Wit and Humour.

Western Star, Issue 859, 12 July 1884, Page 2 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

It will probably turn out that the cup ihat cheers is a jolly tea. In what w!iy does money resemble gunpowder ? It is awfully hard to hold after it begins to go off.

Utter failures.—Nostrums to cure stammering and stuttering. • When are soldiers like fish in embryo? When they are all in a row (roe).

Pat wishes to know if the Italian MacO’Rooney he hears spoken of at the grocer’s was not born in Ireland. It was John G. Saxe who wrote:— Men dying make their wills, but wives Escape a work so aad ; Why should they make what all their lives The gentle dames have had P

Proof positive.—Cabby.—“ ’Ere y’are, sir —hansom ? ’ Echo boy —“ Drive on,.cabby. ’Es spent all ’is money on the excussion. Tried him just now with a heckar!” (Awkward for the captain, who had not been to Margate and back.) Holiday-maker—“ Come out for a stroll, old chap ?” Second ditto—“ Tramped to Brighton and back. Can’t walk. Sit down and smoke a cigar.” First ditto—“ “ ’Triked ”to Bristol and back. Can’t sit!” It is said to be a fact that a nobleman worked as a labourer on the railroad last fall. He may have been a wheel barrownet. The rival butcher boys.—First Boy—- “ Hallo, .Yankee Doodle! Why, your master sells nothing but American meat. Yah !” Second Boy—“ That’s right, old Foot-and-Mouth-Disease. He does, and gets full English price for it, too. Yah 1”

THE LATEST GEM. Farewell, dear girl, farewell, farewell, I ne’er shall love another ; In peace and comfort may you dwell, And I’ll go home to mother. To make R mdy quail does not take much. Although in a gladiatorial trim ; And in the arena his tricks as such That his backers aree’en-a-shamedof

“Now, darling, will you grant me one favour before I go?” “Yes, George, 1 will,” she said, drooping her eye-lashes and getting her lips in shape. “ What is the favour I can grant you ?” “ Only a little song at the piano, love. lam afraid there is a dog outside waiting for me, and I want to scare him away.” A lady was caressing a pretty spaniel, aad murmuring, “ I do love a nice dog !” “ Ah!” sighed a dandy standing near, *■ I would I were a dog.” “ Never mind,” retorted the lady, “ you’ll grow."

Two grammarians wrangling, one contending that it was only proper to say, " My wages is high,” while the other noisily insisted that the correct thing was “My wages are high.” Finally they stopped a day labourer, and submitted the question to him, " Which do you say, ‘ Your wages is high,’ or ‘ Your wages are high ?’ “ Oh, off wid your nonsense,” he said, resuming his pick, “yer naythur of you right; me wages is low, bad luck to em.” Brown—“ What! smoking ? I thought you swore off.” Fogg—“So- I did, and I got along bravely until it came to me that this was leap-year. I hadn’t thought of that extra day. A fellow might be able to keep from smoking three hundred and sixtyfive days, but the man’s got to draw the line somewhere. You can’t expect impossibilities from a fellow.

A good story is told of Balzac. One night, while lying awake in bed, he saw a man. enter his room cautiously, and attempt to pick the lock of his writing case, i'ha rogue was not a little disconcerted at hearing a loud laugh from the occupant of the room, whom he supposed fast asleep. “Why do you laugh?’ asked the thief. “ I am laughing, my good fellow,” said Balzic, “to think whac pains your are taking, and what risk you run, in hopes of finding money by night in a desk where the lawful owner cannot had any by day,” Tne thief at once left.

TBS HEAT QUESTION. Both bread and potatoes are cheap. An advantage to all and a boon j Meat was never„ao high siooe that nursery

leap. When tne red cow jumped over the moon. No man is an antiquary in his own country .-“Scene—An interesting ruin. Fair Visitor (to Oldest Inhabitant) —“ (Jan you tell us which is the salljport?” Oldest luhabitauuie‘- Noa, ieddy ; a canna say a knows that, ieddy. Happen yow mean Sally Porter, owd John Porter’s darter?” Fait Visitor (shocked; —Sou don’t understand. I mean where the Roundheads broke in and sacked the place,” Oldest inhabitant—- “ Oanna say a oau tell ’ee, leddy 5 but it were just here where master broke out an’ sacked me. But he ware whatoi calls njora thick head than Round head.” (Oldest Inhabitant given up as hopeless). A fair damsel of the West according to the DitchJieLd Democrat, recently sent this note to uer faithful knight: “ Deer Will,—Doant kum to see mo eny more for a whial euy way. Faultier .has got awfully skeered about burglars, and he sits up every nice till late with a doubiebarelled shot-guu watching the back yard. He put moren a pound of lead into Brown’s Newfoundland dog which was cummin over the fens after a bone light night. Tne rose is red, the violet blew, I wouldn’t kum now if I was you.”

THE MOTHER-iN-LAW SPEAKS. Since Noah landed with his ark, Alas ! JL've been the patient mirk tor witticisms coarse and dark From pen and tongue, And since the paragrap tier rose i've been a stranger to repoje— My looks, complexion, gait and clothes Have ail bceu sung. No word for all the good I’ve done Of patient toil from suu to sun. To Help two greenies just begun A new career ; And what a husband ! what a bride! 4 She boils the fish that should be fried, Aud looks so bad sue runs to hide W hen friends appear. The drinking husband cannot bear His “ wife’s old mother sponging there?;” He quite forgets her tender care i When down with fever ; i And while she meets his many neecta*r His causes for late hours she reads In the smell of cloves and cardamon seeds That don’t deceive her. The paragraphers—heavy wits (?) Have but two themes for all their hits. The mule and mother-in-law; and it’s An easy matter To see that, as they are related Unto the first, they’ve rather hated To wound him, and discriminated Against the iatter,