Varieties.

Western Star, Issue 336, 14 February 1880, Page 7

Varieties.

An official in this State recently made a return fco the query : “ How many inmates who can neither read nor write P” in the terse ami expressive answer: “Nun.” Probably no man so fully realizes the hollowness of life and human ambition as the man who ladles a teaspoonful of new-laid-horse-radish into bis mouth, under the impression that it is ice cream. “The only real bitter tears,” says some one « are those shed in solitude." You may bet your life that philosopher never saw a ten-year-old boy coming out of the wood-shed in company with hia father end a skate strap. Thera are two hundred and twelve fire insurance companies in Massachusetts, and when a man’s house catches' fire in the old Bay State be runs as hard as his legs can carry him, and retains a lawyer before he gives the alarm. “ Why ?” We didn’t say why, we only said he did it. An exchange speaks of a dealer being left on Saturday night with five hundred quarts of strawberries “on his hands.” A man witli so many strawberries on his hands would be more readily recognized in case he was a “ long lost che-ild,” than one with simply a strawberry mark on his arm. A principal of Yassar College stepped suddenly into one of the recitation rooms and said, “ That person who is chewing gum will please step forward and put it on the desk.” The whole school stepped forward with one accord towards the desk, while the teacher slipped her quid beneath her tongue and said : —‘ Leally, guls, I’m surpriseld!’ The man who will cheerfully give twice what he knows his clothes- to be worth, and wlm will lay out 2dol. or 3dol. to take his girl to a picnic and think nothing of it, will go literally wild and think it’s about time for the world to come to an end, when a sun-burnt, shock haired man in a ten cent straw hat demands a quarter of him for the use of a rowboat lor an hour. A poem in an exchange starts off with “ This, this is June !” As Dick Deadeye would say, this is “ important information.” The many persons who were labouring under the impression that it was the first week in January will be •gratified to learn that it is June—the month of roses, cucumbers, porgies, golden wheat fields, wormy cherries, and other vernal and infernal things. “ One of the most successful base ball players in Milwaukee is a black dog, who plays right field.” We thought the game was “ going to the dogs.” This black dog may be an expert in catching a ball, but when the umpire decides against his side he can’t sit on a fence and swear with the fluency of a Kearney, and threaten to mash the head of any fellow who says the decision is ju«t. The human base ball player will always have this advantage over the four-legged brute. Regular shipments of Blankets, Tweeds, Wincies, Calicoes, Sheetings, Yarns, &c., &c., are now received by Robertson Bros, direct from the Clyde;, thereby saving intermediate profits, which will enable them to show their friends in the Western District as good value for their money as can be obtained in the largest town in the colony. A shipment of 12 cases ex “ Nelson ” now opened out.—Adti.J