Varieties

Western Star, Issue 142, 27 May 1876, Page 7

Varieties

An Uncomfortable Drawing room. —Tbo dentist’s.

The thinking man has wings; the acting 'man has only feet and hands. Many editors are of such a peaceful nature that they will not put a head on their editorials. Mr. Philips’ lecture about “ The lost arts” does not concent the ladies. They have not lost any. A San Francisco ladies’ shoemaker advertises himself as one of the luminaries of “ the sale her system.” A Bachelor explains that the reason a woman puts her finger in her mouth when she thinks is because she cannot, talk and think at the same time.

Froni Hulla Fides. —Lady—“ Such a beautiful creature must bo good-tempered !” Husband. — “ Just what I thought when I married you, my dear.”

At a school the other day, the teacher asked one of the “ advanced girls” why the noun bachelor is singular. “ Because he don’t got married!” was the prompt reply.

Deceit and falsehood, whatever conveniences thev may for a time promise or pro luce, are, in the"the sum of life, obstacles to happiness. Those who profit hy the cheat, distrust the deceiver; and the act by which kindness was sought puts an end to confidence.

According to the News, one of the “ finishers” in a Danbury hat factory arrived late " the other morning. This fact, together with the air of indifference which characterised him, induced the foreman to ask if ho was not going to do any work. « Well, I guess I won’t do anything to-day,” he slowly said, stroking his chin with a comforting caress. Work having been scarce for several weeks, the foreman was prompted to ask, “ Why not ?” “ Well, I’m in little better circumstances than I was yesterday,” said he in a soft, satisfactory voice, while his eye lighted up with a grateful expression. “My dog, Fan, had a litter of thirteen pups last night.” When Louis Phillippo was staying at the Star and Garter, Richmond, he walked one day by himself to Twickenham, for the purpose, as ho said, of seeing some of the old tradesmen who had served him when ho resided there. As he passed along the road a man met him, pulled off his hat, and hoped his Royal .Highness was well. * What’s your name?” inquired the king. “ What were you when I lived here ?’’ “ Please your Royal Highness,” replied the man, “ I kept the Crown,” meaning an ale house close to the entrance of Orleans House. “ Did you indeed F” said Louis. “ Why, my good fellow, you did what I was uneble to do."

The story is told of Menschikoff, tl\e Russian general, that on one occasion, when he waa displaying his regiment to the Emperor Nicholas, the latter remarked some trifling deficiencies in the matter of the dross of the men, and petulantly exclaimed, “ I would rather see your regiment not dressed at all than dressed so.” Menschikoff quickly turned to his troops, “ Attention ! uniforms off!” To the bewilderment of the Czar the men had in a moment stripped to the skin, though it was freezing weather. Saluting his Emperor, Menschikoff said, “ Sire, my men are at your Majesty’s orders.” Nicholas did not get angry.

Autolycus/’ in the Nelson Times, says —" It is nob often a Judge is caught tripping, but the Crown Prosecutor had Mr Justice Gillies very neatly during the hearing of the Millar case. His Honor was explaining the law of false pretences to the jury, and he said gentlemen, the prosecution will not only have to prove that the prisoners did not Surchaso the goods from Crawsbaw, but that ho id not buy them from anybody else.’ The Crown Prosecutor saw his chance, and ho cut in with « And to do that, gentlemen, wo shall have to summon everybody else in the known world to prove our case’. Mr Justice Gillies thought evidently that he had said just a little too, much for he subsided quietly, and the case proceeded.”

A drunken pitman was walking along the line towards Washington,, when the Scotch express Game rushing past, and, slightly grazing him, |f knocked him down into the dyke side. The driver «f the oxprass ran the train on to Leamside and telegraphed thence to Newcastle for an engine, with a doctor, policeman, and porter, to be sent to the spot where the man was supposed to bo lying seriously injured. On reaching the scene of the accident, the party found the pitman, who was wakening out of a sound sleep. The policeman got hold of him, saying to the porter, “ Here ho is poor soul, let’s take him up. Upon hearing this, the pitman opened his eyes, and looking up to the policeman, said, “ Na, na, beggaroh a ’yen tak’s me up. If lia’ve done any to your injuu, aa’s quite willing to pay ford!”