in our town; all the ladies stopping at the Girard left the diuner-table yesterday.” “ Possible ? ’ said the person to whom the remark was addressed, greatly surprised. “ What caused them to do so ?” “ Why,” responded our friend, convincing himself that the coast was clear, “ they had finished eating.” A pass was made at him, but he dodged it.

A few days after Dickens’s death an Englishman, deeply grieved at the event, made a sort of pilgrimage to Gad’s Hill—to the home of the great novelist. He went into the famous Sir John Falstiff inn near at hand, and in the effusiveness of his honest emotions, he could not avoid taking the country waiter into his confidence. “ A great loss this, of Mr Dickens,” said the pilgrim. “ A great loss to us, sir,” replied the waiter, shaking his head; “he had all his ale sent in from this house ?” “ Doctor,” said a man who expected to get medical advice gratis from a physician whom he met on the street, “my son has had the nose-bleed (or several days. “ What would you recommend us to do?” “ I would recommend you to call a physician,” answered the doctor as he walked away. Court (to prosecutor)—“ Then you recognise this handkerchief as the one which was stolen from you?” Prosecutor—“ Yes, your honour.” Court And yet it isn t the only handerchief of the sort in the world. See, one I Lave in my pocket is exactly like it.” Prosecutor —•* Very likely, your Honour ; I had two stolen.” ,

A sharp reply.— * How do you feel, with such a shocsing-looking coat on ?’ said a young clerk of some pretensions to old Roger. • I feel,’ said old Roger, looking at him steadily with one eye half closed, as if taking aim at his victim—‘ I feel, young man, as if I had a coat on which I had paid for—a luxury of feeling which I think you will never experience.”

An author once inquired of a popular manager of a Loudon theatre concerning the result of the perusal of his manuscript; whereupon the other, having forgotten all about it, carefully opened a large drawer, exhibiting a heterogenous mass of documents, and exclaimed : “ There! help yourself. I don’t know exactly which is yours; but you may take anyone of them you like 1"

Mrs Pinks—‘‘Do you remember Mr Blinks?” Mr Finks—“ Perfectly.” Mrs Finks —*■ Well, he went to Europe to avoid a probable leap-year proposal.” Mr Finks —»' Well, what of it ?” Mrs Pinks—" He got caught in one of the recent disasters and was lost. If he had married he couldn’t have been worse off than he is now, could he P” Mr Finks—" Well, my dear, that depends on which place he went to.” Near enough.—How much do you want for the coat P

Levi Moses—Fifteen toiler. It’s vort de money. Yooat veel of der linin’ vunce 1 Customer—l tell you what I’ll do, old man j I’ll give you $3, cash. Levi Moses —“ Tree dollars 1 (reflecting). Yell, you take him j dot’s near enough.”

CANDOUE. "I know what you’re going to say,” she said, And she stood up lookimg uncommonly tall i “ You are going to speak of the hectic fall, And say you are sorry the summer’s dead. And no other summer was like it, you know. And can I imagine what made it so P Now aren’t you honestly ?” “ Yes,” I said. “ I know what you’re going to say,” she said. " You are going to ask if I forget That day in J uue, wnen the woods were wet. And you carried me ” —here she dropped her head—- “ Over the creek you are going to say. Do I remember that horrid day. Now aren’t you, honestly P” “ Yes,” I said. •I know what you’re going to say,” she ‘ said . 4 “ You are going to say that since that time You have rather tended to run to rhyme. And her clear glance fell aud her cueek grew red — “ An i have I noticed your tone was queer, Wliy, everybody has te m it here! Now aren’t you/bonestly P” “ Yes,” I said.

“ I know what you’re going to say,” I said. “ Your going to say you’ve been much annoyed, And I’m short of tact —you will say devoid— And I’m clumsy and awkward, and call me Ted, And I bear abuse like a dear old lamb, And you’ll have me, anyway, just as lam. Now aren’t you, honestly?" “Yes,” she said.

WANTED TO BE CREMATED. A Chicago man who seemed lying in £ue throes of death said to his wife : «• I believe I would like to be cremated.” '• I don’t think you can be,” with tears rolling down her cheeks. A week later, when he was getting better, ha said : f *• What made you bc-lieve I could nofoe cremated ?” Y

<• The crematory could never reduce yjur cheek to ashes, dear. They cannot cremate brass, iron and metals, you know.” *• That’s a fact,” he replied, “ I had not thought 04 that,”