Wit and Humour.

Western Star, Issue 787, 27 October 1883, Page 6 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

Some families find it more convenient to move than to sweep and scrub tie premises they are in. If an earthquake should visit this part of the country I would get right off the fence and sit down.

“ What shall we do to entertain our girls?” says a religious exchange. A man who needs advice as to how to entertain his girls is not fit to edit a religious paper. At a New York dinner one man gave his fork to another, with, “ Just stick that fork into that potato for me, will you?” His unneighbourly neighbour did as he requested, and left it sticking there.

“ 1 never pretend to know a that I do not,” remarked Brown. “ When I don’t know a thing I say at once, * I don’t know.’,” “ A very proper course,” said Fogg ; “ but how monotonous your conversation must be.”

A bibulous parson was introduced to a lady who had been represented to him as quite a talented artist. He greeted her by saying : “ I understand, madam, that you paint?” She started, blushed deeply, and recovering herself afeer a few seebnds, said, with.as much acidity of tone as : she could command: “ Well, if I do paint, I don’t make any mistake and put it on my nose.” Indianola has the meanest woman in lowa, if the Advocate-Tribune of that place tells the truth. A few nights since, when her daughter’s best beau was in the parlor, the old lady came in with a setting of eggs and asked him to hatch them for her, j udging from the amount of sitting he had done there that he was capable of complying with the request. A Cincinnati paper tells of Madame Materna’s introduction to the telephone as follows: “ The telephone was another new thing. I called up Chris Ahrens and told him a lady wanted to talk with him, and the next minute they were at it. All about Germany, and in German. Lord, how that telephone suffered ! The paint fell off the wires, and some of those seven-cornered words nearly broke the box. When they got through the telephone fainted.” The last sad rite: Making a will. A baby carriage is sometimes called a crycycle.

True merit like charity, bloweth not its own cornet.

Long prayers will not save a man who gives short weight. “ I am free to confess,” as the prisoner remarked when he turned state's evidence.

If you know a person who is a little green tell him to go walk in the sun. It will ripen him.

Some level-headed boys in Atlanta, Ga., have associated themselves together and have taken a pledge not to ice-cream any girl who bangs her hair. “ Cyclones are'after circuses” says the New Orleans Picaymbi It must be mighty poor picking for a cyclone where the (jjrcus has gone before.

A LITTLE BILIOUS. Oh! could I stand where Adam stood. And with ttie tempter grapple; Not Satan’s wiles or woman’s smiles Could make me eat that apple.

“ Never would call a boy of mine ‘ Alias ’ ” said Mrs Jones of Huntsville, A.a., V if I had a hundred to name. Men by that name is alius cuttiu’ up capers. Here’s Alias Thomson, Alias Williams, Alias the Night-hawk-all been took up for stealin’.”

The craze on electrical study is beginning to bear fruit | ‘‘Are you the conductor?” asked a lad on an excursion train. “ I am,” replied the courteous official, and my name is Wood.” “Oh, that can’t be,” , said the boy *• for wood is a non-conductor.”—The boy assumed of course that Wood was" dry.”

A successful strike occurred when the Richmond night express train struca a negro walking on the track who got a glimpse of the locomotive’s head-light just before being landed in the woods a dozen or two yards from the roadline. Hisfirst conscious words were; “ For de Lord’s sake, boss, who flow oat lantern at me ?”

“ Has yer heerd what happened last week to G-abe snodgrass ?” “ I haint heerd nolfin about him sence he luff Austin last week.'*. “ Two trains run togedder, and Gabe’s head was cut clean off.” “ Well I aint s’prisod at hit. l)e las’ time I seed him he Was lookin’ mighty poorly, and was complainin’ of a misery in his chest, and he had a mighty spishous lookin’ gumboil on his neck,” A TIRED WOMAN’S EPITAPH. Here lies a poor woman who always was tired. Who livedin a house where helpwas not hired Her last words onearth were—“ Dear friends, I am going Where washing aint done, nor sweeping, nor sewing i But everything there is exact to my wishes, For where they don’t eat there’s no wasning up dishes. I'll be where loud anthems, will always be

ringing But, havmg no voice I’ll get clear of the

singing. Don’t mourn for me now don’t mourn for

me never I'm going to do nothing for ever and ever.”

PRECAUTIONS AGAINST CHOLERA.

A middle-aged negro who seemed to be labouring under considerable excitement halted a policeman on Lamed street yesterday, and asked i “ tiay boss, what ’bout dat ’Gypshun cholera de papers am makin’ sich a fuss ?"

“ Why they have tue cholera over there,” was the reply.

“ Au’ she s gwine to spread to di-sjkentry ” “ it may.”

“ An’ dey say it's powerful hard on de cull’d populasuun. Man up Woodward Avenue tole dat it jumped rigatober waits tolks to get at a blacX one.” “ I believe th it’s so.’, t

“ Wall, Ize gitten’ ready fur it. Ize carrying an onion in each breeched pocket. Women on de market tole me dat was a sure stand off.” “ I shouldn’t wonder.”

“ An’ dze drinkin’ a cup full o’ vinegar wid kyann pepper sprinkled in. Hardware man tole me dat was a boas thing.” “Yes’

“ An’ Ize soakin’ my feet in sour milk free nights in a week an' rubbin’ my spine wid kerosene ile. Butcher up in Michigan avenue tole me dat was u sartin preventive.” - f should think it was.”

“ An’ ize got tarred paper an’ cut out soles to wear mmy bates. I reckon it won’t get through tnat tarred paper. Au’ Ize chewin a gum made of beeswax an’ taller, wid a little camphor gum rolled in. An’ Ize bin bled twice in de last month, an' bad a tooth pulled, an’ my ha’r cut au’ my photograph taken, an’ i reckon if de cholera comes irisidu’ around Detroit 1 needn’t be oneway,” ~rDetroit Free Frew, ' '