Varieties.

Western Star, Issue 278, 4 January 1879, Page 7

Varieties.

‘He gave me half-a-crown yince, and forbade me to play ir. awn’ at pitch and toss.’ ‘ And you disobeyed him, of course ?’ ‘ Na, I didnn disobey him; I played it awa' at ncevie-.ieevie nicknack.’ This Day-Half - Y car. -Priest—‘ Well, Pat, and what did the landlord do to ye about the farm ?’ Pat,— * Slmre, yer Riverence. lit toul lme I could have immediate possession in six months’ time.’ 1 What fine dark hair you have got, Miss M. My wife, who is much younger than you, has her hair quite gray.’ ‘ Indeed,’ rejoined Miss M.," if I had been your wife, my hair no doubt had been gray, too.’ A Sense of Propriety.- -Botanical old Gent (in the Brighton gardens) : ‘ Can you tell me, ray good man, if this plant belongs to the “ Arbutus family ?” ’ Gardener (curtly) : ‘ No, sir, it don’t. It b’longs to the Corporation!’ At bedtime little Willie was saying the usual prayer at his mother’s knee, and having got as far as ' If I should die before I wake,’ hesitated. * Well what next ?’ asked his mother. ‘ Well, I suppose the next thing would be a funeral.’ More than Two —Frankie (to Annie, who is eating sponge-cake)— ‘ Let me be your baby, and you feed me.’ Annie-—‘Oh, no, Frankie, you cannot be my baby jmy baby must be in long clothes —one wot can’t eat no sponge-cake.’ Sunday at Home.—Wife : ‘ Goodbye, Dick, I’m going to church. Now, promise you won’t play the flute.’ Anti-Sabbatarian Husband : ‘ Pooh ! Why not ?’ Wife : ‘ Well, Dick, the new cook has come, aud she might be shocked you know.’ Lucid Explanation —An Englishman volunteered to do something for a Scotchman, but was told by the latter that he ‘needna fash.’ ‘ What does he mean hy “ needna fash ?’ said the former to a bystander. ‘ Oh, sir,’ was the reply, ‘he just means that ye needna fash ava, sir.’ A friend of ours lately went into a provision store to pur-'hase a corned tongue. The dealer handed him one, remarking that it was very nice, and furthermore, that it never told a lie. ‘lt is very evident then,’ remarked tin-purchaser, ‘ t hat it was never engaged in the provision business.’ A person in masculine habiliments, suspected of belonging to the ot her sex, was discovered recently in a very ingenious and Solomonic way. While others engaged the person in conversation, a gentleman in holding a child, pretended to let it fall, when a soream, instead of an oaih, told the story. Robert Fairgrieve, for many years bedral and gravedigger to the parish of Ancrutn, in Roxburghshire, was a man of some humour. The monster one day met him coming home, sooner than was to be expected, from Jedburgh fair, and inquired the reason for such strange conduct, since most of his fellow parishi mers would probaoly stay till midnight, if not till morning. ‘ Oh, sir, said Robert, ‘ huz that are office-bearers (meaning the minister aim himself) should be ensamples to the flock.’ Irish Bulls.—Mr D., an Irish gentleman wellknown in New York, was lately invited to dinner by a wealthy Scotch resident, at whose generous table he met a number of his host’s country men. The conversation turned on Irish bulls, of which one and another of the company reported several, until the table was in a roar. The Irish guest kept quiet until his patience was exhausted, bin at length blurted out Say -Mr C., an’do you know what I think?’ ‘ Why, indeed what do you think, Mr D-?’ * Shure, sir, an’ do you know that I think, indude, that not more than onehalf of these lies that they all tell about the Irish are true.’ 'This unintended contribution't-> toe subject under discussion brought dovvu t..a house.